“It is the way of the world, Duchess. But perhaps the world will change.”
“I’m afraid if it does change, it will be too late for me.” I stood up from the table and stretched. My back and neck were sore from remaining in the same position for so long. “And I’m afraid dissecting lung tissue has not given me a fresh perspective on my problem either. Perhaps I should be returning home.”
“Not without a cup of afternoon tea,” Dr. Badmaev said, ringing the bell for Masha. “Always be aware of how your environment acts upon your body. Not just the air around you, but also the people, sounds, and smells that surround you. Your body is bombarded with outside distractions constantly. Take the time to shut the rest of the world out and meditate. Focus on your cold light.”
I sat in the chair he was pointing me toward and closed my eyes, breathing slowly. He was right; there were so many distractions in my life. I had to focus on what was important. It was not what I wanted most, but what was best for everyone. And what was best for George Alexandrovich would be a doctor trained in Eastern medicine. I would be of better use to him as a healer than as a wife. My cold light did give me clarity. Even if it also broke my heart. I opened my eyes and accepted the cup of tea Masha held out for me. “Merci.”
“You look as if you’ve made a decision?” Dr. Badmaev said. “Your face looks very resolved.”
He was amused. But I did not mind. He was trying to lighten my mood when he knew I was making a difficult choice.
“Yes. I shall continue my lessons with you, Doctor. I will be of no use to the tsar’s son without medical training.”
“So you are making this decision with your head and not with your heart,” Dr. Badmaev said, blowing the steam off his cup of tea.
I sighed. “My heart would break if I did not do everything in my power to save George.”
“And when will you tell him your decision?”
That I hadn’t decided yet. I sipped my tea and closed my eyes, wishing for more clarity. I knew George deserved to know as soon as possible. And the tsar deserved my answer in person.
“I think now is the perfect time, Duchess.” It was not the doctor’s but George’s angry voice that made me open my eyes in alarm.
7
George Alexandrovich was standing in the doorway of Dr. Badmaev’s office. He did not look happy. “Katiya, why did you not wait for me last night? Didn’t my father give you his blessing?”
Dr. Badmaev stood up quickly. “Forgive me, Your Imperial Highness, but I must get back to my patients.” With a quick bow to the grand duke and an encouraging smile toward me, he withdrew from the room, leaving us alone.
I stared into my teacup, refusing to meet George’s eye. “How on earth did you know to find me here?” I asked him.
“The imperial guard has orders to watch your movements, Katiya. They always know where you are.”
A sick feeling rose in my stomach. “So you’ve known about my studies with Dr. Badmaev? And the tsar knows as well?” There truly were no secrets left untouched in St. Petersburg.
He nodded as he sat down in the chair next to me. “I understand what you’re trying to do, but it won’t work. My illness was caused by dueling with the crown prince at Vorontsov Palace. Blood magic wounded me. Medicine cannot help me.”
“But I believe Eastern medicine can,” I protested. “Dr. Badmaev is the one who cured the Koldun after I brought him back from the Graylands. Remember how awful he looked? Eastern medicine treats the spirit as well as the body. Please let the Tibetan doctor examine you.”
“My parents have expressly forbidden it,” he said. “Badmaev is the Dark Court’s physician. Besides, the Light Court has all of St. Petersburg’s finest trained physicians at hand.”
“None of whom can do a thing for you,” I said. “I have learned so much from Dr. Badmaev. Not enough to cure you, I know, but I’m certain that soon I’ll know what to do to make you better. If the tsar will not allow the Tibetan to treat you, then allow me to help you.”
“Marry me, Katiya. That is the best way for you to make me better.” He took the teacup out of my hand and set it on the table. Grasping my hands in his, he looked up at me. “Make me a happy man.”
He would force me to have this conversation right now. “George, if something were to happen to you and I could have prevented it by continuing my studies, I couldn’t live with myself. I love you too much.”
“What are you saying?” There was a flash of silver in his eyes.
“If your father will not change his mind about my becoming a doctor,” I said, dragging the words out and hating myself for what I said next, “then I cannot marry you.”
George’s face darkened. “Katiya, the tsar does not change his mind.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, trying very hard not to cry in front of him.
He stood up so abruptly that I thought he was going to break something. Frustrated, he ran his fingers through his hair. “Why must you be so hardheaded?”
“Why must you?” I asked, praying he wouldn’t notice the trembling in my voice. “I can’t stand by and watch you waste away. Not when there’s something I can do to stop it.” I stood up and grabbed his arms, pulling on his sleeves. “And what if you died? What if I was tempted to bring you back for selfish reasons? I don’t think I could let you go. Or what if I brought you back from the grave accidentally?” I continued as my imagination ran wild with dark thoughts. “Don’t you see how horrible that would be? I would damn us both!”
He touched my cheek. “Katiya, I’d rather be damned with you than live a blessed life without you.”
I held his hand in both of mine and kissed his knuckles. I did not even bother trying to stop the tears anymore. They were falling too fast. “Georgi, please don’t say that. You know you don’t mean it.”
He looked sad. “I asked you not to give up on me last year. And I believed that you had not. Why now? When our happiness is within reach? Or was I just dreaming?” But he did not wait for me to answer. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead, murmuring, “Goodbye, Katiya,” against my skin.
I didn’t respond. I stood shaking, dazed and in shock, and watched him leave, listened to his boots echo down the wooden hallway as he left Dr. Badmaev’s office. I heard the bells on the door tinkle as he opened it and walked out. Did he truly believe I’d given up on him? On us? Why couldn’t he understand that what I was doing was out of love? Had I lost him for good?
Masha returned to pick up the tea things. She hurried across the room as soon as she saw me crying. “Duchess? Are you all right? Duchess?”
I blinked slowly at her, ignoring the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Masha, what have I done?”
8
Masha, the poor old thing, did not know how to comfort me. I went to the washstand and dried my face. There was nothing left for me to do but dig back into my research. I spent the rest of the day finishing my studies of the respiratory system. Badmaev was pleased with my progress. He assigned me readings on the endocrine system.
I rode the tram home, not bothering to get off at the stop before the Field of Mars. Let my parents see me mingling with the commoners. Let them learn why I threw away the chance to become a grand duchess. I did not care anymore. It would not be long before the whole of St. Petersburg’s aristocracy knew what a fool I was.
Maman met me on the stairs. “Katiya, where on earth have you been? Don’t try to tell me you’ve been with Dariya, because I refuse to believe it!”