Saburo heaved a sigh. “I know it’s hard to talk about. I’ve kept it in for five years. But at some point it wants out, or it eats you from the inside. As if you’d swallowed a snake and it was chewing up your insides.”
Tora snorted. “You’ve got a way with words. You may have swallowed a snake, but I didn’t. Nothing’s eating me.”
“Will you listen? I’ve never talked about this to anyone.”
Tora nodded, but it was clear that he had no intention of sharing secrets.
“I was thirteen when my mother decided I should become a monk. It was obvious by then that I was short and scrawny and would never be much good in the army. She sent me to Nara. The monks there were good to me. They taught me how to read and write, how to keep accounts, and all the most important prayers. At first they sent me out to ask for food and money. I was still a child and looked so hungry and pitiful that people were always generous. But then I got older and was not quite so scrawny anymore. It was at that time that they noticed my only skill. I could climb just about anything and used to run along the monastery roofs like a cat, jumping from one building to the next. That’s when they decided to send me to Mount Koya to be trained by the sohei there. Only I wasn’t trained as a soldier monk. I was trained as a spy. I was very good at spying.”
“We’ve known that you were a monk and a spy,” Tora said dismissively. “The master didn’t like it.”
“No. I can see his point, and I don’t have much else to offer. As it is, I’m much older now and out of practice, so I’m not what I once was. But I haven’t told you what ended my career.”
“You got caught and carved up,” Tora supplied.
“Yes. That was later. Five years later. By then I’d made a reputation for myself. One day, my temple decided to send me to Onjo-ji. The two abbots were friends, you see, and Onjo-ji was having some problems with Mount Hiei. They wanted to know how many warriors Enryakuji had hired. There’d been rumors that they’d built a separate monastery on the mountain to accommodate their army. Onjo-ji’s abbot was afraid and wanted proof so he could petition the emperor to intercede.”
Saburo had Tora’s attention now. “And you went up there and found them?”
Saburo grimaced. “Yes. I got what Onjo-ji wanted, but I decided it wasn’t good enough, that I could get more by getting inside. I did get inside one night and climbed around the buildings without learning much. So I went back again and again. Once I almost got caught when a guard heard me jump down from a roof. I got away. The next night I found the hall where they had their meetings. I overheard plenty. They were planning to provoke a fight with the Onjo-ji monks and then attack the temple and burn it down.”
“How can monks behave like that?”
“Well, there are monks, and then there are sohei. The monks squabble amongst each other about doctrine, honors, and land, just like nobles. And just like nobles, they keep soldiers. The soldiers think like soldiers. They plan to attack.”
Tora said bitterly, “Most soldiers are honorable. Those bastards had no honor.”
“True. In a regular army they wouldn’t tolerate such men, but monasteries tend to be pretty gullible. They believe the men that come to them wanting to be monks. And they protect them from the police. To get back to my disaster: I was lying on one of the great beams above them and picking up all this interesting information when a cat got curious about what I was doing there. I tried to shoo it away with my hand, but the cat clawed me. It was an uneven contest. The cat hissed, they looked up, and I tried to flee. The cat was in my way, and in my hurry I slipped and fell right into the middle of their council of war.”
Tora’s eyes were wide. “What did you do?”
“Nothing to do. They had me, and they wanted to know who sent me.” Saburo grimaced again.
“You didn’t tell them?”
“Not right away. I had some foolish notion of protecting Onjo-ji, my temple by then. After a while, I didn’t care about Onjo-ji, but I was afraid that they would kill me as soon as they knew, and I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction too quickly.”
“That was very brave of you!”
“No, it was stupid. I talked in the end. I talked plenty. I made up stories. I was the biggest coward you ever saw. Pain will do that to a man.”
“I still think you were brave. But they didn’t carve me up. I think they were afraid. Somehow they knew I was connected to the tribunal. Someone came in and told them not to mark me up. That’s when they tried other things.”
“What things?”
Tora turned away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh.” Saburo said nothing for a while, then, “Yes, they did that to me, too.”
Tora turned his head, “You didn’t mind?”
“Not like the knives, but I did mind, yes.”
Tora sat silently, digesting this. After a while he said, “I think I could’ve taken the knives. They made me feel like I was nothing, like I could be used and thrown away. They tied me down over a rice bale, and one of them straddled my neck.” Tora clenched his fists. “I fought. Oh, how I fought!” He held out his lacerated wrists for Saburo to see. “It was no good. They pulled down my pants and I kicked them, but they laughed and made jokes. That’s when their general heard the noise and came in. They left me alone after that. But I’d lost my honor by then.”
Saburo sighed. “Well, they haven’t changed. I was pretty sure they were the same bastards. What do you want to do about it?”
“What can I do? They are gone by now. All I’ve done was to let a tiger loose in the market place. I’ve failed my master, I’ve failed poor Kinzaburo and his wife, and I’ve failed Hanae. I’m no good to anyone anymore.”
“The people who love you know better. You have a family that depends on you. Me, I’m alone. Nobody cares what happens to me. But you’ve got a wife. Don’t let those bastards win.”
Tora jumped up, white-faced. “I shouldn’t have told you.” He went inside and slammed the door shut behind him.
Saburo sat a little longer. When he heard raised voices inside, he got up and left.
∞
Later that day, Tora came to him, looking very uneasy. “Forgive me, brother,” he said quite humbly. “I didn’t mean to speak to you that way.”
Saburo smiled and nodded. “I understand. Don’t worry about it.”
He expected Tora to turn away again, but he did not. Instead he stood there, looking around and up at the sky while clenching and unclenching his big hands.
“I have to go into town to pay off some merchants,” Saburo said after a while. “How about walking with me? The cherry trees are blooming along the canals.”
Tora nodded. “Why not?”
At first neither said very much beyond a comment or two on the weather and on the cherry trees. The scene along the canal was a happy one. Children played on the banks and a few young women washed clothes. The trees were covered with blossoms, white turning to pink, but the first petals were already falling. They paused on one of the arched bridges and leaned on the wooden railing to watch the scene below.
Saburo said, “Cherry blossoms always make me sad these days. I courted Shokichi under the cherry trees. It seems like an age ago.” He heaved a sigh.
“So?” asked Tora.
“It’s hard, being alone.”
“There are plenty of women.”
“It’s not the same.”
They fell silent again. Then Tora said, “You noticed we’re having troubles, Hanae and me.”
“I heard.”
“It’s my fault. I’m no good to her anymore. I try, but I can’t.”
Saburo pursed his lips. “I’m sorry, brother. I expect it’ll pass.”
“No!” Tora grasped his arm and shook it. “ I’m no good to anyone. I’m useless. I couldn’t even give the master his exercise in Otsu. He sent me home because he has no more use for me. But I’m no use to anyone here either.”