“Even if I did love him, it takes two people to be in love and by the way he left last night I’m not sure he feels the same way.”
Valerie clanked her spoon on her mug. “Seriously, stop with the pitying. Is this what you did last night to make him leave?”
I could feel the tension building up and I put my hands into tight fists. “No, he left because I did what you said. I wanted to sleep with him and he turned me down.”
She blinked. “Ex squeeze me? Did you just say that the guy that was practically screwing you on the dance floor turned down sex?”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“Could it have been because you just had another procedure done? Or maybe because you were so drunk that you could barely walk and he didn’t want to do that to you?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t feel that bad after the biopsy and I wasn’t that drunk.”
“Puh-lease. You kept telling me that you were white girl wasted and fell into a garbage can outside the bar.”
“No I didn’t.”
Okay, so that might have explained the bruise on my hip. It still didn’t excuse John for just leaving a sticky note. He had stayed with me through a lot worse things than drunken stupidity.
“Whatever, Mel. It was nice to see you let go, for once, but it was like you still couldn’t get over your insecurities. Just let the boy love you and stop over thinking. I promise that you’ll be much happier.”
“Whatever you say, Val.”
Valerie chatted most of the way back to our mom’s in Princeville, but I was busy checking my phone. I wanted to text John, but I didn’t know what to say. If I really was as drunk as Valerie said I was, who knew what else I probably did. Which made the forty five minute ride home seem like it took even longer when I just kept thinking about all of the stupid things I probably did.
My parents bought a ranch home in a wooded subdivision when it was first built. I was just a little kid when we moved there and was so excited to get out of a tiny apartment and into a place with sidewalks and a fenced in back yard with a wooden swing set. Thirteen years later and the place had lost its luster. It also didn’t help that the more my parents fought, the more the house took the brunt of it. Our grass had long been dead and the siding was more of a beige color than white. It was almost embarrassing to pull up to the house.
“Home sweet home,” I muttered.
“She really needs to just sell this place and get something with less maintenance,” Valerie said, stepping out of the car and grabbing her bag out of the back.
“Agreed. But she never will.”
After the divorce we tried to get mom to get a condo or even just an apartment but she kept saying she would never move. She fought for the house in the divorce and said that she wasn’t going to get rid of something that was paid for.
Mom was still at work when we got there, but at least the house was clean. Last time we went home, she had boxes stacked in the entry way and dirty dishes all over the kitchen. It looked like she got over whatever funk she was in and the house was actually looking a lot better. The living room was freshly painted a light gray color and where it opened to the kitchen, she had new tile laid down. The beige carpets didn’t look like they needed to be vacuumed badly and the hallway to our bedrooms and bathroom was clear of any laundry or other obstacles.
“Looks like mom cleaned up,” Valerie said.
“Yeah.”
I stared at all that she had accomplished, even in my bedroom. She had always left it just as is after I’d left, even though I basically cleared everything out to move, but this time it looked like she had rearranged. The futon I slept on was made with a clean, white quilt and she had a small book shelf and desk to the side of it with some real estate books sitting next to her ancient laptop. I guess my room was doubling as an office. An office she was using to possibly study for her real estate license.
“Hey Val?” I yelled.
Valerie’s old room was right next to mine so she was over in a few seconds. “Yeah?”
I picked up one of the books on the desk. “Is mom dating a realtor or is she becoming one?”
Val raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t she tell you? She’s been studying her ass off to take the exam.”
I shook my head. I had been so wrapped up in my own world that I missed out on what my mom was doing. “No. I guess I’ve missed out on a lot.”
I set the book down and Valerie grabbed my hand. “Hey. You’ve had a lot going on. There’s no reason to think you were doing something wrong by not knowing.”
Tears stung my eyes as I looked up at Valerie. “How long have I been so selfish?”
“Honey, you aren’t selfish.”
I shook my head, tears blurring my vision. “No, I am. I may have gone through some shit this year, but that didn’t mean that I had to bury myself in my own pity party. When Mom was going through all that stuff with Dad, I should have been there more for her instead of just running off to school and busying myself with work. I should have called you more when you first moved to Chicago. I should have listened to John instead of just thinking about what I wanted from him.”
“Oh, sis, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. You’ve had a hard year.” She pulled me into a hug and I let her.
“I know. But I promise that things are going to be better. They need to.”
Valerie rubbed my back. “I don’t expect anything of you, little sis. I just want you to be you and I think that’s all anyone wants. Free yourself of all of those thoughts that everything needs to be a certain way and let go. Enjoy the moment.”
Let go. That’s what John had told me over and over. Maybe if I did let go I would have noticed what was going on around me. It was finally time to let go of my insecurities and move on. Cancer and boys be damned.
Chapter 26
It took some work but I finally trained myself to let loose and forget all the baggage that was weighing me down. I was able to laugh with my mom and sister at dinner. I could forget about finals and all the stress of school. It was nice just to sit, relax, and not have to worry about anything.
Mom talked to me about getting her real estate license. She said that while insurance had been good to her, it was time for a change. The housing market may have crumbled, but with all of her contacts at work she thought she would have a good start. And with her personality I knew she would do great. Even if she didn’t, even if she failed at it, I would be there for her when she needed someone. Just like her and Valerie were there when I needed them.
But of course there was the white elephant that no one addressed. John. I figured Valerie must have let mom know that we had a fight because she didn’t ask about him at dinner that night or the rest of the weekend while she was home from work. I also didn’t get a single text or phone call from John. I thought maybe he might have been busy with his family, but then I saw pictures of him on Facebook that other people posted. I wanted to throw up. If he could go out with friends then he should have had time to text me.
Maybe it was more than a drunken night. Maybe I said something that I shouldn’t have. I mulled over what to do and it wasn’t until the night before Christmas Eve that I finally got the courage to call him. It went straight to voicemail and I was afraid to leave a message so I just hung up.
Maybe it was late and he was sleeping. Or out with one of the girls that had tagged him in the pictures. There was one particular girl that always had a big cheesy grin when she was in photos with him. I thought about her stupid, smiling face as I laid on my futon, staring at the ceiling. I needed to fold the futon down and put it in the bed position instead of just letting my imagination run wild. I stood up to unfold the bed and then felt the phone vibrate. It couldn’t be.