The Oyster Volume V

She took the handle from me, reversed my efforts and began to release the Great Detective from his bondage.

'Now,' she said, as the ends were freed. 'You take one end and I'll take the other.' She laughed. 'Like a maypole. We've got to unwind him. Go round that way.' Obeying her, I set off clockwise. Ducking under my arms, she circled round in the opposite direction. Holmes, trying to help us, began to swivel round.

'It would be quicker, Sir,' she said, if you stayed still. We'll have you out of that in a trice.'

He did as he was told and with a few quick turns we had him disentangled. He stood there, swaying slightly on his feet.

'He's a bit dizzy,' she said. 'We'll turn him round the other way. That way he'll get his balance back.'

'You realise, of course, that these childish games are in fact connected with ancient fertility rites,' said Holmes, ever the teacher.

'Just what my old headmaster used to point out to us,' I responded, pleased to be able to demonstrate my knowledge of such things, 'I had not realised, Sir, that you had a particular interest in folklore.'

'A longtime but minor interest,' he said. 'Though one that has been useful to me before now in my detective work.'

I remembered the moaning and the sounds of hasty departure that had preceded our entrance, although all was now quiet.

'What happened?' I asked.

'As you should be able to deduce,' said Holmes, 'I have been assaulted in a most disgraceful fashion. They went that way,' he continued, pointing down the passage that stretched further ahead.

'How many were there?' I asked.

Three,' he replied. 'One was the fellow we had been following. Or rather, I followed. You seem to have been somewhat delayed on the way. I notice also,' he said, 'that you appear also to have acquired a companion.'

'Er, this is er — ' realising as I began my introduction that of course I had no idea whatsoever of the name of my Welsh Encounter.

'Megan, Sir,' she said. 'Do you want a fuck? Only fourpence.'

'My dear young lady,' said Holmes, 'Grateful though I am for your assistance in releasing me, you must realise that this is neither the time nor the place for such a transaction. Evil is afoot and we must be in hot pursuit.'

'Did you get a good look at the other two?' I asked, somewhat concerned at the prospect of a hand-to-hand engagement with no less than three opponents. For a moment Holmes appeared embarrassed.

'They were women.' Uncharacteristically he hesitated. 'Both substantially built and both, er, both stark naked.'

'Good God!' I exclaimed.

'Two large naked women. Probably of the servant class, judging by their coarse hands and coarse language.'

'What were they doing?' I asked.

'Behaving in a manner not dissimilar to that suggested by your friend here,' he said. 'They were accompanied in their activities by the well-dressed stranger.'

'Why did they tie you up?' asked Megan. Once more Holmes looked crestfallen.

'I had managed to approach the door, which was then half-closed, unnoticed,' he said. 'Believing from the noise that some foul crime was being perpetrated, I bent to observe what was going on through the crack between door and frame. Unfortunately, at that very moment, one of them looked up from their revels on the floor-'

'So that was the noise,' I said, enlightenment dawning.'

'If I might make so bold,' said Megan, 'that's what we in the trade call a screaming fuck.'

Holmes looked startled but I remembered the tremendous racket that had been set up by Mary the Maid at Mrs. P-'s at the hands, or rather instrument, of Tom the Tool.

'I should have recognised it,' I said ruefully.

'-they looked up,' said Holmes, pressing on testily, 'and let out a great cry of “Peeping Tom!” Before I could either escape or explain myself, I had been roughly laid hold of, bound up in two large damp sheets and fed into the mangle.'

'How terrible!' I said.

All at once there came a spluttering sound. We both turned to see Megan bent over with laughter and pointing to the linen. As a consequence of our assignation in the coal cellar, there were now dozens of large black handprints all over the twisted remains of the sheets.

'They denounced me, using the foulest possible expletives,'

Holmes continued, clearly unamused by the turn of events. 'And then fled.'

'We must catch them,' I said.

'Why?' asked Megan.

'Because they have criminally attacked Mr. Holmes,' I said. 'And the full rigour of the law must be visited upon them.'

'I concur with your sense of outrage,' said Holmes, 'But I have reservations as to your suggested course of action. Not only would they have some semblance of a defence in court but I should have to explain why I had been

apparently spying on their perfectly legal sport. Such publicity would not help me in my endeavours to apprehend the blackmailing swine who is the cause of so much distress to Lady M.'

I could see the logic of his argument. 'But what then do we do?' I asked.

'May I remind you, Scott, that we are actually in the basement of Lady M-'s house. I suggest that we seek her out and find out if there have been any further developments in the affair while I have been unavoidably detained down here.'

'But what if we inadvertently happen upon your assailants?' I asked.

'I do not think we have to fear any further attack,' he said. 'Not only are we now their equal in numbers, but I strongly suspect that the two women will be chiefly concerned to reclaim their clothes and resume their domestic duties. As for the fellow, I would imagine that he has been either hidden away or pushed out into the street again.'

'Unless they hope to complete their fucking,' said Megan.

'That is a rather remote possibility,' said Holmes. 'We do not I think need unduly to concern ourselves with them any longer.'

'So we'd better go and look for Lady M-without further ado,' I said.

'May I remind you that we are both dressed as crossing sweepers,' said Holmes, 'I suggest that if we suddenly appeared before her looking like this, she might well become considerably upset. Also your friend here is not suitably dressed for a lady's drawing room.'

'I knew you wasn't a real crossing sweeper,' said Megan. 'A fancy dress ball is what I suggested if you recall.'

'Very observant of you, my dear,' said Holmes. 'You have the makings of a detective. It may be that I shall enlist your services. I would of course make it worth your while.' He fished out a small purse. 'Sixpence would seem an adequate sum for your services.'

'Make it ninepence and I will throw in a free fuck,' said Megan.

'That won't be necessary,' said Holmes. 'Although Mr. Scott here might well be interested in your offer at some time later on.'

'He's already had his fuck,' she said.

'Which doubtless accounts for the delay in his arrival.' He turned to me. 'Scott, I am not unappreciative of your efforts to stand in for Dr Motson, but you might be more useful to me if you could remember to use your head rather than your balls from time to time.'

'Bit of a prick on wheels, is he?' said Megan brightly.

'Ah, yes, an army expression, is it not,' said Holmes. 'You have experience of the military?'

'The Barrackroom Bint of Blaenau Festiniog, I was known as at home,' she said. 'And then I served the Navy at Portsmouth before coming to London.'

'So you have considerable experience of the foibles and predilections of humanity,' said Holmes. 'A veritable student of society.'

'I can tell the difference between a gentleman and a crossing sweeper,' she said quickly, 'However he may be turned out.'

'We must have a long talk together at some time in the future,' said Holmes. 'There are questions that I should like to put to you. Knowledge,' he said to me, 'must be sought in all quarters, even the most unlikely. But in the meantime, there is a problem to be solved.' He began to pace up and down. Then he patted his shabby pockets. 'Damn!' he said, 'I have mislaid my pipe in the fracas. I know I had it with me. It must be on the floor. You two look for it while I think.'