All the while, Bram was here, just like that first time, when I didn’t know him at all.
He was there for us then.
He’s there for us now.
But still, there’s just so much time, space and distance between us, all that messy past to hold us down, that I’m not really sure how to make things right again.
I just think that I want to.
“Bram,” I say softly.
He rubs his hand over his face and looks at me. His white dress shirt has the sleeves rolled up, a spot of coffee near the buttons. His hair is disheveled. His eyes are wide but red, his skin tired and grey. He looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep at all and I know he hasn’t because of her.
And maybe me.
“Yeah,” he says.
I take in a breath for courage. “I know this probably isn’t the right time to be bringing this up but…I’m still mad at you.”
A small, sad smile flashes on his face. “I know. And you have every right to be mad with me for as long as you want to.”
“But I don’t want to,” I say and look at my hands because it’s easier. “Being mad takes so much out of me. It’s crippling…I don’t want to regret you. That’s not how I want to live, with regrets, even if it pains me.”
“I don’t want you to regret me either,” he says and he puts his hand on my arm. I can feel his eyes on me, searching my face, searching for answers that I may not know myself. “Sweetheart. I’m sorry. Unbelievably sorry. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you believe it, but just hear me out. Just know that it’s true. I never meant to keep Taylor and Matthew from you, I wanted to tell you…I was just a coward and so bloody afraid that you’d leave me. No one wants to admit to someone that they were once a terrible person who did terrible things. I was afraid that if I showed that truth to you, it would scare you away for good. That you would forget about the person I became, the person I am.”
I nod, wondering what I would have done if he had told me on his own time. It’s impossible to know. I might have been okay with it. I might not have been. We might have been strong enough to handle it. Or maybe not.
I think back to what he had said when I told him I loved him. How everything happens in due time. But I think it’s more about the right time.
“Just please listen to me when I say that you were never ever a charity case, okay?”
Ugh. That part still burns.
“Please,” he repeats and I can feel his conviction. “Everything I did for you and Ava is because I wanted to. Because I liked you…a lot. Both of you. I just wanted to be with you. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to make amends for the things I’ve done or maybe it was the matter of properly helping someone when I finally had the means to do it. I just wanted to make you smile. That’s it. That’s really all there ever was. I wanted to make you smile because it seemed like such a hard thing to do. And if I could take care of you both, two girls who deserved it more than anyone I knew, then I would do that too.”
“You took very good care of us,” I tell him, sounding small.
“And I hope I made you smile.”
Of course I have to smile at that. “You did that too. Always.”
A fuzzy, warm kind of silence settles between us and I can’t stop comparing the then and the now and how so much has changed, and so little at the same time.
“Nicola,” he whispers and his voice melts my bones. I can’t help but meet his eyes and in them I see everything I’ve always wanted to see and not because I want to, because it’s there.
“I love you,” he says and at that moment I know it’s true.
Because I can feel it. Because my heart is trying to fly. And I want to let go. Because I know it’s going to boomerang right back to him.
“I am just simply in love with you,” he says, his fingers stroking my jawline, down to my chin. “And there’s not much more that I can say than that. I hope the words are enough because I know them here.” He puts his hand at his chest. “And I had to know that first.”
My eyes water just when I think I can’t possibly have any tears left. My heart swells and swells and swells, threatening to spill over, to drown me, to wash me away.
I welcome it. Because having a heart full of his love, and my love for him, is the best feeling in the world.
“I still love you,” I manage to tell him, my voice breaking. “I couldn’t stop even if I tried. And I tried. I kept wanting to forget you but you were always still in me, no matter what I did.” I swallow hard and he leans forward, kissing me as the tears slide down my cheeks.
I’d dreamed about these lips again and again. Even when I didn’t want to, even when it hurt more than it did me good. I’d dreamed about them.
Now, they were here, kissing me, shedding my skin, making me wild and free.
Making love to my soul.
Suddenly the bed creaks stirring me out of Bram’s warm embrace and we break apart to see Ava staring at us in confusion. For a moment, I think she’s going to lose her mind again, though who knows which way this time.
But she just smiles, brighter than the sun that’s streaming in through her window.
“Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?” she asks, her voice a bit groggy but upbeat.
Bram squeezes my arm. “Would you like that?” he asks her.
She nods slowly. “Yes. Because you’ll take me to Disneyland again.”
I laugh and look at Bram. “Well, it looks like you owe this kid another trip.”
“I owe this kid another trip,” he jerks his thumb at himself. His smile turns wistful as he stares at me. “We’re going to be okay,” he says to me. “I promise. Me, you, her. We’ll be great.”
“Great,” Ava says softly.
I kiss Bram on the forehead and get up, walking over to Ava.
“How are you feeling?” I ask her, putting my hand over her impossibly small one.
“Tired,” she says. “Sleepy.”
“No pain? You know where you are?”
She nods once. “Hospital. Something went wrong with my special disease, didn’t it?”
I squeeze her hand. “It did. You got a bit excited when you saw Bram again. Sometimes if you get too excited, it becomes too much. But the doctors were able to help you, and from now on, I have to watch you a little closer, maybe try some new ouchies. But you’ll be okay.”
“I’ll be great,” she says sleepily. “Just like you and Bram.”
She closes her eyes and drifts off again.
Bram comes up behind me, putting his strong, supportive arm around my waist and the two of us watch Ava as she dreams.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Nicola
The next few days speed on like a rocket. Whereas everything in my life seemed to slog by in slow motion before, now it was blasting forward. There’s been some bumps along the way but that’s to be expected when everything around you does a 180, even if it’s for the better.
The better, of course, is having Bram back in our lives. The worse is that it’s taken a little bit for Ava to pull herself out of her whole episode. It’s been three days and she spent a full one at the hospital, recovering. Luckily, James was proactive and he kicked in my health insurance the moment I got promoted, so there were no financial scares this time around.
I’m still at Kayla’s, which is fine. Ava and I are used to it. Being back with Bram is so new and fresh still, and things have changed in the last two months that it’s taking a while for us to get used to each other again. In fact, I haven’t even slept with him after he told me he loved me. I know that’s a bit shocking, but it hasn’t felt right. Not yet, anyway.
Honestly, I haven’t really been alone with Bram. Other than being at the hospital together, I’m still working my ass off at the Lion, refusing to relax even if he’s back in my life.