Smilla was sitting on my lap holding the tablet. She was immersed in some sort of princess game. She was so focused on what she was doing that she didn’t even notice Alex there. Otherwise, she probably would have jumped up to throw herself into his arms. I felt a pang of jealousy. You have to get through this, I told myself, for her sake. You have to do everything for your daughter, that’s your commitment. The only thing of importance.
“Children,” I said out loud. “When there are children in the picture, you have to carry on. Nothing else matters.”
I don’t know what made me suspicious. Was it a sudden movement behind me? Did Alex shift position as he stood there in the doorway? Was he sending out signals of restlessness or disapproval? Maybe it was simply his silence that finally made me turn around. Alex, who was never without a reply.
We looked at each other, and what I saw in his eyes made me carefully let go of Smilla and stand up. When there are children in the picture… An icy cold washed over me. I took a couple of steps closer and leaned forward, entreating him.
“Tell me it isn’t true,” I whispered. “Tell me she isn’t pregnant.”
For some reason, I noticed that Alex was holding his phone. I stared at it. A few minutes ago, before I felt his presence behind me in Smilla’s room, I’d heard the door to the study open. Hadn’t the door been shut for a long time? What had Alex been doing in there? Talking on the phone? Who was he talking to? The answer was obvious, but I refused to acknowledge it. Slowly, I turned my gaze back to the face belonging to the man I had once promised to love, in sickness and in health.
He was smiling at me. One of his eyelids started twitching. An outsider might interpret these tiny, rapid movements as nervousness. But I knew it was something else entirely. Excitement.
“I need to know,” he said softly, “how far you’re willing to go for my sake. For the sake of our family.”
When I married Alex, I was forced to move far away from Mother. When Smilla arrived, I cut my hours to part-time. Gradually, I stopped working altogether. I didn’t see any of my former colleagues; I made no new friends. And I never, ever challenged him anymore. I’d learned not to do that after several experiences during those first years with Alex had cost me dearly. My social life, my work, my independence—that’s what I’d already given up. What did I have left? What remained? Nothing. Even my mother was no longer in my life. And yet Alex asked me that question, hinting there was more I could do. While he… once again… with some woman… And in Marhem, in our cabin.
I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I was heading for the hall and the front door. Alex followed. When I paused to get the car keys off the dresser, he grabbed my arm. He swung me around, pulling my body close to his. His chest pressed against me, his eyes locked on my lips. As if he were going to kiss me.
“Without me, you are nothing.”
Those words… How many times had he flung them in my face? I’d lost count. I felt the same way I always did when he said that. The same, and yet somehow different.
I pulled away and ran out the door. I didn’t ask permission. I didn’t say where I was going or when I planned to come back. Even I didn’t know. My mind had stopped thinking. Time ceased to exist. The car drove itself. Only when I saw the sign for the exit to Marhem did I realize that was where I’d been heading all along.
There was a car parked outside the cabin, the same one as before. Your car. I parked behind it, got out, and stood next to the arborvitae for a while. Over the course of only a few days, everything had been taken from me. Not just Mother, but also my family, my orderly life. Shivering, I stared at the log-cabin walls visible through the hedge, thinking that you were inside. The person who refused to allow me to have my little corner of the world in peace. The person who had broken into my life and without hesitation had shattered it completely. The feeling that something was about to come undone returned. Back in the car again, I called home. Smilla answered.
“Mama, where are you? When are you coming home?”
I could hear in her voice that she missed me. She needed me, longed for me. For her mother. What Smilla had been forced to endure over the past few days, everything I hadn’t been able to protect her from… I needed to compensate for all that.
I don’t know how or why. I only know that I suddenly felt as if I were standing several feet above the ground. As if I’d risen from the ruins and shaken off the dust, stronger than ever before. Much had been lost, but not everything. I was going to fight for what remained, fight for what I had left. For what was mine.
I told Smilla I loved her, that she was the light of my life. I explained that Mama had to take care of something, but when that was done, I’d come home. Then she and Papa and I would live happily ever after. Then I asked to speak to Alex. As soon as I heard his voice on the phone, I told him where I was.
“The answer to your question,” I added, “is that I’m prepared to do whatever it takes, to go as far as necessary.”
I listened to my own voice, heard myself speaking with a composure I didn’t feel. Then I waited. It took a moment before Alex said anything. I heard a crackling and scraping, as if he were silently deliberating as he ran his fingertips over the phone.
“The cabin is insured,” he said at last. “If anything should happen, if it should, for instance… burn down. Then we’d get a lot of money. That might be something to keep in mind.”
My neck felt stiff as I turned my head to look back at the cabin. I was suddenly aware of it again, the chasm that my chest had become when Mother died. It opened once more, and hatred poured out. Finally, I knew where to direct that hatred. Toward whom.
“That project you went to Marhem to finish,” I then said. “Maybe I can help you with it.”
“Is that what you want?”
“If you do.”
“You would do that for me?”
“For us.”
I end the conversation and get out of the car again. I walk up to the cabin and try the door. It’s locked. I look under the steps, but the key isn’t there. There’s no turning back. I can’t lose my courage now. Without Alex and Smilla, I don’t exist. Without them, I’m nothing, have nothing. My eyes are stinging. Maybe with tears. But I pull myself together. Crying is not what I want to do. What I really want is to break your neck.
I never thought I had it in me. Until now. No, I really didn’t. But now… Nothing is the same. Not even me. Especially me. Who knows what I do or don’t have in me? To kill someone. I didn’t think I was capable of that. But maybe I was wrong. Behind the shed is an old oar. I go over and get it. Then I knock on the door.
36
When I come to, I’m lying stretched out on a hard surface. My head aches, but in a different way from before. The pain is much more intense and focused on one side, and my scalp feels tender.
I instinctively want to reach up to touch my head, but I can’t. My hands are bound, lying on my chest. With a sharp yank, I try again. The motion sends a surge of pain into my shoulder, as if it’s being slashed by dozens of sharp knives. It hurts so much I almost faint.