“Well, should we go inside?”
I swallowed hard, wondering how much worse the inside could be. I forced a smile and opened my car door. Ethan met me at the hood of the car and took my hand. I didn’t say anything, but I had a feeling he was afraid one or both of us would end up going through the front steps. They definitely needed to be replaced. I walked up the edge by the railing, hoping it would have the most support.
Keys weren’t going to be an issue. The door was open. Who would lock a place as decrepit as this? Ethan held the door for me as I slipped inside. I stepped just far enough for him to reach behind me and fumble for a light switch. A single bulb went on in the center of the living room. The fixture had four bulbs, but only one was working. And for that, I was thankful. Seeing this place in better lighting would’ve been even more depressing.
The living room consisted of a worn-out couch and a wooden table with a broken leg. To the left of the living room was a tiny kitchen with a sink, stove, refrigerator, and table for two. Beyond that was a bathroom too dark to see into, but I could imagine the horrors waiting for us in there. Beyond the living room was a door, which I could only assume led to a bedroom.
That sent shivers down my spine. Ethan and I had the best relationship I could imagine. We couldn’t have been closer. But…we hadn’t exactly slept together. We almost did once. When I stopped my treatments, and we knew the end was near. It was one of the things I wanted to do before I died, but I was too weak. Now Ethan and I would be living in this tiny cottage with one bedroom. One bed. I loved him. I didn’t doubt that. But I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on with me. What was wrong with me? I’d already lied to Ethan. I couldn’t be that intimate with him when I couldn’t even tell him the truth about what happened at the gas station. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t stop picturing that man’s wrinkled face.
“Hey.” Ethan rubbed my arm. “I know it’s pretty bad, but I promise I’ll fix it up. The sun is already coming up, so I’ll check the shed and see what I can get started on right away.”
“You haven’t slept. You must be exhausted.”
He smiled. “Are you kidding me? I got you back. I’m so energized I could repaint the whole place and fix that table without taking a break.” He kissed my forehead. “How about you? Are you tired?”
I wasn’t. Ever since the incident at the gas station, I’d felt full of life. I hated that I felt so good, knowing I’d been responsible for that man’s death. I pushed the thought away. I couldn’t deal with it right now. “I’m fine. I’ll see what I can do in here. You know, start cleaning.” I looked around, not a clue where to start.
“Good luck.” Ethan squeezed my elbow gently before heading back outside.
The entire place was covered in about five inches of dust, so I figured I should open some windows and start wiping everything down. The sun poured into the kitchen window, and I blinked against it. My eyes weren’t used to the brightness anymore. I turned away, my eyelids fluttering with a flurry of black spots. My legs wobbled, and I staggered back, bumping my hip against the cabinet under the kitchen sink.
“Ow.” I was reaching for my hip when my vision went black. I couldn’t see a thing. Only darkness. “Ethan!” I called out. Before I could say another word, my vision returned. But it wasn’t the cottage I saw. It was a garden with flowers and a long, red carpet. A couple stood under a beautiful wooden archway with roses woven around it. I turned my head, searching for something familiar, something that would tell me what this place was and why I was seeing it. My eyes scanned the crowd sitting in the white seats. Rows of dresses and suits. Finally I saw a man with gray hair. He was dressed in a nice black suit, but he wore a black cowboy hat on his head.
Oh, God. It was him. The man I’d killed. I knew it was.
He took his wife’s hand and squeezed it. “Can you believe our son is twenty-seven years old and getting married?”
His wife turned and smiled at him. “Yeah, twenty-seven. That makes us pretty old.”
He patted her hand. “No, it makes us lucky.”
Everything went black again. I blinked my eyes, begging my sight to return. Even seeing the dilapidated cottage would’ve been better than this. The darkness reminded me of death. Forms started to take shape as my vision slowly returned.
What was that? How had I seen that man? And on his son’s wedding day? Maybe I hadn’t killed him. Maybe he’d just fainted in the car, and I was too scared to notice. Maybe the universe was trying to let me know I wasn’t a monster after all.
“Hey, babe.” Ethan opened the door, letting the sunlight filter into the room. “Do you want—” I must have looked awful, because the second he saw me, he rushed to my side. “What’s wrong?”
How did I answer that? I didn’t want to lie to him, not after all he’d done for me. I put my hand to my hip. “I hurt myself. It was stupid. My eyes are still a little sensitive to the sun. You know, from—”
“Sure.” He didn’t let me finish my sentence. “Let me see. Did you cut yourself?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t look at it yet.”
He started lifting the hem of my skirt, trying to see how bad my hip was, but I stepped back.
“What?” He looked hurt.
“I—I’m sorry. Everything is making me jumpy.”
“Including me?”
That had been the wrong thing to say. Now I’d insulted him. “No.” I reached for his hand. “You know I love you.”
“But you don’t want me to see you…naked.” He nodded, but I could tell he didn’t really understand.
“I know we almost…once, but things are different now. I’m different.”
He cupped the side of my face in his hand. “No, you’re not. What do I have to do to make you believe that?” He searched my eyes for an answer, but I didn’t have one to give. “You’re the same, and so are we.”
“I just don’t know if I can pick up where we left off. I need a little time to adjust. This is a lot for me to take in all at once.” That was only half of it, but I couldn’t bear to tell him the rest.
“Do you want me to sleep on the couch or something?”
“No.” I took his hand again. “We can sleep in the same bed, but let’s take things slow, okay?”
“Is that all that’s bothering you?”
No, but I didn’t say that. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. “What did you want to ask me when you came in?”
I could tell he didn’t want to drop this, but he wasn’t going to fight with me over it. “I found some paint in the shed. It’s off-white. Do you want me to paint anything?”
“Everything. This place needs a major face-lift.”
“Okay. I’ll get started on the outside first while you finish cleaning up a bit in here.”
“Thanks.” He started to walk away, but I held on to his hand, making him turn back to me. “I promise I’ll be okay, and we’ll get back to where we were. I just need time.”
“You have a lifetime.”
Yes, I did. Thanks to him. But after the incident at the gas station, I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted.
I went back to the cabinet below the kitchen sink. It had come open when I bumped into it. I figured it was as good a place as any to store cleaning supplies, so I started digging through it. I found some old sponges, an almost-empty bottle of dish detergent, a few pans, and a wooden box. I shimmied forward, trying to reach the wooden box. My scraped knees rubbed against the edge of the cabinet, making me wince. I really needed to clean out those cuts and bandage them. This place was dirty enough to infect any open wound.