“You could say that. I prefer to say that my heart was captured.” I cleared my throat and gave her a sorrowful smile. “Because what’s love, really? What does it mean? What does it matter if you can’t help the ones you love?”
“You can’t change anyone. Not if they don’t want to be changed.” Lucky reached out and grabbed ahold of my hand again and squeezed it. “You know that right, Noah?”
“I do.” I caressed her hand in mine and gave her a grateful smile. “You’re wonderful, you know that, right?”
“Hold on there, brother.” Zane gave me a look. “We may be family, but no flirting with my girl.”
“My name’s Lucky.” She rolled her eyes, but I saw her reach her other hand down and squeeze his thigh. “Not ‘my girl.’”
“Treat her right or you may have some competition.” I winked at Lucky as I spoke and her eyes sparkled back at me.
“You want to be a dad to my children?” Zane grinned at me. “I don’t mind if you want to take on diaper duty.”
“I think that when you love someone and you have a good heart, it shouldn’t matter who the biological parents are.” My tone became very serious. “So yes, if it came to it, I could love both of your children as my own very easily and I would take care of them as my own.”
“Whoa, hold on there.” Zane’s eyes narrowed. “It seems like you’ve already given this some thought.”
“No, not really. I just think that people in general should be more loving. And that I could easily be a father to another man’s kids; maybe even a better father than the biological father.” I smiled at him weakly and then continued. “Why can’t we all be open and loving to everyone?”
“Good point.” Zane cleared his throat. “I was hoping you’d say something like that because I would really like to know what you know about Mom and why she ignored me in Paris.”
“I …”
“I don’t want any bullshit answers from you, Noah.” His voice rose and his tone changed. “I’ve had about enough waiting to find out some answers.”
“Zane!” Lucky admonished him and shook her head in worry.
“No, stop sticking up for him. You’re my fiancée. You should be supporting me. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know why Mom left and how long Noah has known the truth. I’m done with secrets in this family.” He turned away from Lucky and stared at me. “You owe me some answers, Noah. Not some bullshit philosophical thoughts about life and families. I don’t give two shits about how things would be in your ideal world. I want to know the truth about our very real, un-ideal world, and I want to know now.”
We stared at each other for a few moments and I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I knew the truth would hurt far more than me keeping it a secret. Even if it made me the bad guy. Even if it meant he had to hate me for a little bit longer. I didn’t want to risk him going through all those years of pain and rejection again. I could still picture the pain in his eyes when anyone asked him where his mom was. I could still see him as a young boy crying in his bed when he thought no one was around. I could still see the hope in his eyes when the doorbell rang and we still thought our mom was going to come back. And I could still remember the angry, bitter man who couldn’t get over the fact that we had been abandoned. The man that had sworn he would never fall in love, never get caught in that trap. And as I looked at him across the table with Lucky, his beautiful wonderful fiancée, who was starting to show her pregnancy in her stomach and face, and I watched the open and easy love he had for her, I knew I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk him clamming up and reverting back to his old self.
“So tell me, Noah. What’s the big secret you’ve been trying to keep to yourself?”
“Hey, excuse me, guys.” Robin approached the table with a slightly embarrassed expression. “Can you keep it down a bit?” She stared at me with an expression of curiosity.
“Sorry.” I nodded as I looked back at her with a blank expression as she attempted a small smile at me. I wasn’t in the mood for her hot-and-cold games. I was fed up with girls and their games. No matter how beautiful they were.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I think I was a bit …” She blushed as she mumbled on to me and I waved my hand at her.
“Forget about it. It really doesn’t matter. Just give us the check, please.”
“Is there anything else you guys would like? You haven’t even gotten your—”
“Just the check, please.” We stared at each other for another moment and she nodded. “Sure, I’ll be right back.” She hurried away and I watched her walk up to the counter to print out our receipt. She had an air about her that was slightly mysterious and intriguing. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she was unique and had somehow wormed her way into my already-overcrowded mind.
“Don’t think this is over,” Zane leaned towards me and whispered in a low voice. “You may have been saved by the waitress this time, but next time you won’t be so lucky.”
“Give it a break, Zane.” I sighed. “Please, just give it a break. Okay.” I pulled out some twenties and placed them on the table before jumping out of the booth. “I’m going to walk home, I’ll see you guys later.” I hurried away from the table and I saw Robin turn around and watch me as I left the table. I turned around to thank her as I exited, but a weird feeling filled me as we made eye contact, and I felt flustered and uncomfortable. I nodded and mumbled a quick “thanks” before hightailing it out of the restaurant and walking down the street. I needed to think and plan. I knew that Zane was not going to let this rest. And I also knew that I couldn’t allow him to know the truth. But I didn’t want to lose him as well. Not after Skylar; the pain that remained in my heart from leaving her was still almost too much to bear.
“Hey,” I knocked on the study door and walked in without waiting for Zane to grant me access. “What you up to?”
“Balancing the checkbook.” Zane shrugged as he looked up at me from his table.
“Sounds fun.”
“Yeah, it’s a bundle of delight. Almost as much fun as disappearing to a small town in Florida.”
“Yeah, that was great fun.”
“I’m surprised you came back, what with your great love still being there and all.”
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m sorry that you think that.” He turned back to his computer. “I’m kind of busy.”
“Is that a hint to leave?”
“I won’t stop you if you walk out the door.” He started tapping on the keys in front of him and I walked over to the table.
“Hey.” I sat down in the dark mahogany chair.
“Yes?” He looked up at me in irritation.
“Really?” I rolled my eyes at him. “We’re going to play this game?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re mad at me. I understand that. I didn’t expect you to just forgive me when I got back. But this—this weird, rude sarcasm, this is not what I expected. Shout at me if you must, scream, whatever. Just don’t treat me like some random person you don’t know and don’t like.”
“But I don’t really know you, do I?” He frowned at me. “And it’s not like you trust me or care about my feelings. You didn’t tell me you were working for the FBI, you won’t tell me about our mom. I mean, come on, Noah, what sort of brothers are we?”
My breath caught at his words and I stared into his blazing eyes with my heart pounding.
“Do you think it was easy for me to just walk away without telling you? Do you think it didn’t keep me up at night? Do you think I didn’t want to call you every single morning and every single night? It fucking killed me, Zane. I wanted to tell you so badly.”