I know it shouldn’t bother me, but the way he’s talking about this woman is making my heart cower, like an early frost has stormed on in. “What’s her name?” I ask.
He hesitates for a moment then says, “Taylor.”
So, Taylor did a real number on him. I hoped that whatever we were – whatever we could be – would be enough to erase her from his mind.
“That’s a nice name,” I tell him, feeling stupid as I say it.
“She was a nice girl,” he says. “But that’s all in the past and in the past is where it will stay. What about you? Your baby daddy?”
I chew on my lip for a moment. “Was I in love with Phil? You know what? I don’t know. I guess so. Maybe it was just infatuation? Stubbornness? Like I’d become so determine to love him I thought I did. Is that possible? Anyway, whatever we had, it still ruined me in the end so maybe it was love or maybe it was just loss. I don’t know.”
“Maybe it was love or maybe it was just loss,” he repeats slowly. “I like that. That makes sense to me. Because sometimes you don’t know, you just know what you had is gone and you know how that makes you feel.”
“Yeah,” I say through a heavy breath, remembering how damn low I felt after Phil left. How scared. Now, I don’t know if my heart itself was breaking because love was lost or if it was just what Phil was to me that was gone. “I guess you know if you know.”
“That’s true,” he says. His arms tighten around me. “Now, why are you getting all philosophical in the dark, huh? Do you need a spanking to set you right?”
I giggle and push his face away from my neck as he attempts to kiss me. “No, I’m good.”
“You’re the opposite of good and you’re going to be punished.”
He suddenly flips me over and climbs on top of me, his hand smacking the side of my hip, his mouth all over my neck and shoulders. I can’t help but laugh as he kisses my worries away.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Nicola
Three weeks pass by in a flash. Three glorious, beautiful weeks. There are some more shifts at work, I’ve bought a sewing machine and some fabric with the extra cash, the weather is starting to get warmer and Ava has become obsessed with bugs (thank you A Bug’s Life). But for the most part, these three weeks have been one naked, hazy, sweat-slicked sex fest.
Bram is insatiable and the more he screws me every which way, the more insatiable I’ve become in return. Every single moment that we’re alone, he’s inside me – cock, tongue, fingers – and I’m starting to feel like the sexual goddess he keeps saying I am. It makes me wonder how I’ve even survived for so long without this in it. I understand now why sex is so goddamn important to people – it gives us life, it makes us feel more alive.
And it brings us connection. It’s not just a fuck or a shag. It’s not just orgasms and exploring each other’s bodies. We’re exploring each other’s souls as well. I know that’s a cheesy way to think about things, but it’s true. The more I sleep with Bram, the more we talk, the more we don’t even need to talk. We just feel each other on this other level, this current of intimacy that’s scary as hell but addicting all the same.
Naturally, I don’t know if he feels the same way that I do. That I’m falling. Bit by bit. That I feel like I understand him on levels I didn’t think possible. But I at least know that sometimes I catch him looking at me and it’s like he thinks I’m magic.
I keep thinking back to what my mother said about that, to never let it go once you’ve found it. God forbid anything from trying to derail what we are and where we might be headed, but I have no intentions of ever letting go.
The only hiccup in the last few weeks is that while I’ve been busier with more shifts, Bram has been busier with more meetings with the city, organizations, and investors. It’s great that his idea is going full-steam ahead, but it does mean we don’t see each other as much as we used to. It’s usually just nights and that’s probably why we cling to each other in the sex-soaked fog like we do.
Tonight though, it’s Monday and I don’t have to work. Bram’s free this evening, so he’s bringing over some Thai takeout for us. Even though takeout food is the worst thing for Ava, he goes out of his way to make sure she has steamed rice and vegetables with no msg and nothing but a little soy sauce, just so she won’t feel left out.
The three of us are sitting around my kitchen table and I’m currently fanning my mouth with my hand because I think I got a load of chilies in my bite of Pad Thai. Bram is watching me with amusement, perhaps even more amused than normal.
“Sorry I don’t have a tongue of steel,” I tell him, slurping back a gulp of white wine to cool the burn.
He lets out a small laugh. “It’s hot even for me.” He looks at Ava then back at me. “Do you girls want to hear something fun?”
“Yes!” Ava says enthusiastically.
Since he included both of us in that question, I figure it can’t be perverted. And so, I’m intrigued.
“What?” I ask, putting my chopsticks down.
Now he’s grinning to himself, like he’s about to tell a joke and is already laughing at the punchline.
“Bram,” I remind him, “what’s fun?”
“Okay, okay,” he says, biting his lip. He’s so damn handsome sometimes I forget my own name. He goes on, “How would you two like to go on a little adventure together?”
“Are we going to IKEA?” Ava asks.
“We are never going to IKEA again,” I tell her. “That’s a bad word in this house now.”
She pouts a little but eyes Bram expectantly.
“Definitely not going there,” he says. “But we are going somewhere that Ava has probably dreamed about going. I must warn you though, little one, you must be brave.”
Her eyes widen, but she nods, serious. “I can be brave. I get the ouchies, I am brave.”
He leans closer to her and whispers, “There are giant bugs there.”
“Bugs!” she cries out. “Oh, I want to see the giant bugs.”
Okay, I have no idea what he’s talking about but I totally don’t want to see any giant bugs.
“Are we going camping?” I ask him, trying not to shudder.
“No,” he says. “But before you say anything, just know that I’ve booked you off the next four days from work.”
“You did what?”
“Don’t worry,” he attempts to placate me, “I’ve already talked to James, it’s not a problem.”
“Yeah, but it’s still money lost!”
“I said don’t worry.” He reaches out and puts his hand on mine, giving it a squeeze. “Please. You deserve this trip. You both do.”
“I’m not sure anyone deserves a trip to giant bug land.”
“Even if it’s located in,” dramatic pause, “Disneyland?”
Oh my God. Did he dare say the word Disneyland around Ava? That’s like conjuring up Beetlejuice, except instead of Michael Keaton appearing, Ava turns into a rocket of a child, like she’s fueled by one million tons of sugar.
“Disneyland!” she shrieks. It’s ear-piercing. “Disneyland!”
I eye Bram who is clearly enjoying himself. “Please tell me you’re serious, because if you don’t take her to Disneyland now—”
“I am completely serious. And I’m glad you’re all for it.”
“Well, of course, I am. Who doesn’t want to go to Disneyland?”
He shrugs. “I’m sure most adults don’t. Didn’t you see Louise CK’s sketch? Personally, I think those adults are no fun, but I’ve got to say, sweetheart, I’m glad you’re not one of them.” He looks at Ava who is practically bouncing out of her seat. “And I can’t imagine a better place for Ava to have some fun too.”