“We should not dream of it,” said Hugo. “And it would not be true. You did all you could to escape it.”
“With little success. This will follow me through my life.”
“It must, my daughter,” said Ninian’s voice. “And in a way it should be a protection to you. May it be.”
“She does not need one,” said Teresa. “It was her feeling for you that caused it. It will hardly cause it again. But it should not be forgotten. Anyhow by you.”
“It is not forgotten by me. It has been my support. My sense of it has enabled me to shoulder some of the blame. And so to lessen hers.”
“I wonder you have not more value for such a feeling. None of your other children has it.”
“Is this the moment for me to value it?” said Ninian, speaking sadly. “Or for you to wish me to? What might it have done for us?”
“All feeling leads to blindness on other scores. She forgot your claims as you forgot hers. You forget them now.”
“Is it the time to remember them?” said Ninian, in the same tone. “We see what her sense of them led to.”
“Or what forgetting them did.”
“Come to me, Lavinia,” said her grandmother. “We are people apart. We may be of help to each other.”
“There is none for me, Grandma. I feel I am hardly alive. I am afraid to hear or feel. I hardly know if I do. Or if I ever shall again. I suppose I shall not dare to.”
“This first onset will pass. And each one will be less. And in the end they will cease.”
“What do you feel yourself? About the sacrifice I made of you? Tell me. I shall hardly hear. I shall feel nothing.”
“The main wrong led to lesser ones. Such a thing goes beyond itself. When we break our bonds, we release the whole of us. And only part should be free, the part we present as the whole.”
“If that is wisdom, it is wasted. I can’t listen to words. I must go away from here. I can’t stay in my home. And I have no money, I have never thought of it or needed it. I can’t be seen as I shall be now. It has been so different. What am I to do?”
“What people do, who have been found out. Wait for the trouble to subside. Suffer it when it arises. Fight it, if it is too much. There is nothing else for you. And the worst is behind. You have little more to dread.”
“Father will never be behind. And there is Miss Starkie before me.”
“Oh, Miss Starkie,” said Selina.
“She has exalted me from the first. She had come almost to look up to me.”
“Well, that will end. And it is better that it should. It must appear that it is not your place. And you do not depend on her.”
“She does on me. This will alter her life in the house.”
“It need not affect yours. Do not give too much of yourself. You will meet with no return.”
“No, I have found it. Father had no thought of making any. I have gained Teresa against his will. She has been better to me than anyone but you. She has not even made light of it, as Uncle and Egbert have.”
“You wanted it taken as it was? It was what they tried to avoid.”
“Whatever I had done, I was in a hopeless plight.”
“And you wanted it greater, pushed to its limit? I know what you mean. It would have meant the end. But it would have been too much.”
“We are supposed to be better for our stumbles. I am not.”
“We are wiser. Not better. We are what we are.”
“It is true of me. What do you think of it, Grandma?”
“I am old. I have seen and heard. I know that things are done. Temptation is too much for us. We are not always unwilling for it to be.”
“All I did was to put a letter in your desk, instead of giving it to Father.”
“Yes, that was all,” said Selina.
“Many people have done worse things.”
“Than harming a father’s life? Well, some are worse.”
“I felt he would not be happy with Teresa.”
“Yes. It was he who felt he would.”
“And I don’t think he is very happy.”
“He is having what he can. It is she who is looking aside.”
“Do you mean I am harming his life in another way?”
“You did not succeed in the first. You can hardly help the second. And he has harmed yours. More than he needed for his ends.”
“You have not a high opinion of people, Grandma.”
“Why should I have? What of the examples before me?”
“You are shocked by what I have done.”
“I am shocked that you should do it. That is not speaking against you.”
“Should we dare to say it, Uncle?” said Egbert, as they overheard.
“I don’t know. And it does not matter. The trouble is that it was Lavinia. And that her trouble was so great. A dreadful question arises. Who will sort the letters now?”
“How true it is that small things can be the worst! One of us had better do it and say nothing.”
“It would be best for Lavinia to go on doing it. As if nothing had happened.”
“Unless Father behaves as if something has.”
“What are you discussing?” said Ninian.
“Oh, nothing, Father.”
“Nothing, of course. In other words our trouble. But what aspect of it?”
“Only a minor one, Father.”
“Of course. The main one is dealt with. And it presents no question.”
“This is not worth mentioning,” said Hugo.
“Then why did you find it so?”
“Pray do not talk like the head of the family, Ninian. Suppose someone should hear you!”
“I do what I must in the place. I should know the temper of the house. What is the minor point you speak of?”
“It was really a question.”
“Yes?” said Ninian.
“Well, answer it, if you can. Who is to sort the letters now?”
There was a pause.
“I will sort them myself.”
“Would it not be better for Egbert or me to do it?”
“For what reason?”
“It would call less attention to the change.”
“There will be no question. I am the head of the house, as we have said.”
“Well, you have,” said Hugo. “Who will tell Lavinia? If you say you will do that yourself, I will forestall you.”
“I am glad for you to do it. It will be at less cost to us all,” said Ninian, as he turned away. “Tell her also that I shall not mention it.”
“So Father is more sensitive than we are,” said Egbert.
“Yes. He felt he had to tell us. And we did not know.”
“And he is afraid of Lavinia. That is a happy thing. I am afraid of her, and so are you. And suppose he was the only one who was not!”
“I am afraid of what she feels. It must be on the scale of herself. Will you tell her about the letters? If her father can shrink from it, so can I.”
Egbert turned to his sister.
“Lavinia, you have asked yourself a question. I am able to answer it.”
“I have asked myself so many. Tell me just the answer.”
“Father is to sort the letters in future.”
“Oh! I had forgotten. Yes, I suppose he is. And I think it falls to him. But what will the servants say?”
“I had not thought of that. We never think of everything. If we did, you would have destroyed that envelope.”
“It is supposed to be good for us to be found out. I have so far felt no benefit.”
“The benefit is moral. And so better for other people than for us.”
“Did Father tell you he would sort the letters?”
“The subject came up. And he said he would do it. And he will not speak of it to you. I hope he is afraid.”
“We can hardly be at ease about the matter. I am glad to be spared. The moment could only be itself. What hours they have been! I have hardly been alive to them. But something has gone deep and will follow me. And there are things to come.”