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John came back over, sliding up next to me. “Me and Brad are going to get a cab, come on.”

“Brad?” I blinked.

“Yeah, he and Valerie are ready to leave too.”

What a cock block. I thought it might just be us in my apartment, but I couldn’t be so lucky. We piled into a cab and went back to my tiny apartment. The place felt even smaller as Brad stumbled over my coffee table and fumbled around my kitchen, taking whatever alcohol he could find and mixing it together.

I didn’t want to keep drinking. I wanted to find the very close comforts of my bed with John. He barely seemed to notice my advances as my fingers trailed up his inner thigh while we sat on the floor, playing a game of Asshole with Valerie and Brad. I could have pulled his pants down right there and I didn’t even think he’d notice.

Finally the designated driver came and picked Brad up after Valerie fell asleep on the couch. I practically jumped for joy as I watched him stagger out of the house.

“You ready for bed?” I asked John, trying my best to put on a seductive smile.

“Yeah, I’m beat.” He walked the few steps to my bed that was only separated from my couch by a bookshelf.

“I’d like to beat you.” I swerved over to him and put my fingers through his belt loops pulling him against me.

“I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, Red.” He didn’t smile, but he didn’t frown either.

“It means that you need to get in this bed with me, now.” I let go of his belt loops and pushed him back. He barely moved when I pushed him, but then took a few steps back.

“Come on, John, let’s stop with the teasing and get this party started.” I slinked forward, slowly pulling off my tunic and throwing it on the floor so that I was just left in my strapless bra.

I put my hands on the waistband of my leggings, but then John grabbed my wrists, forcing me to look up at him. “Stop it, Red. Your sister is right there on the couch.”

“Psh! She wouldn’t care.” I couldn’t move my wrists and the world felt like it was spinning, so I just leaned forward and put my head on his chest.

“No, Red.” He let go of my wrists and then stepped around me. “I’m not doing this right now.”

“Why not?” I pouted. “Is it because I’m a cancer freak?” I didn’t know where the words came from. There was something about the alcohol that made me say things.

“What the fuck? Where is this coming from?”

Instead of being horny I felt something else bubble inside me. “You. All you wanted to do was jump my bones before you found out I had cancer. Now you stop before we ever go all the way. It’s like you feel sorry enough for me to kiss me, and let me get you off, but not enough to fuck me.”

He stepped forward, shaking his head and putting his hands on my shoulders. “That’s not it at all. You know I care about you. I care about you so fucking much it hurts.”

“Then why won’t you just do me already?”

“Because I care about you too much to just have some mindless sex with you.”

“Pffffft!” I plopped down on the bed. My head was spinning and I wasn’t exactly sure what I was saying.

“Red...” He sat on the bed next to me, putting his hands on the side of my face, meeting my eyes with his. “You know I want you. I’ve done nothing but tell you that. But you just had another procedure done today and you’re shit faced. I’m not going to do something we’ll both regret when you’re sober.”

I shoved his hands down. “So you’d regret me?”

He shook his head, letting out a big sigh. “I didn’t say that.”

“You only think of me as some cancer freak. You’ll make out with me, sure, and take care of me, but when it comes to actually getting down? Oh no. Can’t do that with the cancer girl. Though you’ve probably done it with a million other girls at the Alpha Mu house.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. You know how much I care about you. As for the sex, is that what you want? For me to just fuck you tonight while you can barely even stand? I’m not going to do that.”

“I can totally stand. You’re just using it as an excuse.” I fell back on the pillow. I could have stood...maybe.

He groaned. “Melanie, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about sex. If you don’t realize how much I care about you by now, then I don’t know what else I can tell you.”

“Tell me that you want to make love to me and what’s holding you back from doing it.”

“What?”

I didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they all spilled out of me. I met his eyes, looking straight at him. “Tell me what’s holding you back from loving me.”

John mumbled something, but I couldn’t understand him. I wanted to ask, but my head was pounding and my eyes felt so heavy and the bed felt so comfortable.

“Red, are you okay?” He sounded so far away. So far away. I closed my eyes and I couldn’t hear his voice anymore. I couldn’t see his beautiful face and I didn’t have to face his rejection.

Chapter 25

When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding. I moaned and rolled over, hoping to bury my head in John’s chest and sleep a little longer. But John wasn’t there. I opened my eyes and the room was too bright. I blinked and felt along the left side of the bed. Empty.

My eyes finally adjusted to the light and I saw a bright yellow sticky note on the pillow. All it said was “Sorry.” I sat straight up. John’s suitcase that was always in the corner was gone. I stood and looked out the window. His jeep wasn’t parked out front. He really was gone. He didn’t even say goodbye.

I heard a loud groan from the couch and I walked around my bookcase. Valerie was spread out on the couch, squinting and unsquinting her eyes. “Never. Drinking. Again.”

“You can say that again,” I muttered.

She rubbed her eyes, her makeup smearing on her hands. “We didn’t do something stupid like have a foursome, did we?”

I let out a breath. “Not unless the foursome involved something that would cause John to leave.”

“What?” She sat up slowly, holding onto her head.

“I don’t remember much, but I think we had a fight and all I have to show for it is a sticky note on my pillow.”

She shook her head. “I’m too hungover to discuss this now, but after breakfast, we will analyze this the whole way home.”

I hadn’t really shopped for groceries since I knew I would be going home, which meant nothing for breakfast, but that was fine with Valerie. Her idea of cooking was picking out a new restaurant anyway. We stopped at a little diner not far from campus. It was open 24 hours and was always crawling with students. But this morning it was empty.

By the time Valerie downed two cups of coffee and ate half her omelet, she finally talked. “Okay, Mel, spill.”

I forked my bacon. I wasn’t really hungry, but Valerie swore that greasy food cured a hangover and my head was pounding. “Spill what?”

She clanked her spoon against her coffee cup, pouring another pound of sugar into it. “What the hell happened with you and John? You two were all over each other on the dance floor and then he just leaves you a sticky note? That does not sound like the same guy.”

“How would you even know what was going on at Gatsby’s? You were all over Brad.”

I looked up as Valerie rolled her eyes. “Oh come on. Don’t put this on me. So I made out with one of John’s random frat brothers. It didn’t hurt anyone and I didn’t care that he left. You actually love this guy.”

I almost choked on my bacon and had to pound my fist against my chest. “I never said that I love John.”

“Yeah, but you do. That’s as plain as day. You need to stop being such a girl about it and get rid of whatever is holding you back and fall in love with full force.”