Elena Samsonova
The new technology of managing your life
Change your life for the better
Introduction
Have you ever been in situations which (in several minutes, the next morning, in some time, etc.) make you feel embarrassed (agreeably surprised)? I think you have. I suppose, in these moments of understanding you were saying to yourself something like this:
Variant 1.
– How could I behave like that? How could I break down? Why did I shout at him (her, the parent, the child, the friend, the neighbor, the sales assistant, that person, etc.)? What has come upon me? Am I too emotional or is something wrong with me?
Variant 2.
– What happened? Why didn\'t I tell him/her that…? Why did I keep silent? Why did I bleat out? I should have said that! But I didn\'t… And now this ship has sailed!
Variant 3.
– I\'ve been in great form today! Well done! I wish I could be in this state more often! Then I would be able to move mountains!
I could also suppose that such inner monologues take place only after everything has happened. But at that very moment it seems to you… No! You are absolutely sure that here and now you behave in the right way. There is no other way to act! And you have the right to behave like that! Or… that you can\'t, you are unable to behave in a different way.
What happens to you? Why do you behave and feel differently in different situations and/or with different people? Why are you so inconsistent and nonpersistent? Why can\'t you hold yourself together? Maybe you don\'t know what you want from people, life and yourself? Maybe you can\'t control yourself?
Maybe it is time to visit a psychologist? Or read good books, attend a training, speak to clever and wise people? Is it the right time for making your inner space more harmonious and balanced, find your integral self and stop suffering contradicting thoughts and evaluations?.. Probably it is. However…
Everything that happens to you can get a new angle on. You can look at it from the point of view of the theory of roles . You have to do it in order to understand that you are absolutely normal and sane and quite able to control all that chaos.
Here and further by the term «the theory of roles» I mean all the theoretic information which you can learn from this book. My theory of roles becomes intertwined with the classical theory of roles by G. Mead, the theory of subpersonality by Roberto Assagioli, the theory of transactional analysis by Eric Berne and the self-concept by Steve Andreas only in some terms and definitions. Everything else is the author\'s compilation of ideas, theories and views based on many years\' consulting experience and «seasoned» with common sense. The compilation is quite functional and in many respects surprising, that\'s why I decided to call it the Theory of Roles by Elena Samsonova . Why not? Let it be!
Part I. The theory of roles
Chapter 1. Who are you?
So, my dear reader, let us begin. And we\'ll begin by asking the question: «Who are you?»
Just now, in the very first line, I called you a Reader . From my point of view you are playing the role of a reader right now. You can do the following:
– assume this role for the time you are reading this book;
– refuse to assume this role and close the book after finishing this line;
– call yourself a different name (for example, a Specialist or a Colleague ) and go on reading.
What do you need to stay in the role of a Reader further on? I suppose, it is the following:
– the theme of the book is of interest to you;
– the material in the book is put so as to be understood by you ;
– you have time and ability to continue reading.
And what if any of these conditions is not met? Then, most probably, you will not support the role of a Reader anymore and assume any other role . You will do something which is more interesting or important to you at this very moment. You may become:
– a Shopper , taking this book from the shelf and coming up to the cashier desk (if you are in a book store);
– a Passenger or a Driver , if you are leaving the store and getting on a vehicle;
– a Parent , if at this very moment your child is plucking you by your sleeve into a toy department;
– a Friend , if you hear your phone ringing, you pick it up and hear your friend\'s voice and so on…
In this case your transition into another role will be immediate and unconscious . You don\'t think like: «Ah, Mike is calling! Now I will stop being a Reader and become a Friend », do you? You change your role automatically where the context requires . The more familiar the situation is, the quicker you will «switch off» (get out of one role and into another).
Certainly, this transition can be conscious. If you are an actor, a negotiator or a creative communicator you choose roles intuitively and consciously every moment of your life. Later I\'m going to tell you how to control your roles.
And now I would like to give you a vivid example of how people change roles in everyday life.
Scene one
It\'s Friday afternoon. You are sitting at a table in a small restaurant with your business partner. You are going to have lunch and discuss all current controversial issues in informal circumstances.
Who are you now?
Now you are either a Businessman/Businesswoman or an Entrepreneur , or a Representative of a company . Now you are an Official person .
What are you doing?
You are keeping your backbone straight. You are smiling pleasantly and saying something like: «Mr. Johnson, last time your company transferred a payment to our company with a 20 days\' delay. You should understand that for us it is an unattainable luxury to grant you credit for almost a month. Can we arrange it so that you transfer the payments exactly in time?»
Scene two
You have barely finished this phrase – your telephone is ringing. No, it\'s not your phone – it\'s your child crying out loudly: «Daddy (Mommy)! Pick up the phone!» The context changes.
What are you now and what are you doing?
You have two variants.
The first one. You are still an Official person and, turning your phone off, you go on: «I would like to hear your opinion on the subject!»
The second one. You abruptly change your role and become a Parent (or a Loving parent , a Crazy parent , etc.) and smiling politely («Ah, sorry, my child is calling…») you begin your cooing: «Yes, my sweetie! How was school today? Have you had your lunch?»Scene three
The conversation with your child is over. What\'s next?
What have you become and what are you doing?
You turn to your partner and again start speaking in an «official» voice: «Excuse me, Mr. Johnson, where did we stop? Oh yes!.. We were discussing payments…» And again you have become an Official person .Scene four