Chew, chew, chew.
The sea outside is flat as a pancake.
Spit.
And plop.
– So it was a love story, goes John.
– No. She didn’t do love, and nor did I.
But I’m lying of course.
The next morning I was back in my room, staring into space and thinking about Hannah, when the knock came and he stepped in.
– Harvey!
Wesley Pike.
He actually came and sat on the bed. My breakfast lay in crumbs around the small desk. He stirred me up. It was unnerving. He shouldn’t have sat on the bed. It had aroused me. Christ, for a fleeting second I actually wondered if I might be gay.
– Hannah Park has successfully completed her research, he said, shifting his weight. So we won’t be needing you any longer. Your co-operation with this project will be taken into account when you receive your Social Adjustment.
He smiled. Tight and efficient. His handsome face.
– When? My groin really was in turmoil. Down boy, I thought. Talk about inappropriate.
– Tomorrow, he said. After your de-briefing with Hannah Park.
I curled up my toes inside my shoes.
– But that’s…
– In twenty-four hours’ time. It all happens in the building, he said breezily. All the data about your crimes will be fed in to the Liberty Machine, as per standard procedure. Your co-operation and its value will also be vectored and factored. Your Adjustment will appear on screen at twelve tomorrow, in the Social Adjustment Office. The guard will take you. Bye then, Harvey. It’s been a pleasure knowing you. You’ve been of more use to Liberty than you know.
What the fuck did that mean? He grinned and left me standing there, staring in the mirror.
My face looked terrible, like I had died.
Well, if I am going to turn gay, I thought, then prison’s the place for it.
THE HOGG FAMILY DYNAMIC
In the Hogg family dynamic, Harvey Kidd is both ‘father’ and ‘son’ to the group, Hannah wrote. Her hands flew over the keyboard, stabbing sharply as she laid bare the personalities of the people Harvey called his nearest and dearest. It was easy enough to write. She had a lifetime’s experience of keeping a distance. She couched the ten pages in the factual, metaphor-free language the Boss digested quickest:
The mother-figure is the most potent emotional symbol in the portfolio. She is the most sharply defined, as well as being the member Kidd invokes most frequently. The father-figure and the uncle are classic ‘male power-sharers’. Kidd himself confesses to feeling ambivalence about the idea of having a father. This is clearly Oedipal. His solution is to dilute Rick Hogg’s authority by setting him next to an older brother, Uncle Sid – whom Kidd pictures as more of a friend, or ‘alternative’ father. Lola is a straightforward sexual fantasy. However, because she also plays the role of a sister, Kidd feels the discomfort and guilt associated with theoretical incest. The same applies to Gloria, the ‘mother’. Meanwhile Cameron, the ‘brother’, is a source of deep resentment. He provides a constant reminder of the ‘incest factor’ with Lola and Gloria, as well as being a rival for parental affection…
And so on.
When she e-mailed it to Pike, it was a relief to have it behind her. She was confused, exhausted, scared. Nothing felt right. She had never had these feelings before. They tore at her, they hurt. That was it. What was happening felt dangerous, unmanageable. Unplug a blockage, and anything can happen, can’t it.
NOT LOVE
We were sitting on chairs, facing each other across the table. On the walls around us, the portraits of Mum, Dad, Uncle Sid, Lola and Cameron looked down on us. Hannah’s face was pale and her eyes were red, as though she’d been crying. Ever since I’d walked in, it had been strained and horrible, both of us aware that what had happened last time had shifted things into a new gear. But that the timing was all to cock, because it was the end of the road.
– Will you miss me? I asked her.
She looked blank.
– I haven’t thought about it.
With any other woman that might have thrown me, but I knew her better now.
– Think about it, I said, and I waited a moment, while she did.
But the silence went on too long; I was impatient.
– Look, Hannah. This matters to me. Do you – feel anything for me?’
– Like what?
– Like, like. Do you like me?
She looked puzzled. Alarmed, even.
– Yes. I think I like you. I don’t know. I don’t have – emotional feelings – I don’t make the same connections –
I interrupted. – When I held you –
But she was shaking her head. From the stiff way she held her little body – it seemed all disjointed and alien, like she wasn’t at home in it – I guessed all sorts of stuff was bubbling away and she was struggling to keep a lid on it.
– I’m different, she said. I always have been. My psychological make-up – you’ll just have to believe me. There are advantages and disadvantages. Mostly, disadvantages. It means I don’t – I can’t –
– Yes you can, I said. I suddenly felt powerful, sort of evangelical about it. – I can make you feel. I whispered it hoarsely, gazing into her face to try to reach something, willing it to smile. – Can’t I?
It must’ve been a moment of madness because I reached out and took her hand, then squeezed it gently, reinforcing the question. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t squeeze back either, although I longed for it. I hardly dared look at her face. Why was I doing this? I must be mad. Too much time spent on my own in silent rooms. Too much time confusing real people with substitutes. Yes you can, I thought. I can make you.
– Well, I just wanted to say I’m going to miss you.
I stopped. Still didn’t look at her face. I’d suddenly made myself vulnerable. The silence that followed was broken by a strange muffled popping noise. Hannah had her hand deep in her cardigan pocket.
– It’s bubble-wrap, she said flatly. I use it.
More popping.
– Hannah, I feel very strongly about you.
I said it quite formally, because it was important. I was glad, then, to have the pictures of my family around me. I wanted them to be part of this. Witnesses. We’d never kept anything from one another before; there was no need to start now. Hannah’s face had gone back to being blank, and she was still popping the bubble-wrap in her pocket.
– Even more strongly (this was a revelation to me as I said it) – even more strongly than I feel about the Hoggs. Including Lola.
The Hoggs’ expression didn’t alter. They just kept staring down at me. I expected Hannah’s face to register something, though; my own felt all distorted and distended with feeling, like a dried fruit in water – but she just nodded blankly, and the popping carried on.
Maybe it was the impossibility of the whole thing – her, an emotional cripple, me due to leave for ever in ten minutes – the absurdity of the situation. But something had suddenly made me even more determined to have a crack at this. I owed it to myself, was the feeling.
– Come here, Hannah, I said. She stopped popping and stood. Then stepped forward. I was still sitting in my chair.
– Come closer, I said.
Still sitting, I put my arms around her. She stood there rigid as a puppet. I pulled her down towards me then. Gentle, but clumsy. Flesh and blood. The feel of her sparrow body crushed against mine, the table-edge in our way. Another awkward embrace.
Then I blurted – I –