Je suis seul
ce soir
avec ma peine. .
Coco Lacour and Esmeralda did not exist. I had jilted Lili Marlene. Denounced the brave boys of the CKS. You lose a lot of people along the way. All those faces need to be remembered, all those meetings honoured, all the promises kept. Impossible. I quickly drove on. Fleeing the scene of a crime. In a game like this you can lose yourself. Not that I’ve never known who I was. I hereby authorise my biographer to refer to me simply as ‘a man’, and wish him luck. I’ve been unable to lengthen my stride, my breath, or my sentences. He won’t understand the first thing about this story. Neither do I. We’re even.
L’Hay-les-Roses. We’ve gone through other suburbs. Now and then the Khedive’s 11 CV would overtake me. Ex-Commandant Costantini and Philibert drove alongside me for about a kilometre. I thought my time had come. Not yet. They let me gain ground again. My head bangs against the steering wheel. The road is lined with poplar trees. A single slip would be enough. I drive on, half asleep.
RING ROADS
for Rudy
for Dominique
‘If only I had a past at some other point in French history! But no, nothing.’
The heaviest of the three is my father, though he was so thin back then. Murraille is leaning towards him as if whispering something. Marcheret stands in the background with a half-smile, puffing out his chest a little, his hands gripping the lapels of his jacket. It’s difficult to tell the colour of their clothes or their hair. It looks as though Marcheret is wearing a very loosely cut Prince-of-Wales check suit, and has fairish hair. Note the sharp expression on Murraille’s face, and the worried one on my father’s. Murraille seems tall and thin, but the lower half of his face is pudgy. Everything about my father expresses total dejection. Except his eyes, almost starting out of his head.
Wood panelling, a brick fireplace: the Clos-Foucré bar. Murraille has a glass in his hand. As has my father. Notice the cigarette drooping from Murraille’s lips. My father has his wedged between his ring and little fingers. A jaded affectation. At the back of the room, in semi-profile, a female figure: Maud Gallas, the manageress of Le Clos-Foucré. The armchairs in which Murraille and my father are sitting are probably leather. There’s a slight sheen on the back, just above the spot which Murraille’s left hand is stubbing into. His arm curls around my father’s neck in a gesture which could be hugely protective. Flagrant on his wrist is an expensive watch with a square face. Marcheret, given his position and athletic build, is half hiding Maud Gallas and the shelves of aperitif bottles. On the wall, behind the bar, you can see — without too much difficulty — a tear-off calendar. The number 14, clearly visible. It isn’t possible to make out the month or year. But, looking closely at the three men, and at the blurred outline of Maud Gallas, the casual observer would imagine the scene to be taking place in the distant past.
An old photograph, found by chance at the bottom of a drawer, from which you carefully wipe the dust. Night is drawing in. The ghosts file in as usual to the Clos-Foucré. Marcheret has perched on a stool. The other two have chosen armchairs by the fireplace. They ordered sickly and pointlessly elaborate cocktails which Maud Gallas mixed, with the help of Marcheret, who plied her with doubtful jokes, calling her ‘my great big Maud’ or ‘my Tonkinese’. She didn’t appear to take offence and when Marcheret slipped a hand into her blouse to paw a breast — a gesture which always causes him to make a sort of whinnying noise — she remained impassive, one cannot help wonder whether her smile reflects contempt or complicity. She’s a woman of about forty, blonde and heavily built, with a deep voice. The brightness of her eyes — are they midnight blue or violet? — is surprising in such a coarse face. What did Maud Gallas do before taking over this auberge? The same sort of thing probably, but in Paris. She and Marcheret often refer to the Beaulieu, a nightclub in the Quartier des Ternes, that closed twenty years ago. They speak of it in hushed tones. Hostess? Ex-cabaret artiste? Marcheret has obviously known her a long time. She calls him Guy. While they are mixing the drinks and shaking with suppressed laughter, Grève, the maître d’hôtel, comes in and asks Marcheret: ‘What would Monsieur le Comte like to eat later?’ To which Marcheret invariably replies: ‘Monsieur le Comte will eat shit’, jutting his chin, crinkling his eyes and contorting his face in an expression of bored self-satisfaction. At such moments, my father always gives a little laugh to show Marcheret that he’s enjoyed this witty banter exchange and thinks Marcheret’s the funniest man he’s ever met. The latter, delighted at the effect he’s having on my father, asks him: ‘Isn’t that right, Chalva?’ And my father, hurriedly: ‘Oh yes, Guy!’ Murraille remains aloof from this repartee. One evening when Marcheret, in better form than usual, hiked up Maud Gallas’s skirt and said: ‘Ah, a bit of thigh!’ Murraille put on a shrill society voice: ‘You must excuse him, my dear, he thinks he’s still in the Legion.’ (This remark casts a new light on Marcheret.) Murraille himself affects the manners of a gentleman. He expresses himself in carefully chosen phrases and modulates his voice to make it as smooth as possible, adopting a kind of parliamentary eloquence. His words are accompanied by sweeping gestures, never failing to add some flourish of chin or eyebrow, and tends to flick his fingers as though opening a fan. He dresses elegantly: English tweeds, shirts and ties in subtle matching shades. So why the strong smell of Chypre which hangs around him? And the platinum signet-ring? Look at him again: his forehead is broad, his pale eyes express a joyful frankness. But, below that, the drooping cigarette emphasises the slackness of his lips. The craggy architecture of his face disintegrates at jaw level. His chin slides away. Listen to him: sometimes his voice grows harsh and cracks. In fact, one has a nasty suspicion that he’s cut from exactly the same coarse cloth as Marcheret.
This impression is confirmed if you watch the two men after dinner. They’re sitting side by side, facing my father — only the back of his head is visible. Marcheret is talking very loudly in a whip-like voice. Blood rushes to his face. Murraille has also raised his voice and his shrill cackling drowns Marcheret’s more guttural laugh. They wink conspiratorially and slap each other on the back. A sort of complicity is established between them, one you can’t quite pin down. You would have to be at their table, listen to every word. From a distance you can only hear confused — and meaningless — snatches of conversation. Now they’re whispering together and their words are lost in the great empty dining-room. From the bronze ceiling fixture, a harsh light spills down on the tables, the panelling, the Normandy dresser, on the stag and roebuck heads on the wall. It weighs on them like cotton wool, muffling the sound of their voices. Not a single patch of shadow. Except my father’s back. Strange how the light spares him. But the nape of his neck is clearly visible in the glare of the ceiling-light, you can even see a small pink scar in the middle. His neck is bent forward as though offered to an invisible executioner. He’s drinking in their every word. He moves his head to within an inch of theirs. His forehead almost glued to those of Murraille and Marcheret. Whenever my father’s face looms too close to his own, Marcheret pinches his cheek between his finger and thumb and twists it slowly. My father jerks back but Marcheret doesn’t let go. He holds him like that for several minutes and the pressure of his fingers increases. He knows my father must be in considerable pain. When it’s over, there’s a red mark on his cheek. He strokes it furtively. Marcheret says: ‘That’ll teach you to be nosy, Chalva. .’ And my father: ‘Oh yes, Guy. . That’s true, Guy. .’ He smiles.