What would happen if they actually caught him? Such a mountain of absurdities would come spilling down into this complacent world of ours that everyone would be talking about it … The Earl would be required to give evidence, as would Osborne, and perhaps even myself. Maloney’s death would come into question … The Earl would never survive the scandal. The thought of such things bandied about in the London papers to entertain the man on the Clapham omnibus … We went back for lunch, without having discovered anything of the slightest interest.
Waking from my post-prandial nap, I went for a stroll in the park, where I bumped into Lene. She was in high spirits, and devouring enormous peaches from a basket she had found on one of the garden tables. Briefly suspending the refuelling process, she took me by the arm and led me further into the park.
We sat down beside a little stream. The spot was enchanting.
“It’s so lovely,” she said. “It really fits my mood today. I’m so happy here.”
“I haven’t heard you say that very often. You mean, you actually like it here?”
“Very much. Such nice, uncomplicated people. The Earl is quite batty, but he has a beautiful head. The girl is very pretty, and very sweet, though she’s horribly conventional. I’m surprised she doesn’t bore you. But that’s not the point — you know I never poke my nose into your affairs. But I feel really good about myself. It finally happened.”
“What did?”
“Why do you think I came to Llanvygan?”
“To save the Earl’s life?”
“That too. But only by the way. I mean, why should I bother about the Earl of Gwynedd or any other old aristocrat? They aren’t my sort.”
“You’re telling me you came because of Osborne.”
“You see, you aren’t so dumb after all. And I can tell you, as my old friend and ally, that my trip here has not been in vain. Last night … ”
“Oh, Lene, congratulations. Compared with Osborne, an innocent theologian of forty-five is a sex-crazed Italian from the deep South.”
“Not bad, hey?”
“Fantastic! But confess: Osborne only surrendered under extreme duress. You must have threatened him with a revolver.”
“I didn’t go that far, but it certainly wasn’t easy. If you’re interested in the details, I’ll tell you. You know how reserved Osborne was with me, until yesterday. Or, not exactly reserved: he just treated me in the same very polite way he did his male friends. If I were as easily offended as my mother’s generation were, I’d have been cut to the quick. But thank God I’m not one of your supersensitive females. In fact I was rather glad he treated me as a man. I knew that the mere fact that he didn’t find me repulsive was no small achievement.
“All the same, when I took his hand he blushed scarlet and started to lecture me on the dramatic works of Shakespeare’s contemporaries. I thought: just you wait, I’ll get you in the end. I’d worked out over time that women’s wiles cut no ice with him. In his innocence he just didn’t notice. That time in London, when we were dressing up in funny costume, it was a waste of time parading myself before him in my flimsy underwear. Whenever I started to undress he was desperate to get away. But when I told him it didn’t bother me, he just lit a cigarette and stayed put. After that, he found it quite natural to see me naked. But I could see from his face that there was nothing in the way of manly desire stirring in him. As far as I was concerned, his innocence was all the more provocative.
“It went against the grain, but I even tried sentimentality. I said all the usual things: how lonely I was, how sad my evenings, how no one had truly loved me, and oh, how heavy my heart was. He listened, very sympathetically, and promised me that when we got back to Oxford he’d introduce me to some really top people — he thinks everyone else is as great a snob as he is — but until then I should make a study of the contemporary English novel, since a good book was the best friend one could have.
“And that’s how I came to Llanvygan. I was really ashamed of myself. In the time it had taken I could have become the mistress of a French king and enjoyed limitless power, or seduced a couple of ambassadors. Last night, when I managed to get him out here in the park, my hopes were really high. You know how the English love nature …
“I suggested we sit on the grass, but he was afraid it might be damp, so we found a bench. I leant my head on his shoulder and started kissing his ear. He sat there in total silence, very polite. When I got bored with that, he told me with a smile that it was no doubt a German custom, and probably very ancient. I said I didn’t know about that, but anyway it was a nice one. ‘Interesting,’ he said, in a contemplative sort of way. I asked him if he’d like to kiss me. ‘Oh, yes, he would,’ he said, again very politely, and gave me a peck on the forehead. ‘If I were a man,’ I told him, ‘I’d rather kiss someone on the lips.’ He thought that would be unhygienic. Then he asked me if I’d rather be a man. ‘What about you?’ I retorted.
“That rather shook him, but I could see this wasn’t getting us anywhere. Then I had a stroke of genius. I said I wanted to climb a tree, and would he help me? I clambered up on to a branch, with his support. Then I swung out, gave a loud scream, and fell on top of him. Now if I fall on anyone, with my build …
“We both ended up on the ground. So that was how I got to the point where kissing was possible — at the cost of a few bruises. My ribs were aching, but the goal was in sight.
“Needless to say, even in that position Osborne remained the perfect gentleman. There was no point in leaving him to take the initiative. Half an hour later we untangled ourselves and I asked him if he’d enjoyed it; he said he had, quite definitely, and he sounded reasonably sincere. He said he was pleased to have had one of life’s richer practical experiences. And — would you believe this? — that he’d had his first lover.
“That made me really angry and I told him the English were a bunch of well-bred idiots if they thought that after a bit of nonsense like that they could call you their lover. So he lapsed into day-dream again and said he was sorry. Then he started to get up. I grabbed hold of his jacket, following biblical precedent, and told him he needn’t worry: if he asked me very nicely he really could be my lover, and he’d get even more hands-on experience. He knew what I meant. But he just sat there, and went on thinking.
“Finally I snapped at him and asked what he was waiting for. He said he was trying to remember what one was supposed to say on such occasions. I assured him that actions spoke louder than words. ‘That’s good,’ he said, ‘because I couldn’t think of any words.’ And still he just sat there. ‘So let’s see some action,’ I said. ‘Try to be a bit more passionate.’ So he grabbed me and shook me. I won’t go into any more detail, because I can see from the expression on your face that you would have done rather better in his position, and I don’t really fancy you just now. I’m having a monogamous day today, for the first time in my life. I shall be true to Osborne.”
“Well,” I said, “am I free to imagine the rest?”
“As you wish. The scene of what followed wasn’t the park but my room. It went on the whole night. Because you see … Osborne wasn’t a disappointment. And he got his satisfaction too. He said he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much in ages. Oh, and he hoped we’d tie the marriage knot soon.”
I was horrified. Such a misalliance! My snobbish heart wept blood. The poor Earl … This was all the Pendragon destiny needed. It would be the end of everything.
“My congratulations,” I muttered, with tears in my voice.