"Not anymore," Dewey said.
"Beatrice stole it from me!" Esme cried.
"There are worse things," Dewey said, "than theft."
At this, the girlfriend gave the sub-sublibrarian a chuckle that made the Baudelaires' blood run cold. "There certainly are," she said, and strode toward Carmelita Spats. With one spiky fingernail-the one shaped like an M- she moved the harpoon gun so it was pointing at the triplet. "Tell me how to open that door," she said, "or this little girl will harpoon you."
"I'm not a little girl!" Carmelita remindedEsme nastily. "I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate! And I'm not going to shoot any more harpoons until Countie teaches me how to spit."
"You'll do what we say, Carmelita," Olaf growled. "I already purchased that ridiculous outfit for you, and that boat for you to prowl the swimming pool. Point that weapon at Dewey this instant!"
"Teach me to spit!" Carmelita said.
"Point the weapon!"
"Teach me to spit!"
"Point the weapon!"
"Teach me to spit!"
"Weapon!"
"Spit!"
"Weapon!"
"Spit!"
With a raspy roar, Count Olaf roughly yanked the harpoon gun out of Carmelita's hands, knocking her to the floor. "I'll never teach you how to spit as long as I live!" he shouted. "Ha!"
"Darling!" Esme gasped. "You can't break your promise to our darling little girl!"
"I'm not a darling little girl!" Carmelita screamed. "I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!"
"You're a spoiled baby!" Olaf corrected. "I never wanted a brat like you around anyway! It's about time you were shown some discipline!"
"But discipline is out!" Esme said.
"I don't care what's out and what's in!" Count Olaf cried. "I'm tired of having a girlfriend obsessed with fashion! All you do is sit around rooftop sunbathing salons while I run around doing all the work!"
"If I hadn't been on the roof," Esme retorted, "the sugar bowl would have been delivered to V.F.D.! Besides, I was guarding-"
"Never mind what you were doing," Olaf said. "You're fired!"
"You can't fire me!" Esme growled. "I quit!"
"Well, you can leave by mutual agreement," Olaf grumbled, and then, with another succinct
"Ha!" he lifted the harpoon gun and pointed it at Dewey Denouement. "Tell us the three phrases we need to type into the lock in order to open the Vernacularly Fastened Door and search the laundry room!"
"You won't find anything in the laundry room," Dewey said, "except piles of dirty sheets, a few washing and drying machines, and some extremely flammable chemicals."
"I may have a handsome, youthful glow," Olaf snarled, "but I wasn't born yesterday! Ha! If there's nothing in the laundry room, why did you put a V.F.D. lock on the door?"
"Perhaps it's just a decoy," Dewey said, his hand still trembling in Violet's.
"Decoy?" Olaf said.
"'Decoy' is a word with several meanings," the triplet explained. "It can refer to a corner of a pond where ducks can be captured, or to an imitation of a duck or other animal used to attract a real specimen. Or, it can mean something used to distract people, such as a lock on a door that does not contain a certain sugar bowl."
"If the lock is a decoy, sub-sub," Count Olaf sneered, "then you won't mind telling me how to open it."
"Very well," Dewey said, still struggling to sound calm. "The first phrase is a description of a medical condition that all three Baudelaire children share."
The Baudelaires shared a smile.
"The second phrase is the weapon that left you an orphan, Olaf," Dewey said.
The Baudelaires shared a frown.
"And the third," Dewey said, "is the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright."
The Baudelaire sisters shared a look of confusion, and then looked hopefully at Klaus, who slowly shook his head.
"I don't have time to medically examine the Baudelaires," Olaf said, "or shove my face into any best-known novels!"
"Wicked people never have time for reading," Dewey said. "It's one of the reasons for their wickedness."
"I've had enough of your games!" Count Olaf roared. "Ha! If I don't hear the exact phrases used to open the lock by the time Esme counts to ten, I'll fire the harpoon gun and tear you to shreds! Esme, count to ten!"
"I'm not counting to ten," Esme pouted. "I'm not going to do anything for you ever again!"
"I knew it!" Jerome said. "I knew you could be a noble person again, Esme! You don't have to parade around in an indecent bikini in the middle of the night threatening sub-sub-librarians! You can stand with us, in the name of justice."
"Let's not go overboard," Esme said. "Just because I'm dumping my boyfriend doesn't mean I'm going to be a goody-goody like you. Justice is out. Injustice is in. That's why it's called injustice."
"You should do what's right in this world," Justice Strauss said, "not just what's fashionable. I understand your situation, Esme. When I was your age, I spent years as a horse thief before realizing-"
"I don't want to hear your boring stories," Count Olaf snarled. "The only thing I want to hear are three exact phrases from Dewey's mouth, or his destiny will be death by harpoon, as soon as I say the number ten. One!"
"Stop!" Justice Strauss cried. "In the name of the law!"
"Two!"
"Stop!" Jerome Squalor pleaded. "In the name of injustice!"
uThree!n
"Stop!" Violet ordered, and her siblings nodded in fierce agreement. The Baudelaires realized, as I'm sure you have realized, that the adults standing with them were going to do nothing that would stop Count Olaf from reaching ten and pulling the trigger of the harpoon gun, and that Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor would fail them, as so many noble people had failed them before. But the siblings also knew that this failure would not hurt them-at least, not right away. It would hurt Dewey Denouement, and without another word the three children dropped the hands of the adults and stood in front of the sub-sub-librarian, shielding him from harm.
"You can't harpoon this man," Klaus said to Count Olaf, scarcely believing what he was saying. "You'll have to harpoon us first."
"Or," Sunny said, "put down gun."
Dewey Denoument looked too amazed to speak, but Count Olaf merely turned his disdainful gaze from the sub-sub-librarian to the three children. "I wouldn't mind harpooning you either, orphans," he said, his eyes shining bright. "When it comes to slaughtering people, I'm very flexible! Ha! Four!'"
Violet took a step toward the count, who was holding the harpoon gun so it pointed at her chest. "Lay down your weapon, Olaf," the eldest Baudelaire said. "You don't want to do this wicked thing."
Count Olaf blinked, but did not move the gun. "Of course I do," he said. "If the sub-sub doesn't tell me how to get the sugar bowl, I'll pull the trigger no matter who's standing in front of me! Ha! Five!"
Klaus took a step forward, joining his sister. "You have a choice," he said. "You can choose not to pull that trigger!"