"No, I understand, even if not everything."
"I sure hope so."
That night I dreamed of Il Duce.
One day we went walking through the hills. I had thought Gragnola was going to tell me about the beauties of nature, as he had done in the past, but on that day he pointed out only dead things, dried cow dung with flies buzzing around it, a vine infected with downy mildew, a row of processionary caterpillars that were going to kill a tree, some potato plants with eyes larger than the tubers, which were now inedible, an animal carcass in a ditch, so putrefied that you could no longer tell whether it was a marten or a hare. And he smoked one Milit after another, excellent for TB, he would say, they disinfect your lungs.
"You see kid, the world is dominated by evil things. Indeed, by Evil with a capital E. And Im not just talking about the evil of man killing his fellow man for a few coins, or the evil of the SS hanging our comrades. Im talking about Evil itself, the thing that rotted my lungs, that makes a crop go bad, or that lets a hailstorm reduce a man who owns a small vineyard and nothing else to misery. Have you ever asked yourself why Evil exists in the world, and especially
death, when people like living so much, and one fine day death comes and carries them off, rich and poor alike, even babies? Have you ever heard anyone talk about the death of the universe? I read and I know: the universe, I mean the whole thing, the stars, the sun, the Milky Way, is like an electric battery that runs and runs, but all the while its running down, and one day it will run out. End of the universe. The Evil of evils is that the universe itself has been condemned to death. Since birth, you might say. So what kind of world is that, where Evil exists? Wouldnt a world without Evil be better?"
"Well, yeah," I philosophized.
"Of course, you could say that the world was born by mistake, the world is a sickness afflicting the universe, which even before we came along wasnt feeling so great, and one fine day the open sore that is our solar system appears, and us with it. But the stars, the Milky Way, and the sun dont know theyre bound to die, so it doesnt bother them. We, on the other hand, who have been born out of this sickness of the universe, we have the bad luck to be bright boys and to understand that were bound to die. So not only are we victims of Evil, but we know it. Cheery stuff."
"But its atheists who say that the world wasnt made by anyone, and you say youre not an atheist"
"Im not because I cant bring myself to believe that all these things we see around us-the way trees and fruits grow, and the solar system, and our brains-came about by chance. Theyre too well made. And therefore there must have been a creating mind. God."
"So then?"
"So then, how do you reconcile God with Evil?"
"Off the top of my head Im not sure, let me think about it"
"Ah yes, let me think about it, he says, as if the greatest minds havent been thinking about it for century upon century"
"And what did they end up with?"
"Diddly-squat. Evil, they said, was brought into the world by the rebel angels. Oh really? God sees and foresees all, and he didnt know the rebel angels were going to rebel? Why did he create them if he knew they were going to rebel? Thats like somebody making car tires that he knows will blow out after two kilometers. Hed be a prick. But no, he went ahead and created them, and afterward he was happy as a clam, look how clever I am, I can even make angels Then he waited for them to rebel (no doubt drooling in anticipation of their first false step) and then hurled them down into hell. If thats the case, hes a monster. Other philosophers had a different idea: Evil doesnt exist outside of God, its inside him, like a sickness, he spends eternity trying to free himself of it. Poor guy, maybe thats how it is. But since I know Im tubercular, I would never bring children into the world, so as not to create other wretches, because TB is passed from father to son. And yet God, knowing hes got the sickness hes got, is going to make you a world that at best will be dominated by Evil? Thats sheer wickedness. And further, one of us might have a child without meaning to, might get a little reckless one night and not use a rubber, but God made the world because thats exactly what he wanted to do."
"What if it just slipped out of him, like sometimes pee does?"
"You think youre being funny, but thats exactly what other sharp minds have thought. The world slipped out of God like piss slips out of us. The world is the result of his incontinence, like a man with an enlarged prostate."
"Whats a prostate?"
"It doesnt matter, pretend I gave a different example. What matters is that the world slipped out of Him, that God just wasnt able to hold it in, and that all this is the result of the Evil he carries inside him-thats the only way to excuse God. Were in shit up to our eyes, but hes no better off himself. Then, however, all the pretty things they tell you at the Oratorio start falling like overripe fruit, things about God as the Good, as the perfect being who created the heavens and the earth. He created the heavens and the earth precisely because he was profoundly imperfect. Thats why he made the stars like batteries that cant be recharged."
"But hang on, maybe God did create a world where those of us in it are destined to die, but say he did it as a test, to make us earn paradise, and therefore eternal happiness."
"Or burn in hell."
"The ones who yield to the devils temptations."
"You talk like theologians, who are all in bad faith. Like you, they say that Evil exists, but that God has given us the greatest gift in the world, which is our free will. We are free to do what God tells us to do or what the devil tempts us to do, and if we end up in hell its just because we havent been created as slaves but as free men, and it just so happens weve used our freedom badly, which is our own doing."
"Exactly."
"Exactly? But who told you that freedom is a gift? In other words, be careful not to confuse things. Our comrades in the mountains are fighting for freedom, but its freedom from other men who wanted to turn them into so many little machines. Freedom is a beautiful thing between one man and another; you dont have the right to make me do and think what you want me to. And besides, our comrades were free to decide whether to go up into the mountains or to hide out somewhere. But the freedom that God granted me, what kind of freedom is that? The freedom to go to paradise or to hell, with no middle ground. Youre born and youre forced to play a hand of briscola, and if you lose you suffer for all eternity. And what if I didnt want to play this game? Fat Head, who among all his evil deeds actually did a few good things too, banned gambling houses, because those are places where people are tempted and end up ruining their lives. And dont tell me people are free to go there or not. Better not to lead them into temptation. But here God has created us free and incredibly weak, exposed to temptation. You call that a gift? Its as if I were to throw you down that escarpment and tell you, Dont worry, youre free to grab onto some shrub and haul yourself back up, or you can let yourself roll down until youve been reduced to the kind of minced meat they eat in Alba.