“It’s okay, Matthew,” she says, putting her hand on his head. The kid stares at me with tired eyes and he yawns big and loud.
There’s something so damn familiar about this kid that I feel like I’m barely holding onto reality. Though his skin is darker, his eyes, his brows, the shape of his jaw, even at a young age, are all too similar. He’s even got on the same socks as Bram. Yellow and brown. The Loch Ness Monster.
I look at Bram and realization slowly falls on me, like those first falling stones from an impending rockslide.
“This is Matthew,” Taylor says to me. “Bram’s son.”
And now the rest of the earth gives way.
I’m falling on the inside, down, down, down, buried by the truth.
On the outside I am frozen solid.
I take in a sharp intake of air and can’t seem to let it go. It freezes in my lungs, burning liquid nitrogen.
“I was going to tell you,” Bram says, rubbing his hand over his face, his voice strained. “But I didn’t know when. It’s so damn complicated.”
“Bram,” Taylor warns him. “Not in front of him.”
I can’t even form words. My mouth opens and closes like a stupid fish until finally I burst out, “You have a son?”
“Nicola,” he says, shooting Taylor and Matthew an apologetic look before stepping out in the hall and closing the door halfway. “I can explain.”
How many breakups have started with “I can explain”? How many times has the explanation never really mattered?
“Why did you lie?” I croak, shaking, feeling like I’m being fileted.
“I didn’t lie,” he says. “I just didn’t tell you…I didn’t bring it up, I was going to but—”
“But what?”
He swallows hard and lowers his voice, “Because I did to Taylor and Matthew what Phil did to you and Ava. Because I wanted you to trust me before you knew about things I’ve done and the person I was.”
I suck in my breath, trying to find an ounce of strength to turn away.
“I did trust you,” I tell him. The words crumble out of my mouth. “But I don’t anymore.”
I step backward and he grabs for my hand and I’m ripping myself out of his reach. I run right into my apartment and slam the door, locking it. Bram knocks on it viciously, calling for me, but I don’t want to see him, I can’t see him.
And I can’t be in here.
I yank on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, grab my purse and I’m opening the door. Bram stands there, a face etched with panic, pain, and I push him out of the way.
“Don’t, Nicola!” he yells at me.
But I’m running.
I’m already gone.
***
I have nowhere to go.
I’m on the street, walking fast, trying to get to the nearest bus stop while texting Steph with shaking hands.
I need to talk to you now. Something happened.
What? Her response is immediate. I’m still at the Lion.
I’ll come there. Catching the bus.
I’d come get you but I had too many beerz. Is this about Bram?
I don’t answer that and the minute I walk into the bar, she sees it on my face. I haven’t been crying though. I’m not exactly even sure what to feel except that terrible, dreadful realization that your life, the one you were starting to love, will never be the same.
All of it, wiped away.
“Oh, honey,” Steph says, getting off of her barstool and wrapping her arms around me. “You’re shaking, what happened?”
Beside her, sitting down, is Linden, staring at me curiously. Sometimes he looks just like his brother.
All of a sudden a wave of rage washes over me.
I point my finger at him. “Did you know?”
Linden looks bewildered. “What? Know what?” He looks to Steph for help but she’s just as confused.
“Did you know about Bram?”
His eyes narrow. “What about Bram? What did he do?”
“You know, that he has a fucking kid!” I practically spit out the words. They sound venomous coming from my mouth, like it could poison me. “He’s a father.”
Linden’s eyes go wide. Steph’s seem about to fall out of her head.
“So, did you know?” I go on, feeling angrier by the second. “Was I the only one in the dark?”
“Wait, wait,” Steph interjects, putting her hand out in front of me. “Kid? Father? Are you pregnant again?”
I glare at her. “No! I mean Bram has a kid, a freaking child, with someone else. His name is Matthew. He looks just like him. I just fucking met him in his apartment, visiting hours with his mom or I don’t know what the fuck. What the fuck?”
Linden is slowly shaking his head. “No, that’s not possible. He doesn’t. I would have known.” He looks at Steph. “We would have known.”
“Would you have?” I counter. “Does anyone have any idea what kind of past Bram had?”
“His kid and the baby mama were in his apartment?” Steph repeats, looking freaked out. “Why?”
I throw my hands out. “How should I know? I thought maybe Linden would.”
“No,” Linden says adamantly. “If Bram had a child this whole time, I would have known about it. Are you sure he didn’t know? He could have just found out.”
I want to collapse onto the ground, but I manage to lean against the stool instead. It’s only then that I notice the three of us are the only people in the bar aside from James who was talking to our other bartender, Sandra, in the corner.
“He’s known. Oh, he’s known. He’s alluded to it before. He’s talked about this girl, this Taylor, as the only girl he loved, a girl he made a huge mistake with. Guess that mistake was Matthew…” My heart aches. “Or the mistake could have been leaving her.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath in through my nose. “Those damn stupid socks.”
“You mean the Nessie ones?” says Linden.
I nod. “I had no idea why he wore them, he just called them lucky.”
“That’s what he said to me when I made fun of them.”
“Did he get defensive?”
“Yeah, kind of. But he sometimes does when you don’t really expect him to.”
I let out a ragged breath and sit down on the stool. My legs just won’t stop shaking. None of me will. My own blood feels rattled. “That’s Bram, isn’t it? Does what you least expect him to. I saw those socks on Matthew. There’s no way that was a coincidence. He knew about Matthew from the very start.” His words run through my head. “He said he did to them what Phil did to Ava and me.”
“What a fucker,” Steph says, putting her hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, what are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I just ran. I couldn’t be there.”
“I don’t blame you,” she says just as James comes by.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“Nothing,” Steph says. “But Nicola needs a shot of whisky and fast.”
“Make it two,” Linden says quickly. He looks a bit shell-shocked. I guess it can’t be easy knowing you’ve always been an uncle, you just didn’t know it.
“And James,” I add in. “If you’re still offering me that assistant manager position, I want it.”
He smiles at me as he pours the shot. “Good to hear.” But I don’t smile back.
“I guess we should say congratulations,” Steph says softly. “But it just doesn’t seem right, right now. I’m so sorry, Nicola.” She searches my eyes and they become sadder by the second. “I know how much you’re in love with him.”
And that’s what really stings. That I love him. That he doesn’t love me. And that this happened. One person’s love isn’t enough to keep two people together, I knew that much already.
James hands me the shot and Linden and I down ours at the same time. It burns but not enough. I want it to burn away the gauze over this night.