The sun shone radiantly through the stained-glass windows of the Basilica, the holy music of Christmas hymns lifted to the great arched roof, and sculptured angels gazed down upon us in virtuous approval. We ate out for both lunch and dinner, since neither of us knew how to go about cooking a Christmas meal. I didn’t want Casey to be sat on her own in her apartment all day thinking about her family, so I tried to fill the day with things to keep us busy. I’m sure she appreciated the effort but I know she couldn’t help thinking of her parents and her brother, and the Christmas she had been having with them just this time last year. But for me, having someone to share Christmas with was wonderful. I had not been condemned to spend the hallowed day sat in my apartment staring at the walls thinking about Nicky and Luke after all.
‘Do you miss Luke?’ Casey had asked me at one point.
I looked at her in surprise. ‘I don’t remember him.’
‘But do you miss him anyway?’ she persisted.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Does that sound crazy to you?’
‘No,’ she replied with a smile. ‘I love my baby and I’ve never even met him. I don’t even know where he’s come from! That’s crazy, isn’t it? How can you love someone so much when you don’t even know them at all?’
When we returned to our apartment building late after dinner, Casey invited me in for a glass of hot mulled wine. Of course, I gladly accepted since I hadn’t given her her present yet, not really wanting to do it in front of everyone in the crowded public restaurants.
We walked in to Casey’s drab little apartment, and I thought as she heated the wine that I really should look into moving both of us to better accommodation in a nicer part of the city. She had decorated her apartment for Christmas even though she was alone. She told me that she had bought the few cheap decorations and strings of ribbon at one of the open-air Christmas markets with her last pay cheque. I loved her for the small, rather pathetic Christmas tree that stood on the kitchen worktop, decorated with grubby bits of ribbon, and for the cheap wreath she had hung on the door.
‘I hope today hasn’t been too hard for you,’ I said, as I watched Casey arranging mince pies on a plate.
She shrugged. ‘I really miss my family,’ she admitted. ‘All of them. Even though I know that the way I remember them is a lie. My parents… hurt me so much that I know they couldn’t have been the people I thought they were, because those people would never have dreamed of hurting me the way they did. So when I miss my parents, I know I don’t really miss them, I just miss the people I thought they were. Does that make sense?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I’m afraid it does.’
‘Thank you for being there,’ Casey said, turning to look back at me. ‘You don’t know what a difference it’s made.’
‘I’ll always be here when you need me,’ I promised, and I had never meant anything more in my life. I would follow her to hell and back if I had to.
Casey smiled at me, handed over a mug of mulled wine and put the plate of mince pies on the table. Then she sat down herself and placed a small wrapped package before me.
‘What’s this?’ I asked stupidly.
‘A Christmas present, Gabriel,’ she said, laughing. ‘What do you think it is? I didn’t use the money you gave me,’ she added quickly. ‘It really is from me. I sold a few things to get it.’
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ I said, upset by the idea.
‘They were only things I didn’t need any more anyway,’ she said, brushing it aside. ‘Open it, then. I hope it’s okay. You’re not very easy to buy for.’
In all honesty, if I had unwrapped it to find a slice of stale bread I think I would have treasured it like a holy relic until the end of my days. We had been strangers before. Look where I had brought us. Casey wanted me in her life now. She trusted me. I wanted to freeze this moment, for it seemed impossible that I could ever be happier than I was right then.
When I folded aside the Christmas wrapping and the white tissue paper beneath, a shining black object on a silver chain fell out onto my hand. It was a carved black onyx crucifix glinting with tiny flecks of gold. I adored it at once. Surely Nicky herself could never have bought me a gift so perfect.
‘I got it from the Christmas market in Vorosmarty Square,’ Casey said. ‘People used to believe the crucifix would protect them from evil. You’re going to think I’m being stupid but… would you mind wearing it? Under your shirt or something? I know it’s silly but I’d just feel better if I knew you were wearing it.’
I looked at her, a stupid grin on my face. ‘You worry about me.’
Why did that please me so much?
‘Of course I worry about you, Gabriel. We’re both in this up to our necks, aren’t we? Don’t you feel frightened sometimes?’
Not for myself. It was clear that my own life had ended when my family had died. But here, now, this had become something more than friendship, hadn’t it?
‘We’re all the family each other’s got,’ Casey said softly. ‘I’m frightened that something might happen to you. You will look after yourself, won’t you, Gabriel? Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t get involved in any fights or anything like that. Just… stay here with me. I can’t shake the feeling that something might happen to take you away, and I can’t do this on my own.’
‘Casey,’ I said gently, unable to prevent a smile, ‘I’ve already promised to be there for you whenever you need me.’
‘But what if you recover your memories one day and go back to your old life?’
‘You know I don’t have one.’
‘So no matter what you remember, you won’t leave me?’
‘No, I promise.’
‘Don’t make the promise lightly, Gabriel. People can get hurt that way.’
‘I promise,’ I said again, and with all my soul I meant it.
I already knew from Stephomi that I had nothing of any value to return to anyway — everyone I cared about was dead. But regardless of what Stephomi had said, I knew that there was nothing I could possibly remember — nothing anyone could possibly tell me — that would take me away from Casey. There is a limit to how much you can love another person, and I know I couldn’t care for anyone more than I care for her. But if, for argument’s sake, I did have to go somewhere or do something, then I would take Casey with me; and if I couldn’t take her then I wouldn’t go, simple as that. I told her as much, willing her to understand how deeply I meant what I’d said.
‘And you don’t need to worry about me,’ I said. ‘You know that I can take care of myself. But this crucifix is beautiful, Casey, thank you. And of course I will wear it. In fact, I’ll put it on right now. Are you reassured?’
She nodded and gave me a grateful smile. When I took the present I had brought from my bag, and handed it to her, she told me with smiling exasperation that the shopping we had done at the Luxus Department Stores was supposed to have been her Christmas present.
‘No, that was for the baby,’ I said. ‘I don’t think those little woolly hats would fit you, somehow.’
I could see from Casey’s face how delighted she was when she unwrapped my gift. ‘She’s perfect, Gabriel,’ she said, smiling at me.
During one of my afternoons in the city, I had come across a tiny little shop, owned by an elderly Hungarian man, that was stuffed full of wooden carvings, most of them religious in nature. The old man told me he made them all himself with the help of his brother and nephew. Some of the carvings were painted, some were left as they were — the naturally pale golden hue of the wood the craftsmen used. Everything in there was extremely expensive due to the time and skill involved in making even the smallest piece.
The figure I had chosen for Casey was a small, unpainted statuette of the Virgin Mary, head humbly bowed, a long shawl clasped about her shoulders and falling gracefully around her slender figure to her feet. It really was a beautiful piece and seemed particularly appropriate for Casey because of her fatherless baby — and she had told me herself that she found pictures and images of the Virgin Mother comforting.