Of course, my life was not composed of these long speculations, but of sub-themes, common questions and answers. One day new information about Julius came into my hands. As I stood on a chair to fetch a pair of bedsheets down from the high shelf of a cupboard, a folded blanket and an old jacket belonging to him came slipping down on top of me. I clutched at the edge of the shelf to steady myself and had under my fingers someone’s diary. Still standing on the chair, I let the diary fall open. I read how Julius and an unknown girl — the writer of the diary — had pushed the girl’s bed close to a window one sunny winter afternoon. “No one could see us,” the girl felt obliged to note, as if she were writing for some other person. A bombed wall outlined in snow was their only neighbour. The sky was winter blue.
Now I am free was my first thought, but what did I mean? I wanted to live with Julius, not without him. I did not know what I meant.
I remembered the new, beautiful house he had promised, with the clock from Holland, the wallpaper from France, the swimming-pool tiles from Italy. I sat down and read the diary through.
On the girl’s birthday Julius took her to a restaurant, but friends “connected with him professionally” came in. After twisting and turning and trying to hide his face, Julius sent her to the ladies’ room with instructions to wait there for five minutes and then go home without stopping to speak to him. “What a bad ending for an evening that began with such promise,” the diarist remarked. Did she live in Cologne? “Two nights,” she recorded, or “one afternoon,” or “one and one-half hours,” followed by “did everything,” then “everything,” then finally just the initial of the word, as if she herself were no longer surprised or enchanted. One dull lonely weekend when she had not seen Julius for days, she wrote, “The sun is shining on all the rooftops and filling every heart with gladness while I Over the rooftops the sun shines but I My heart is sad though the sun is filling every heart …”
“Helga, are you all right?”
Here was Bibi breaking in — anxious, good, and extremely comic. Her accent would have made even tragedy seem hilarious, I thought then. I began to laugh, and blurted out, “Julius has always had other women, but now he leaves their belongings where I can find them.” Bibi’s look of shock was on my behalf. “… always had women,” I repeated. “I said I didn’t mind.” The truth was that each time had nearly killed me. Also, the girls were poor things, sometimes barely literate. Looking down at the diary on my lap I thought, Well, at least this one can spell, and I am his wife, and he treats me with consideration, and he has promised me a house.
“Oh, Helga,” Bibi cried, kneeling and clutching my hands, “you have always been kind to me.” She muttered something else. I made her repeat it. “I don’t understand; I don’t keep that sort of a diary” was what Bibi had said.
So in the same hour I found out about Bibi and Julius too. Here was my situation: I was pregnant, and I should not have been standing on a chair to begin with. I was ill. I had such violent spasms sometimes that Julius would ask if I was trying to vomit the baby. I had absolutely no one but Julius, and nowhere to go. Moreover, as I have said, I did not want to live without him. As for Bibi, when I was feeling at my most wretched she was the only person the smell of whose skin and hair did not turn my stomach. I could not stand the scent of soap, or cologne, or food cooking, or milk, or smoke, or other people. Bibi looked after me. Once she said shyly, “I know, I know that mixture of hunger and nausea, when all you long for is good white bread.” I remember sweating and trembling and thinking that it was she, it was Bibi, who was the good white bread. I never hated Bibi. I may have pitied her. I knew a little about Julius and I had a fear of explosions. I could have said to Julius, “I know about Bibi and you.” What next? Bibi then departs and Julius and I are alone. He knows I know, which means we live in ruins and ashes forever. All I could feel was Bibi’s utter misery; I saw her stricken face, her rough hands, and then I began to cry too, and we two — we two grown-up war orphans — dried each other’s tears. I am quite certain Bibi never knew I had understood.
It was Bibi who saw me into the clinic where Roma was born. Julius was in Belgium. I asked Bibi to send him a telegram concerning the baby’s name. “I want Roma because that was where she was conceived,” I told her. “Don’t put conceived in the telegram. Julius will understand.”
She nodded and said something in her ridiculous accent and went out the door. In a sense I never saw her again; I mean that this was the last I saw of a certain young, good-hearted Bibi. Julius came back before receiving the telegram; perhaps she hadn’t sent it. It was two days before I remembered to ask about Bibi, and another before she was found. She had taken gardénal. She was alive, but she had been in a long, untended coma. The flesh on her legs had begun to alter, and she had to stay for a long time in the hospital — the hospital where Roma was born — after her skin-graft operations. That was why she wore thick stockings forever after, even in summer.
No one told me, at first. Julius made up a story. He said Bibi had met a young engineer and had run away with him. It sounded unlike her, but it was also unlike him to be so inventive, so I thought it must be true. I sat up against a starched pillowcase Bibi had brought me from home, and I invited Julius to admire Roma’s hands and feet. He said that Bibi’s lover was named Wolfgang, and we laughed and thought of Bibi on her wedding night saying, “Wolfgang, you swine!”
All Bibi was ever able to explain to me later was that somewhere between my room and the front door of the hospital she had asked God to strike her with lightning. She stood still and counted up to ten; ten seconds was the limit she gave Him to prove He could hear. Nothing happened. She saw a rubbery begonia on a windowsill; an aide pushing along a trolley of tea mugs; a father and two children waiting on a bench with the patience of the ignorant. She could not recall whether or not she had ever sent the telegram. She next remembered being at home, in the room Julius had insisted would be in keeping with her new position, and that there she had taken gardénal. The gardénal was in the form of large flat tablets, like salt pills. She said she had “always” had them, even in her refugee camp. For someone who had access to every sort of modern poison at Possner, she had chosen an old-fashioned, feminine way of death. She broke up the tablets patiently, one after the other, sitting on the edge of her bed. She was obliged to swallow so much water that she began to be sick on it, and finally she heated a little milk on the gas ring. The milk probably saved her.
She had imagined dying would be like a slow anesthetic; she thought death could be inhaled, like fresh air. But it was a black cloak being blown down on one, she told me — like a cape slipping off a hook and falling in soft folds over your hands and face.