His words dismayed me like news unknown before. I clung to him, saying, “Do you love me? You don’t only want to teach me? Will you be sorry when I am gone?”
“Have you learned to break hearts already?” he said. “I never taught you that.”
“But do you love me?” I had asked it of no one since my mother died.
“Never say that to him. It would be considered far too oncoming.”
I looked into his face; relenting, he hugged me like a child, which did not seem strange to me. “Truly I love you, and when you go I shall be desolate.” He spoke like one who reassures a child against ghosts and darkness. “But then comes tomorrow. I would be cruel to make you pledges; I may never see you again. If I do, maybe I cannot speak to you, and then you would think me false. I promised not to lie to you. When we serve the great, they are our destiny. Count upon nothing, but make your own nest against the storm … Do you see this?”
His brow had a scar, growing old and pale. I had thought it gave him distinction. Among my father’s friends, anyone without a scar or two seemed scarcely like a man. “How did you get it?” I asked.
“I was thrown at the hunt, doing something that needed doing. It was that same horse you rode; it’s still mine, you see; I have not been treated shabbily. But he can’t bear flawed things. So try not to get yourself knocked about.”
“I would love you,” I said, “if you were covered with scars all over. Did he send you away?”
“Oh, no, I am very well provided for. Nothing is done unhandsomely. But I belong no more with the perfect vase and the polished gem. Don’t build upon the wind, Gazelle-Eyes. That is the last of my lessons. May you not be too young to bear it, for you are not too young to need it. We had better get up. I shall see you again tomorrow.”
“Do you mean,” I said, “that tomorrow will be the last?”
“Perhaps. There is one more lesson after all. I have never told you the proper motions of the prostration.”
“Prostration?” I said puzzled. “But they do that for the King.”
“Just so,” he said. “Well, that took you long enough.”
I stared at him in a kind of stupor. Then I cried aloud, “I can’t do it! I can’t, I can’t.”
“Whatever is this, after all my trouble? Don’t stare with those great eyes as if I’d brought you a death warrant, instead of your fortune.”
“You never told me!” I grasped him in terror till my nails dug in. He loosened them gently.
“I dropped you hints enough; it was clear you’d do. But you see, till you are accepted in the Household, you are on probation. It is assumed you might fail, and be turned away. Then, if you had known whose service you were training for, it was thought you might know too much.”
I threw myself on my face, convulsed with weeping. “Come,” he said, and wiped my eyes on the sheet. “You have nothing, truly, to fear. He’s had some hard times, and is in need of consolation. I am telling you, you will do very well indeed; and I ought to know.”
3
I WAS SOME DAYS in the Palace, before being presented. I thought I should never learn my way about this high maze of splendors; everywhere tall columns of marble or porphyry or malachite, with gilded capitals and twisted shafts; on every wall reliefs, colored and glazed brighter than life, of marching warriors, or tribute-bearers from the further empire, leading bulls or dromedaries, bearing bales or jars. When one lost one’s direction, one seemed alone in a solemn crowd, with nobody to ask.
In the eunuchs’ courtyard I was received without much warmth, as being destined for privilege; but for the same reason, none treated me ill, lest I should take my grudges with me.
It was on the fourth day, that I saw Darius.
He had been taking wine and hearing music. The room gave onto a small fountain court, sweet with the scent of lilies; in the flowering trees hung gold cages of bright birds. By the fountain the musicians were putting up their instruments; but the water and the birds made a soft murmuring concert. The court had high walls, and was part of the room’s seclusion.
He was on his cushions, looking into the courtyard; by him on the low table were the wine-jug and empty cup. I knew him at once for the man at my father’s birthday feast. But he had been dressed then for a long ride up rough roads. Now he was robed in purple worked with white, and wore the Mitra; the light kind he used when at ease. His beard was combed like silk, and he smelled of Arabian spices.
I walked with downcast eyes behind the chamberlain. One must not look up at the King; so I could not tell if he remembered me, or whether I found favor. When my name was pronounced, I prostrated myself as I had been taught, and kissed the floor before him. His slipper was of soft dyed kid, crimson, embroidered with sequins and gold wire.
The eunuch took the wine-tray and placed it in my hands. As I backed out of the Presence, I thought I heard a faint stir among the cushions.
That night I was admitted to the Bedchamber, to assist at the disrobing. Nothing happened, except that I was given things to hold till the appointed person took them away. I tried to show grace and be a credit to my teacher. It seemed he had given me advanced instruction; in reality, some allowance was made for a beginner. For the next night, while we waited for the King to enter, an old eunuch, whose every wrinkle spoke of vast experience, whispered in my ear, “If His Majesty should beckon you, do not leave with the others, but wait and see if he has any more commands for you.”
I remembered my training; watched under my eyelids for the beckoning; did not stand about, but occupied myself in a seemly way; and recognized, when we were alone, the signal to undress. I laid my clothes out of sight; I only failed in walking up with a smile. I was so scared, I knew it would look like a sheepish grin; so I approached grave and trustful, hoping for the best, as the bed was folded back for me.
At first he kissed and dandled me like a doll. Later I divined what was required of me, for I had been well prepared; and it seemed I was acceptable. Certainly, as Oromedon had said, I was never betrayed into pain by pleasure. In all the time I was with him, he gave no sign of knowing a eunuch can feel anything. One does not tell such things to the King of Kings, if he does not ask.
I was to be enjoyed, like the flame and crimson birds, the fountain and the lutes; and this I soon learned to manage, without jarring his dignity. I was never insulted, never humiliated, never handled roughly. I was dismissed with a civil word, if he was still awake; and often next morning a gift would come. But I too had learned to understand pleasure. He was getting on for fifty, and in spite of the baths and the sprinkled perfume, already he began to smell rather old. For some time, in the royal bed, my one wish was to change this great tall bearded man for the supple body of Oromedon. But it is not for the perfect vase or the polished gem to choose their owners.
If I grew discontented, I had only to remember my former lot. The King was a man jaded with too much pleasure, but unwilling to put it by. I achieved for him what he needed; he was content and gracious. When I thought of those others, the greedy rough hands and stinking breath and nasty wishes, I was shocked that I had felt a moment’s repining, and I showed my master the gratitude I felt.
Soon I waited on most of his leisure. He gave me a beautiful little horse, to ride in the royal park with him. No wonder Paradise was named after such a place. For generations, the kings had had rare trees and flowering shrubs brought from all over Asia; full-grown trees sometimes, with their roots and soil, needing a train of oxcarts, and an army of gardeners to tend them on the way. The game, too, was choice; at the hunt, they would drive it towards the King to shoot at, and when he killed we would all applaud.