I began my studies. Each morning, Susan cooked me breakfast; each evening, supper – unless I fetched us a kebab or sheftalia. Sometimes, when I arrived back, she would sing at me, ‘Little man, you’ve had a busy day.’ She also took my washing to the launderette and brought it home for ironing. We still went to concerts and art exhibitions. The mattress on the floor became a double bed, in which we slept together night after night, and where some of my cinematic assumptions about love and sex became subject to adjustment. For instance, the notion of lovers falling blissfully asleep in one another’s arms resolved itself into the actuality of one lover falling asleep half on top of the other, and the latter, after a certain amount of cramp and interrupted circulation, gently shifting out from beneath while trying not to wake her. I also discovered that it wasn’t only men who snored.
My parents didn’t reply to my change-of-address letter; nor did I invite them to visit the house in Henry Road. One day I returned from college to find Susan in agitated mood. Martha Macleod, Miss Grumpy herself, had descended without warning for a tour of inspection. She was bound to have noted that whereas in the Village her mother had slept in a single bed, now she had a double one. Fortunately, in my dark green study, the sofa bed had been pulled out, and left unmade by me that morning. But then, as Susan remarked, two doubles hardly make a single. My own attitude to Martha Macleod’s likely disapproval of our sleeping arrangements was – would have been – one of pride and defiance. Susan’s was more complicated, though I admit I didn’t spend much time on its nuances. After all, were we living together or were we not?
When she reached the two undecorated attic rooms at the top of the house, Martha had apparently said,
‘You should have lodgers.’
When Susan had demurred, her daughter’s reply, delivered either as argument or instruction, was:
‘It would be good for you.’
Quite what she meant by this we debated that evening. True, there was an economic argument for lodgers: they would make the house more or less self-sufficient. But what was the moral argument? Perhaps that lodgers would give Susan something more to do than wait for the return of her shameless lover. Martha might also have intended that lodgers would somehow dilute my noxious presence, and camouflage the reality of number 23 Henry Road – of Fancy Boy Number One living brazenly with an adulteress still more than twice his age.
If Martha’s visit had troubled Susan, it also, on further thought, troubled me. I had failed to consider her future relations with her daughters. My focus had all been on Macleod, on getting Susan away from him, and now, from a safe distance, divorcing him. For our joint sake, but mainly for hers. She had to scrub this mistake from her life and give herself the legal as well as the moral freedom to be happy. And being happy consisted of living with me, alone and unfettered.
It was a quiet neighbourhood, and we received few visitors. I remember one Saturday morning being stirred from the law of tort by the front doorbell. I heard Susan invite someone – two someones, a man and a woman – into the kitchen. About twenty minutes later, I heard her say, as she shut the front door,
‘I’m sure you feel a whole lot better now.’
‘Who was that?’ I asked as she passed my door. She looked in to see me.
‘Missionaries,’ she replied. ‘God damn and blast them, missionaries. I let them get it all off their chests and then sent them on their way. Better to waste their puff on me than someone they might convert.’
‘Not actual missionaries?’
‘It’s a general term. Actual missionaries are the worst, of course.’
‘You mean, these were Jehovah’s Witnesses, or Plymouth Brethren, or Baptists, or something?’
‘Or something. They asked me if I was worried about the state of the world. It’s an obvious catch question. Then they bored on about the Bible as if I’d never heard of it. I nearly told them I knew all about it and that I was a flaming Jezebel.’
And with that she left me to my studies. But instead I mused on these sudden bursts of fierce opinion, which so endeared her to me. I had been educated by books, she by life, I thought again.
One evening, the phone went. I picked it up and gave the number.
‘Who is that?’ said a voice I immediately recognised as Macleod’s.
‘Well, who’s that?’ I replied, with fake casualness.
‘Gor-don Mac-leod,’ he said with extended heaviness. ‘And whom might I be having the honour of speaking to?’
‘Paul Roberts.’
As he banged the receiver down, I found myself wishing I’d said Mickey Mouse, or Yuri Gagarin, or the Chairman of the BBC.
I didn’t tell Susan about this. I didn’t see the point.
But a few weeks later we received a visit from a man called Maurice. Susan had met him before, once or twice. He might have had a connection to Macleod’s office. There must have been some arrangement made. It seemed he had picked a time when I would be there too. I’m not sure about it all, at this distance – maybe it was just luck on his part.
I failed to ask any of the obvious questions at the time. And if I had, perhaps Susan would have had the answers, perhaps not.
He was a man of fiftyish, I suppose. In my memory I have given him – or he has acquired over the years – a trenchcoat, and perhaps a broad-brimmed hat, underneath which he wore a suit and tie. He was perfectly cordial in behaviour. He shook my hand. He accepted a cup of coffee, he used the lavatory, he asked for an ashtray, and he talked about the bland, general topics adults went in for. Susan was in her hostess mode, which involved tamping down some of the things I most loved her for: her irreverence, her free-spirited laughter at the world.
All I can remember is that at one point the conversation turned to the closure of Reynolds News. This was a paper – Reynolds News and Sunday Citizen, to give its full title – which had fallen on hard times, relaunched itself as a tabloid Sunday, and then finally closed – presumably not long before this conversation.
‘I don’t think it matters much,’ I said. I didn’t really have any view on the matter. I might have seen a copy or two of Reynolds News, but was mainly just reacting to Maurice’s tone of deep concern.
‘You don’t?’ he asked civilly.
‘No, not really.’
‘What about the diversity of the press? Isn’t that something to be valued?’
‘All the papers seem much the same to me, so I don’t see that one fewer of them matters much.’
‘Are you by any chance part of the Revolutionary Left?’
I laughed at him. Not at his words, but at him. What the fuck did he take me for? Or perhaps, Who the fuck? He might as well have been a member of the tennis club committee, back at the Village.
‘No, I despise politics,’ I said.
‘You despise politics? Do you think that’s an entirely healthy attitude? Do you find cynicism a comfortable position? What would you replace them with? You’d close down newspapers, you’d close down our way of doing politics? You’d close down democracy? That sounds like a Revolutionary Left position to me.’