When I picked up the phone, I saw a picture of me and John from History class. I told him we shouldn’t take pictures during class, but he insisted. And it was a day when he looked particularly hot with a hint of stubble on his chin and his hair gelled and spiky.
He was calling me back. He broke the silence. My fingers were shaking so badly that I almost didn’t answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” he breathed.
I expected to hear a loud background noise like he was at a club or something, but there was only silence. He wasn’t out. There wasn’t another girl with him. Hopefully.
“I’m sorry, were you busy?”
“Nah. I had a hard work out today and just got out of the shower. Getting ready for bed.”
“Oh, sorry for disturbing you. I...I...I can let you go.”
“Wait. It’s fine. We should talk. I’ve been meaning to call, but every time I get up the nerve, I just...I don’t know...”
I didn’t reply. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke again.
“You haven’t called or texted me either,” he blurted.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to. You left me, John. I thought you wanted your space. Especially with the sticky note.”
He sighed. “Yeah, that was a dick move.”
“And I’m wondering what dick move I pulled that made you do that.”
“It wasn’t you, Red. It was me. I should’ve just talked to you instead of storming out.”
“Then why’d you do it?” I blinked, rolling thoughts through my head about that night. The only thing that was coming to mind was my drunken stupor and me taking my shirt off. “You may have to refresh my memory.”
I knew he was rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t want to relive all of that. I just know that you wanted me and I wanted you, but I couldn’t do it. I just needed to get out and you started talking about cancer and I just lost it. I left without saying goodbye. I should’ve manned up and talked to you, but I couldn’t.”
I let out a breath of air through my nose. “I wish you didn’t leave.”
“I wish I didn’t either. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I was being honest. I never missed someone so much in my entire life. “Are we going to be okay? Can we go back to how things were?”
He let out a deep breath. “I don’t know, Red. We’ve been through so much it’s kind of hard to just go back and act like nothing ever happened.”
Tears pricked my eyes and my vision blurred. I sat down on the futon, taking a deep breath and tried to steady myself. “I don’t want to lose you, John.”
“I don’t want to lose you either, baby.” His voice took on a soothing tone and I ached to be near him. I wanted to fall into his arms, have him hold me and never let go. “But I’m hurt, you know? There was a lot of emotional shit that went down last night. I feel like you don’t trust me, no matter how many times I’ve tried to prove it to you.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I think you said enough last night.”
“John!” I protested. “I was wasted.”
“They say alcohol is like truth serum. People say things they’ve been keeping inside. I knew you were pissed about the whole Missy thing and I’ve been trying to make it up to you ever since. It makes me feel like we’re never going to get past that. That everything is always going to bite us in the ass.”
“John...”
“Melanie,” he said in a hoarse tone before he cleared his throat. “I care about you so fucking much. Cancer and all that shit doesn’t matter to me. I could care less if we never had sex and you just let me hold you forever. I wish I could just get that through to you, but it seems like we just keep walking in circles around the same argument.”
“I don’t want to argue with you anymore. I just want you.”
“I want you too. I want to make this work, but I want both of us to want it. And if we aren’t ready to dive into this full force then maybe it’s not worth it.”
A single tear rolled down my cheek. “I...I.. .have to go.” I didn’t want to cry with him on the phone.
“Okay. I understand. I’ll text you later.”
“Goodbye, John.”
“Goodbye, Red.”
I set the phone down and cried. Let all the tears fall onto my face. Tears for me and John’s relationship. Tears for my stupidity. I should have known that I could trust him. He’d done more than prove himself to me. And now because of one mistake I could lose the best thing that ever happened to me.
The next day was Christmas Eve and Mom had to work. She said it would be better when she wasn’t working in the call center, but until then me and Val were stuck without her. We rented some old black and white Christmas movie and sat underneath blankets on the couch.
I tried to focus on the movie, but all I could think about was John. Valerie wanted me to take the keys to her car and drive up to his house in some romantic gesture. But that wouldn’t work since I didn’t know where he lived and I wasn’t sure if he wanted me there. I didn’t even know if I could make the drive with how much I’d cried the night before. I felt like I was a zombie.
“Why can’t all relationships be like the ones in old movies?” I watched as the guy on the screen put his hand on the girl’s cheek and said something unbelievably romantic to her.
“Because guys don’t actually think about what they do or say. These are actors, they have it all written for them,” Valerie said.
The doorbell rang, knocking me and Val out of our conversation. Mom still had to work until seven and we didn't order anything, so I had no idea who could be at the door.
"I guess I'll get it if you're just going to sit there," Val said, pulling the blanket off of her and crawling off the couch.
"Maybe it's just a delivery and they’ll leave the package at the door," I said.
The doorbell rang again like it was taunting me. Valerie didn't even answer me as she strode from the living room to the front entrance.
A few seconds later she was yelling for me. "Melanie! It’s for you!"
It was probably Monica. She should have been back from the Chapmans’ by now. She was probably coming by to give me all the details of what Christmas Eve day was like with Trey's family.
I tossed aside my blanket and trudged to the front foyer. But it wasn't Monica at all. Standing in his NorthFace jacket with snow atop his brown hair was John and my heart was in my throat.
“I-I-I wasn’t expecting you,” I stuttered. I could barely form any words. I was scared that we wouldn’t talk before we returned to school. I thought I’d have more time to think of what to say. But now he was standing there, looking every bit of sexy as always, but with a hint of sadness in his eyes.
“And I think that’s my cue to leave.” Valerie grabbed her coat from the rack and slid it on. “I’m just going for a drive. A long drive. And I’ll make sure to knock. A lot. Before I come home.” She raised her eyebrows, giving me a sly smile before she walked out the front door, closing it tightly behind her.
“That’s why I’m here, Red.” He took a step closer, rubbing the back of his neck. “After talking to you last night, I couldn’t sleep. I needed to talk to you. See you. I wanted to leave as soon as we got off the phone, but thought better of it. So I waited until this morning.”
How did you find out where I lived?” I arched an eyebrow.
“Monica.”
“Guess that makes sense.” I stared at my feet, tracing a small circle on the entryway tile with my foot.