And that was why Morgaine had given her the key to this man, put him wholly into her hands. Now was the time to speak the words that would consolidate the spell, make him hers, body and soul, so that she might bring him to Avalon and the appointed doom.
Pretend! Pretend to be one of those feckless virgins Gwenhwyfar has about her, with their minds between their legs!
She said, faltering, "I am sorry-I know you are indeed a man-I am sorry I was afraid-" and she raised her eyes to his, a gaze aslant through her long hair, afraid that if he could look deep into her eyes she would blurt out all her duplicity. "I ... I-yes, I wanted you to kiss me, but then you were so fierce, and I was frightened. This is neither the time nor the place, someone might come suddenly upon us, and then the Queen would be angry, and I am one of her maidens, and she has warned us that we must not run about with men ... "
Is he fool enough to believe me when I speak such simpering nonsense?
"My poor darling!" Kevin covered her hands with contrite kisses. "Ah, I am a beast to frighten you, I love you so ... I love you so much that I cannot bear it! Nimue, Nimue, are you so afraid of the Queen's anger? I cannot-" He stopped and breathed again, hard. "I cannot live like this-would you have it that I should be gone from this court? Never, never have I-" he stopped again and then, holding her hands between his, he said, "I cannot live without you. I must have you or die. Will you not have some pity on me, beloved?"
She lowered her eyes, with a long sigh, watching his contorted face, his dazed breathing. At last she whispered, "What can I say to you?"
"Say that you love me!"
"I love you." She knew that she sounded like a woman under a spell. "You know that I do."
"Say that you will give me all your love, say that-ah, Nimue, Nimue, you are so young and beautiful, and I am so twisted and ugly, I cannot believe you care for me, even now I think I am dreaming, that you have for some reason roused me like this that you might make fun of the beast grovelling at your feet like a dog ... ."
"No," she said, and swiftly, as if she were afraid of her own daring, bent quickly down and laid the lightest of kisses against his eyes, two darting swallows that came and went.
"Nimue, will you come to my bed?"
She whispered, "I am frightened ....e might be seen, and I dare not be so wanton-we might be discovered." She arranged her lips into a childish pout. "If we were caught, then the men would think you only all the more manly for it, and none would chide or shame you, but I, I am a maiden and they would point to me as a harlot or worse ... " and she let tears slide down her cheek, but inward she was all triumph. I have him now safe within my net ... .
"I would do anything, anything to protect you, to reassure you ... " Kevin said, his voice trembling with sincerity.
"I know men like to boast of their conquest of maidens," she said. "How do I know you will not brag of it throughout Camelot, that you have the favor of the Queen's kinswoman and have taken her maidenhood?"
"Trust me, I beg you, trust me-what can I do? What proof can I give you of my sincerity? You know that I am yours, body and heart and soul-"
And for a moment she was angry, I do not want your damned soul, she thought, close to weeping with tension and fear. He held her between his hands and whispered, "How? When will you be mine? What can I do to prove that I love you beyond all things?"
She said, hesitating, "I cannot take you to my bed. I sleep in a room with four of the Queen's ladies, and any man who came there would be seized by the guards-"
He said, bending again to cover her hands with kisses, "My poor little love, I would never bring shame on you. I have a place of my own-a little chamber fit for a dog, mostly because none other of the King's men wishes to share quarters with me. I do not know if you would dare to come there."
"Surely there must be some better way ... " she whispered, keeping her voice soft and tender. Damn you, how can I suggest it without dropping this pretense of maidenly innocence and stupidity ... ? "I cannot think of anywhere within the castle where we could be truly safe, and yet-" She stood and pressed herself against him, where he sat, her breasts just nudging his brow.
He flung his arms around her and buried his face in her body, his shoulders shaking. Then he said, "At this season-it is warm and fair and there is little rain. Would you dare to come out of doors with me, Nimue?"
She murmured as artlessly as she could, "I would dare anything to be with you, my love."
"Then-tonight ... ?"
"Oh," she whispered, shrinking, "the moonlight is so bright, we should be seen ... wait a few days, then there will be no moon ... ."
"When the moon is dark-" Kevin flinched, and she knew that here was the moment of danger, the moment when the carefully played fish might slip off the hook and out of the net and be free. In Avalon the priestesses secluded themselves at moon-dark, and all magic was suspended ... but he knew not that she was of Avalon.
Would his fear or his desire win out? She was motionless, just fluttering her fingers within his. He said, "That is an uncanny time-"
"But I am afraid to be seen ... . You do not know how angry the Queen would be with me, if she knew I was such a wanton as to desire you ... " she said, holding herself a little closer to him. "Surely you and I do not need a moon to see one another ... ."
He held her tight, his face buried in her breasts, covering them with hungry kisses. And then he whispered, "My little love, let it be as you will, be the moon light or dark ... "
"And you will take me away from Camelot afterward? I do not want to be shamed ... "
"Anywhere," he said, "I swear it ... I will swear it by your God, if you will."
She murmured, bending her head close to him, her hands moving through the sweet clean curliness of his hair, "The Christian God does not like lovers, and hates it when women lie with men ... swear it by your God, Kevin, swear it by the serpents around your wrists ... ."
He whispered, "I swear," and the meaning of the oath seemed to ripple the air around them both.
Oh, fool, you have sworn to your death ... . Nimue shivered, but Kevin, his face still hidden against her breasts, his hot breath damping her gown, was oblivious to anything except her breasts under his lips. As a promised lover he took the privilege of touching, kissing, drawing her gown aside a little to cup them in his hands. "I do not know how I can bear to wait." And she murmured, "No, nor I," and meant it with all her heart, I would that this was done ... .
The moon would not be visible, but the moon tide would turn exactly two hours after sunset, three days from now; she could feel its ebbing like a great sickness in her blood, withdrawing life from her veins. Most of those three days she spent in her chambers, telling the Queen that she was ill, and it was not far from the truth. Much of her time alone she spent with her hands on Kevin's harp, meditating, filling the ether around her with the magical bond between them.
An ill-omened time, and Kevin knew it, as she did; but he was too blinded by the promise of her love to care.
The day dawned when the moon would darken; Nimue felt it through her body. She had made herself an herbal brew which would keep the moon-dark bleeding from coming on-she did not want to disgust him with the sight of her blood, nor frighten him to recalling the taboos of Avalon. She had to turn her mind away from the physical realities of the act; for all her training, she knew that in truth she was the nervous virgin she pretended to be. Well, so much the better, she need not try to pretend. She could simply be what she was-a girl giving herself for the first time to a man she loved and desired. And what would come after that, well, it was as the Goddess had bidden her.