He nodded; there was something rapt, otherworldly, shining in his face. So it had come to him, too, that great joy? But why, then, did he need to go forth to seek it? Surely it was within him as well?
"All these years, my love," she said, "have you told me that you are none so good a Christian as all that. Why then must you run away from me on this quest?"
She saw him struggling for words, and at last he said, "All those years, I knew not whether God was nothing but an old tale told by the priests to frighten us. Now I have seen-" He wet his lips again with his tongue, trying to find words for something beyond them. "I have seen ... something. If a vision such as this can be shown, whether of Christ or of the Devil-"
"Surely," interrupted Gwenhwyfar, "surely it came of God, Lancelet-"
"So you say, for you have seen, you know," he said, holding her hand against his heart. "I am not sure-methinks my mother mocked at me, or all Gods are one as Taliesin used to say-I am torn now between the darkness of never knowing, and the light beyond despair, which tells me - " And again he fumbled for words. "It was as if a great bell called to me, far away, a light like to the faraway lights in the marsh, saying, Follow ... and I know that the truth, the real truth, is there, there, just beyond my grasp, if I can only follow it and find it there and tear away that veil which shrouds it ... it is there if only I can reach it, my Gwenhwyfar. Would you deny me the search, now that I know there is truly something worth the finding?"
It seemed as if they were alone in a room, not in the court before all men. She knew she could prevail on him in all else, but who can come between a man and his soul? God had not seen fit to give him this sureness and joy, and she did not wonder that he must now go seeking for it, for if she had sensed it was there, yet without the surety, she too would have spent the rest of her life in that seeking. She reached both hands to him, and said, feeling as though she embraced him before all men in the clear light of day, "Go then, my beloved, and God reward your search with the truth you seek."
And he said, "God remain with you always, my queen, and may he grant that someday I return to you."
Then he turned to Arthur, but Gwenhwyfar did not hear what they said, only that he embraced Arthur as he had done when they were all young and innocent.
Arthur stood, his hand on Gwenhwyfar's shoulder, watching him go. "I think sometimes," he said softly, "that Lance is the best of us," and she turned to him, her heart overflowing with love for this good man who was her husband, and said, "I think so too, my dearest love."
He said, surprising her, "I love you both, Gwen. Never think, never, that you are less to me than anything on earth. I am almost glad you have never borne me a son," he added, almost in a whisper, "for then you might think I loved you only for that, and now I can say to you, I love you beyond all else save only my duty to this land whereof God has given me the stewardship, and you cannot be jealous of that. ..."
"No," she said softly. And then, for once meaning it absolutely, without reservation, she said, "And I love you too, Arthur, never doubt that."
"I have never for a moment doubted that, my own dear love." And he raised both her hands to his lips and kissed them, and Gwenhwyfar was filled again with that great and overflowing joy. What woman alive has had so much of life, that the two greatest men within the borders of this world have loved me?
All around them, the noises of the court were rising again, demanding notice for the things of everyday life. Everyone, it seemed, had seen something different-an angel; a maiden bearing the Grail; some, like herself, had seemed to see the Holy Mother; and many, many others had seen nothing, nothing but a light too bright to bear, and had been filled with peace and joy, and been fed with such meats and drinks as they liked best.
Now a rumor was going about that, by the favor of Christ, what they had seen was the very Grail from which Christ had drunk at the Last Supper among his disciples, where he broke the bread and shared the wine as if it were body and blood of the ancient sacrifice. Had Bishop Patricius chosen his moment to spread that tale, while they were all confused and no man knew precisely what he had actually seen?
There was a tale Morgaine had told her, Gwenhwyfar remembered, crossing herself: Jesus of Nazareth, they said in Avalon, had come here in youth to be educated among the wise Druids in Glastonbury, and after his death, his foster-father, Joseph of Arimathea, had come here and struck his staff into the ground where it had blossomed into the Holy Thorn. Did it not then seem reasonable that this same Joseph had brought hither the cup of the sacrifice? Surely, whatever passed, it was holy ... surely this was a holy thing, since, if it had not come of God, it could not be anything but a most evil enchantment, and how could such beauty, such joy, be evil?
Yet whatever the bishop said, it had been an evil gift, Gwenhwyfar thought, shaking. One by one, the Companions had arisen and ridden forth on their quest, and now she looked on a hall which was all but empty. They were gone, all the Companions save for Mordred, who had vowed to remain, and Cai, who was too old and lame to ride forth. Arthur turned away from Cai-she knew he must be comforting Cai for not riding on this quest with the others-and he said, "Ah, I too should have ridden forth with them, but I could not. I would not shatter their dream."
She came and herself poured him some wine, and she wished suddenly that they were within their own rooms, not here where they were left alone in the hall of the Round Table. "Arthur, you planned what happened-you told me that something amazing was being planned for Easter-"
"Yes," he said, leaning back wearily in his chair, "but I swear to you that I knew not what was planned by Bishop Patricius or by the Merlin. I knew that Kevin had brought here the Holy Regalia from Avalon." He laid a hand on his sword. "I was given the sword at my crowning, and now it has been given to the service of this kingdom and of Christ. It seemed to me, as the Merlin said, that the holiest of Mysteries of the ancient world should be put to the service of God, since all the Gods are one, as Taliesin always told us. In the old days the Druids called their God by other names, but these things belonged to God and should be given to him. Yet I know not what happened in the hall this day."
"You know not? You? Does it not seem to you that we beheld a true miracle, that God himself came before us to show that the Holy Grail should be reclaimed for his service?"
"At times, I think so," said Arthur, slowly, "and then I wonder ... was it not the magic of the Merlin which enchanted us, so that we should see a vision and think thus? For now are my Companions gone forth from me, and who knows whether they shall ever return?" He raised his face to her; she noticed, as from very far away, that his eyebrows were all white now, and that his fair hair was liberally silvered.
He said, "Knew you not that Morgaine was here?"
"Morgaine?" Gwenhwyfar shook her head. "No, I knew it not ... why came she not to greet us?"
He smiled, "You ask that? She left our court under my great displeasure." His lips tightened and again his hand sought the hilt of Excalibur, as if to reassure himself that still it lay at his side. It hung now in a leather scabbard, a coarse and ugly thing; she had never dared to ask him what had become of the one Morgaine had made for him so many years ago, but now she guessed that was behind their quarrel.
"You knew it not-that she had rebelled against me. She would have put her paramour Accolon on the throne in my place ... "
Gwenhwyfar had thought she would never again feel wrath at any living creature after the day's joyous vision; even now, what she mostly felt was pity for Morgaine, and pity too for Arthur, knowing how he had loved and trusted the sister who had betrayed him. "Why did you not tell me that? I never trusted her."