Anata (you) is the word most commonly used by a woman to address her husband. However, anata is not restricted to a marriage partner: it can be used to address any person of either sex, of any age. And anybody, not only the wife, can call the husband anata. It may seem unfair for the wife not to have a monopoly over anata, while the husband has a special privilege over omae. However, anata used by a dearest wife to call her husband sounds emotionally different from anata used by people in other situations. The special tone of affection put into anata by the wife drives the heart of the husband. Her willingness to be his wife and her love toward him are contained in the word, and her lovely tone can never be copied by others. Like omae, anata expresses the conjugal intimacy between husband and wife.
Another controversial Japanese word is shujin, which originally meant "master." This term is traditionally used by a wife to introduce her husband in conversations. However, some women protest its use, arguing that a husband is not a master of his wife. Others reason that shujin is just an idiom for the head of a family, just as kanai (inside of house), when used by a husband, refers to a wife who stays home. Being fussy about words that have lost their original meaning seems rather pointless.
Several other words can be used in place of shujin—oto-san (father), papa, danna, teishu—none of which, however, sound as dignified. Probably the best way for a woman to refer to her husband is by uchi-no hito (my dear man). And a man usually presents his wife by uchi-no yatsu (my dear wife), though yatsu again carries a sense of intimate rudeness. These expressions are conventional in a Japanese family and do not convey any disrespect.
Voiceless Affection
Everyone has experienced an uncontrollable desire to talk to someone else. That desire arises from the innermost self.
Wives who stay at home alone while their husbands and children are out during the day become victims of such a desire at least once or twice a day and end up in a hen party or long chatting sessions over the phone. This desire to communicate is similar to the desire to escape from solitude.
Japanese husbands feel such a desire in the evening when they are about to go home after a busy day's work. This is because during the day at the office, they take care not to slip any extra words into their official communications. When they are released in the evening, they become extremely thirsty for "free, open-minded communication." Furthermore, the superficial "public front" communication in the office is not enough for them to obtain information on "what's going on behind the scenes"—information they need in order to compete with their colleagues on the organizational ladder. As a result, they hurry, by twos and threes, to taverns and pubs for "businessmen's drinks" on the way home. There, in a totally different atmosphere, they enjoy informal communication. They murmur and gossip, trying to snatch useful information from colleagues while exchanging jokes with the tavern hostesses. ®he husbands, therefore, usually fulfill their desire to communicate by talking freely over drinks before they get home.
A wife often meets the wooden face of her husband at the door when he comes home late at night. He just gives her a glance and says, "Ah-h-h, dear me!" Many times, this is the only communication between them. The husband really disappoints his wife, who might even have arranged some flowers to welcome him home. If this attitude becomes habitual on his part, his wife and children will become frustrated in their desire to communicate with him. However, the samurai husband is not supposed to chat in a merry voice with his wife.
One Japanese wife told me this story: "I had everything I want. The only problem was that my husband kept his words to a minimum every day, saying no more than was absolutely necessary. There was very limited communication between us. I really could not know what was on his mind and I was always unsure of his love toward me. [A Japanese husband usually does not express his love for his wife in words.] One day, I fell ill and was admitted to a hospital for a while. Not only did my husband come to visit me every day but he was extremely kind and took great care of me. This was more than enough to assure me of his love. I am now really happy, though his verbal communication is still limited."
This woman is one of the many Japanese wives who are frustrated by the voiceless communication of their husbands. Everyone needs to communicate his or her true self to someone. This is one reason people get married. Japanese husbands need to take off their samurai masks more often and show themselves to their wives, though by Confucian tradition they are supposed to express their love in deeds, beyond others' awareness. Of course, when husband and wife are together at home, they are able to read each other's minds without many words and need not give constant reassurances of their love. Even so, some verbal communication between husband and wife in this complex society is important if they are to fully exchange minds and hearts.
An open letter from one Japanese wife in a women's magazine reveals her mind:
"I wish to have an intelligent conversation once in a while with my husband; the chance ripens after the children have gone to bed. However, my husband does not respond to my attempt. I perhaps made a mistake in choosing my man." In the tradition of the feudalistic age, many Japanese men are still samurai with their wives.
Unilateral Affection in Deeds
A few years ago, one manufacturer of shoeshine cream carried out a questionnaire survey of 20,000 wives (ranging in age from the teens to the fifties). The question was "What do you do for your husband every morning?" The following replies were returned:
1. Polish his shoes (4,770 cases).
No doubt, the fact that the surveyor was a shoe cream manufacturer influenced some of these replies, so we should discount the given number to some extent.
2. Prepare breakfast for him (3,773 cases).
All over the world, this is quite an ordinary task for housewives in the morning, is it not?
3. Help him dress for the day (2,030 cases).
This is not unusual for an ordinary Japanese wife.
4. Prepare his lunch (1,341 cases).
Japanese husbands do not come home for lunch like Europeans, because of the long commuting distances and short lunch hours. And even though there are company dining halls and many restaurants in town, a few of them still take their lunches, prepared by their wives, to work.
5. Check his belongings and supplement any insufficiency (1,011 cases).
Japanese wives consider it a duty to assist their husbands in the morning in getting ready for work. Most wives see that their husbands are fully equipped for the day's battle.
6. See him off at the front door (855 cases).
This was a formality in the Tokugawa samurai society and is a common practice among Japanese wives today.
7. Wake him up gently (521 cases).
Many husbands are sleepy heads because of their daily hard work and their personal meetings in the evening.
8. Prepare coffee or tea for him (378 cases).
This is not at all unusual. I wonder why there were only 378 cases.
9. Arrange a pair of shoes to match his suit (378 cases).