“Hashmat! That’s enough I said!”
“Maybe Abdullah’s a girl too! Maybe you all are!” he laughed.
I would think of lots of clever things to say later, when Hashmat was not around.
Instead of saying any of those things now, I ran. I ran with the washrags still in my hand, my eyes blurring with tears. I wanted to get away from Hashmat, from this boy who knew me as I wished I still were — a boy just as free as him. I hated that he lived here. I knew he would always bring it up. He would always look at me and laugh at the girl who used to be a boy.
By the time I got to my room and slammed the door behind me, I wondered if he would see Abdullah again. I imagined what he might say and felt my heart drop. I didn’t want Abdullah to see me as a girl, as Abdul Khaliq’s wife, as Hashmat’s stepmother.
I dropped my head into my hands and cried.
CHAPTER 26. RAHIMA
It drove me mad to think of Parwin. Months had passed and there was no hint that I would be allowed to see her. I knew where the adjacent compound was and tried to eavesdrop at the wall between the two homes to hear her voice or even someone speaking of her. I couldn’t spend much time out there or Bibi Gulalai would come chasing after me to tend to something that no one else wanted to do. She had taken to using a walking stick these days, a change driven as much by her intensified desire to discipline me as her unsteady step.
I waited a month before making another move. I needed to work up the nerve to try again and to figure out how I could manage to get out of our compound. I set off in the early morning, when I usually went to tend to the laundry. I took the pail and walked across the courtyard as casually as I could. My throat was dry as I scouted the area. A few servants here and there but no one seemed to be paying any attention to me. My husband had left earlier in the morning and wouldn’t be back for hours.
I moved closer and closer to the front gate, my palms sweaty.
Don’t hesitate, I told myself, and opened the gate to walk out. I waited but heard nothing. No one had even noticed.
The compound sat on an open dirt road, one that I hadn’t seen since the day of my wedding. I looked to the right and saw the adjacent compound where Parwin lived. I pulled a burqa from the pail and donned it. I walked quickly and tried their gate but it was locked.
I knocked lightly. This was the time of day that only the servants were in the courtyard and that was what I was counting on. If I could just get one of the servants to open the gate, I could find my way to my sister. I waited a moment but no one answered. I tried again, a little louder this time.
On my third try, beads of sweat trickling down the back of my neck, I heard footsteps and grumbling. I stepped back as I saw the gate open.
“As-salaam-alaikum,” answered an older woman cautiously. From her worn clothing, I guessed she was one of the servants. I tried to see past her and into the compound. She squinted and narrowed the opening behind her. “Forgive me, I haven’t recognized you. Are you here to see someone?”
I cleared my throat and willed my voice not to betray me.
“Wa-alaikum as-salaam. Yes, I am. I am the sister of Khanum Parwin. I’ve come to pay her a visit.”
“Ah, Khanum Parwin! Her sister? Welcome, welcome, but… have you come alone?” she said curiously. She looked behind me, expecting to see a chaperone.
“My mother-in-law, Bibi Gulalai, was supposed to come with me and would be here if it weren’t for her aching back. She had to rest. But she told me to go on without her,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Is my sister around? I just want to see her for a few minutes.”
The woman looked confused. Indeed it was strange for one of Abdul Khaliq’s wives to show up at the front gate unaccompanied, but then who would imagine that a young girl would lie about such a thing? She opted not to give me, Abdul Khaliq’s wife, a hard time and pulled the gate open to let me through.
“I think she’s still in her room. I’ll show you the way,” she said.
The compound was much smaller than Abdul Khaliq’s but set up in a similar way. My eyes looked for Parwin. I couldn’t believe I’d made it this far! We walked past a few children, no more than six or seven years old. They glanced at me, too preoccupied with their own games to bother with the stranger in the burqa.
“Who is this with you, Rabia-jan?” I stopped, as did my guide, whose name was apparently Rabia.
“Good morning, Khanum Lailuma. This is Khanum Parwin’s sister. She’s come from next door to pay a visit.”
“By herself? You are Abdul Khaliq’s bride?” Lailuma said, her brows furrowed together with displeasure.
“Yes,” I said. I reminded myself to look confident.
“Does anyone know you’re here?”
“Of course!” I said. “As I told Rabia-jan, Bibi Gulalai was going to accompany me but she was having backaches. I just wanted to pay my sister a short visit. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her.”
“Well, that’s… I just don’t think…”
“I’m so glad to meet you! I’ve heard much about the family next door to our compound but I haven’t had the chance to meet anyone. Were those your children I saw just now in the courtyard? So adorable, God bless them!”
Lailuma was disarmed by my flattery, which to me sounded much more like something Shahla would say than anything I would have come up with.
“They are, yes, thank you. It’s a shame we haven’t met. Well, then go on but don’t be long because your sister has responsibilities to tend to.”
“Of course! I don’t want to keep her,” I said as sweetly as I could.
Rabia sighed and hurried me along, not wanting to be pulled away from her other duties any longer. We went down a short hallway and as soon as we turned the corner I saw her.
Parwin’s back was to us but I could see her limping, a pail of water in one hand. The water sloshed with her wide gait, a trail of splashed water behind her.
“Parwin!” I called out, running to her. My sister turned around, her face puzzled. She dropped the pail on the floor and I could see the servant shaking her head at Parwin’s clumsiness.
“Rahima? Rahima! What are you doing here?” she said, her eyes tearing up as I threw my arms around her thin frame.
“I came to visit you! I missed you so much, Parwin!” I turned around and saw Rabia was already shuffling down the hallway. “Let’s go somewhere! I want to talk to you before I have to go back.”
Parwin nodded and led me to her room, a small rectangular space without windows. It was even smaller than where I slept. We closed the door behind us and Parwin fell back onto her mattress with a sigh. She looked exhausted.
“Parwin, I’ve wanted to see you for so long but they wouldn’t let me come! All they want me to do over there is work and work and I’m so tired of it! I scrub the floors and do the laundry and…” My voice tapered as I realized my sister’s life was probably no different from mine. I was being selfish to complain to her.
“I know, Rahima. It’s terrible here too,” she whispered. “I pray every day that something will happen and I’ll be able to go back home. I miss Madar-jan, Shahla and the girls! I even miss Padar-jan!”
I wanted to disagree with her but oddly, I missed our father too, even though I blamed him for putting us all through this.
“What is it like for you there, Rahima? They let you come here today?”