Part of me felt bad for him, but I also thought he’ d brought this on himself by being so stubborn. I was probably overstepping my bounds, but I said, ‘ Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’
‘ It doesn’ t have anything to do with my sperm count, does it?’
‘ No, but I’ m curious: Why are you so opposed to adoption? I mean, just because a baby doesn’ t have your genes doesn’ t mean you couldn’ t love it.’
Bob looked sucker punched. ‘ You don’ t think I know that? June, I’ m not the one who’ s against adoption. Charlotte is. I’ d give my left nut for a kid. Any kid.’
‘ Charlotte?’
‘ She’ s got it in her head that having a baby of our own is the only way to go,’ Bob explained. ‘ And I understand where she’ s coming from. She didn’ t even know her own dad-she wants to guarantee that I feel bonded. But I don’ t give a crap at this point. Between her medical problems and mine, we’ ve had a dozen doctors tell us our chances to conceive are slim to none. Most use the term miracle when they’ re talking odds. I’ m sick of the hormones and the thermometers. Hell, I’ m getting sick of having sex.’
‘ I find that hard to believe.’
He smiled. ‘ Okay, maybe I’ m sick of sex on a schedule. Anyway, as soon as Charlotte heard you were going to become a mother, she freaked. She’ s on my ass about another round of in vitro, more tests& and I’ m done. She doesn’ t want to hear it, but she needs to. I’ m fucking done.’
‘ Well, for the record, I hope you work it out,’ I said. ‘ You’ d be an awesome dad.’
‘ Thanks.’ He swigged down the last of his beer. ‘ And I enjoyed your letter, by the way. I always knew you worshipped your big bro.’
As I helped him make up the bed in the spare room, I saw his gaze fall on the baby gifts from the shower, which I had stacked in there. ‘ Sorry about all this junk,’ I said, wishing I’ d had him sleep on the couch, where at least he wouldn’ t be surrounded by what he deserved but for some freak reason I was getting instead.
Chapter 23
I shook my brother awake at three a.m.
‘ What the& ?’ he grumbled. I clicked on the overhead light, and he shielded his eyes in protest.
‘ You should adopt the baby,’ I said excitedly. Everything in me felt buzzy. I hadn’ t slept at all.
‘ No shit. Haven’ t we already had this discussion? Yes, I hope to adopt a baby. Now turn the light off and let me go back to sleep.’
‘ You don’ t understand. Not any baby. My baby& that is, I mean Deedee’ s baby. I think she’ ll go for it. You’ re my family, so that’ s practically the same as me. You’ d be a great dad. And I realize that Charlotte doesn’ t want to adopt, but if we explain to her that this isn’ t some distant dream-that it’ s a real baby due in a month-maybe she’ d change her mind.’
Bob sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes awake. ‘ Slow down. You’ ve lost me here. Why would you want us to adopt your baby?’
I sat on the edge of the bed. ‘ Because somebody needs to, and I can’ t do it.’ The words fell like bricks around me.
‘ You can’ t do it?’
I shook my head. ‘ Or I shouldn’ t, anyway.’
‘ Why?’
‘ I’ ve been trying to come up with the answer to that question myself. I guess that I wanted to change somebody’ s life so badly that I convinced myself that my biological clock was ticking. I don’ t know& now I’ m wondering if it was just gas.’ I gave a halfhearted smile. ‘ Instead of getting excited as the due date gets closer, I’ m more and more certain it’ s the biggest mistake of my life.’
‘ You’ re scared. I’ ll bet everybody feels that way.’
‘ If you were about to get a baby, is that how you’ d feel? Scared?’
‘ Sure. A little.’
‘ But mostly you’ d be thrilled, right?’
‘ Yeah.’
‘ I’ m not. Not at all. I’ m either pretending it’ s not going to happen, or I’ m giving myself a pep talk. Trying to convince myself it’ s going to be all right. That I’ ll be fine once the baby shows up. But then tonight when I heard you talk about everything you’ ve been through to have a baby, I couldn’ t pretend anymore. I’ m not ready to be a mom. At least not on my own. Not this way.’
Ever since I’ d said good night to Bob a few hours before, my mind had been reeling. The growing feeling of unease that had started when I forgot Deedee’ s due date couldn’ t be ignored anymore. This wasn’ t a task that I was crossing off a list. It was a baby-a soon-to-be living, breathing baby. I’ d been preparing to grit my teeth and go through with the adoption. Suddenly I realized how wrong it would be. Sure, I’ d be a better parent than a fourteen-year-old girl, but not much better. Yet I couldn’ t leave Deedee in the lurch with only a month to go. She’ d made plans with her life. Walking into her house on Saturday and saying, ‘ I’ ve changed my mind,’ was unthinkable. But telling her I’ d found a better situation-a couple who I knew for certain would give her baby girl everything she deserved to have-that I could do.
‘ You’ re serious about this,’ Bob said.
‘ As a heart attack.’
A smile crept across his face. ‘ You know, Charlotte might go for this. The thought that there’ s a baby who needs her-one who’ d otherwise be stuck with a mom who’ s only doing it because she said she would, not because she has any real interest.’
‘ I’ m not that bad,’ I said defensively.
‘ Whatever. What I’ m saying is, I couldn’ t come up with any other way to convince Charlotte to adopt, but this might work. She was good and pissed that you were getting a baby. She kept talking about how she would be so much better a mother to that baby than you could ever be. How it deserved two parents, not one who can barely manage to keep a plant alive, much less a child. This would be her chance to prove it.’
I was half about to rescind my offer, insulted as I was, when I realized my brother was already dialing his cell phone.
‘ Sugarplum, it’ s me& . I’ m fine& . Yes, I know I suck for taking off and it’ s the middle of the night, but listen& ‘ And he went on to propose the idea. He’ d been right-it didn’ t take a great deal of arm-twisting to get Charlotte to agree with this new plan. In fact, when he said the baby was due in a month, I could hear her squeal through the phone.
Over the next half hour on the phone, we made arrangements for Bob to go back to San Diego and pick up Charlotte, who was already saying she’ d be willing to relocate to Los Angeles if that’ s what it took. They’ d come up Saturday morning and go to Deedee’ s with me. She’ d have a chance to meet them, and if all went well, we could arrange to switch over the adoption papers right there. I could practically hear Charlotte decorating the nursery as we spoke, and I’ d be willing to bet anything she had names picked out.
Before he hung up, Bob said quietly, ‘ Char, it’ s so incredible. After all the waiting, this could be it.’
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, Martucci came into my office with a box of Matchbox cars left over from a promotion we’ d run last year. ‘ What did you want these for?’
‘ Just in the nick of time! They’ re for my meeting with Bigwood at three o’ clock.’ As I grabbed the box, I looked at him and said, ‘ Hey, there’ s something different about you. What is it?’
‘ That’ s perfect the way you said that. Bigwood will eat it up. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you know.’
‘ I mean it! You look different.’
He shrugged me off. ‘ So tell me why you wanted these cars.’
I showed him the four-by-six-foot 3-D freeway map I’ d spent most of the morning making. I was especially pleased with the way my clay foothills had turned out.