"It took me an hour to clean the room. I left the house around one in the morning, before she came back home with her guest. I stayed in this teahouse and waited for her to call me. A little after two o'clock, she called and commanded me not to go home until noon. I begged her, but she said I made her lose face so I had to be punished."
"How did you make her lose face?" I ask. "You weren't even there!"
"I forgot to hide my underwear hanging outside on the balcony."
"Uh…" CC and I manage not to laugh out loud.
The man continues. "Yesterday before going to work, I had washed some underwear and left it hanging on the balcony. I didn't think it was a big deal, but she said it made her look very bad. The Englishman went to the balcony straightaway after he came in. He never lived as high as the twenty-fourth floor. He loved the view. Then he saw a string of underwear. My wife said that foreigners don't hang their underwear outside as if it was an art exhibition. So she felt quite awkward. Then, the man spotted the man's briefs on the line. He asked my wife whose underwear it was. She told him the truth. The man laughed. He pointed at the hole in the underwear and told my wife that she had better buy me a few new pairs of undershorts. After saying that, he left, shaking his head while muttering something in English that my wife didn't understand. My wife felt humiliated. She said that it was my fault, so I had to be punished. The door would remain locked. Sleep somewhere else, she said."
"Does your wife work for the Portman?" CC asks.
"Yes, how did you know?" The man is shocked.
"If I'm not wrong, her name is Nancy," CC says.
"Yes. But who are you?" The Shanghai man looks at CC nervously.
"If you are a wronged man, then I'm the wronged woman."
JIACHOU BUKE WAIYANG: Ugly or embarrassing domestic issues shouldn't be told to outsiders. Although most personal issues such as income are open topics for discussion, this one usually is not.
31 Internet Date No. 1
After Lulu ended her five-year-long relationship with her cheating boyfriend Ximu, her friend Mary, an editor for Family, the most popular women's magazine in China, suggested that she try checking the Internet personal ads.
At first, Lulu was skeptical. She called me and told me about Mary's idea. "A sex goddess in the fashion world, why do I need to resort to personal ads? Aren't they for the desperate and dateless?"
Then she called me again. "Mary said I've got it all wrong. I'll find men of quality there. They are tech-savvy and private. They're just too busy to be social…" She edited two Internet dating stories: in one, a Karaoke girl in Shenzhen got to know a married Hong Kong movie star via the Internet and they fell in love. The man divorced his wife and married the girl. Now they live happily in Hong Kong and the man is helping the girl to become the next Zhang Ziyi.
"And there was this Sichuan girl who met an American in a chat room. Then the man came to China on a business trip and went to see her and fell in love. A year later, they got married and she moved to the United States. Only when she got there did the lucky girl realize that she had married a multimillionaire and the grandson of a former governor. She sent pictures and letters to her friends from America."
"I've heard the new Polish president candidate is married to a Chinese lady he met online. I believe these stories. Try it." I said.
Fast-forward six weeks.
At Al-Muhan, a Muslim restaurant opposite the Australian embassy in Beijing, Lulu speaks to Beibei and me in a sullen voice.
"Fairy tales come from Europe. Europe is the birthplace of knights and damsels in distress. Do you know what China is capable of producing? Tragedy. Human tragedies and liars." Even for Lulu this is an especially dark thing to say.
"Hey, do you know that you sound very fandong, reactionary? Do you know that you'd have been thrown into jail during the Cultural Revolution for saying things like that. You're lucky to live in this era of reform!" I tease Lulu while eating a lamb shish kebab. Lulu must have had troubles with men again.
"I'd rather be in jail than be played like a fool!" Lulu says through clenched teeth.
Beibei has been winking at a young handsome Uighur waiter until Lulu's angry voice pulls her back to the conversation, "So what was the story with your men?"
"My Internet dating experience was a complete disaster! I don't know why I keep bumping into married men who pretend to be single!" Lulu cries.
"Do you know that MBAs are popular nowadays?" I ask Lulu.
"What do you mean?" Lulu is confused.
"MBA – Married But Available," I say.
"Ha-ha!" Lulu laughs bitterly. "I've met two of these fucking MBAs over the Internet. They both claimed they're single in their ads. The first man was a returnee who divided his time between London and Beijing. He owned a graphic design company. He was into the arts and, you know me, I'm a big fan of artists," Lulu says, as she rolls her eyes. "We talked about cubism, dadaism, fauvism, and impressionism in our e-mails. Like me, his favorite painter was also Matisse. So I decided to meet him.
"The first three dates, we met in different galleries: first, Yan Huang Art Museum at the Asian Games Village, the second time at the Melodic Gallery near the Friendship Store, and the third time, we had a rendezvous in an art gallery in Hong Kong's Mid-Levels. I attended a fashion show in Hong Kong that day. Around dinnertime, I found myself at the Yan Gallery in Lan Kwai Fong. Guess who showed up in that small gallery?"
"He must have been stalking you!" Beibei cuts in.
"He said it was fate that we ran into each other in another city because we had yuanfen, affinity. We looked around the gallery together and he talked about classic realism with me. Then we went to Cubana in Soho for dinner, where he told me he was in love with me.
"So you slept with him that night!" says Beibei, flashing the I-know-you expression.
"Well, yes, in my hotel room in the Renaissance Harbor View in Wanchai." Lulu bows her head.
"Was it good?" I ask.
"With the hills, the harbor, and the views, Hong Kong is a city of romance. While we were looking out of the window at Victoria Harbor, we were very passionate." Lulu lowers her voice, "Violently passionate."
"Not too bad so far. At least you had an orgasm – or two." Beibei says hopefully.
Lulu continues. "After we returned to Beijing, he sent me a note telling me how special that night in Hong Kong was to him, and how much he wants to see me again. But he had to attend a conference in London the next day and would be back in ten days!"
"And you believed him? Just like you believed Ximu?" Beibei asks, raising her eyebrow.
Lulu rolls her eyes. "Call me an idiot, but I thought I was happily in love again." She licks her lower lip. "I even enjoyed the bittersweet feeling of missing him. On the third day after he left for London, I went to the San Wei Bookstore to find something to read.
"In the bookstore, I saw him, with a woman and a child waiting in line to buy the new Harry Potter. I overheard the woman calling him laogong and the boy calling him Daddy. I thought of the messages he sent to me through Yahoo Instant Messenger about London 's weather and the prestigious conference. I walked right up to him – boy, was he flustered. His handsome face became so ugly. Before he could stammer anything out, I said, 'I suppose we do have yuanfen, as you said. Once again we share an unexpected rendezvous.' I turned on my heels and left him to explain himself."
FANDONG: Reactionary.
YUANFEN: The fate that brings people together.
LAOGONG: "Hubby."