"Did he say what that other girl was like?"
"He said she was sweet and innocent, just like Wenwen."
"What else did he say about her?"
"He didn't say anything else."
"Why is he still unhappy? Is his work not successful?"
"He is an outstanding ophthalmologist."
"Then why?"
"Perhaps he's just always been that kind of person."
"Perhaps Len still loved you, Mimi. He's unhappy because he still thinks of you."
"I didn't want it that way."
"But you know it in your heart. Giving way to Wenwen was your crime against him. You destroyed him! You destroyed Len. Never in his life could he attain you. Of course he is unhappy," I say, losing my gentleness.
"I used to think I was right. For the sake of my sister's happiness, I sacrificed my own love. But I was wrong. It was too simple. I wasn't a god, but I insisted on playing the part of a god." A tear trickles down Mimi's cheek. It is the first time I have seen Mimi cry. Mimi, this woman who has inner strength and self-confidence – crying. When she cries, it is so touching. She seems so frail. Such a perfect combination of inner strength and delicateness. What man could not be charmed by a woman like this?
"Tell me, do you still love Len?" I ask.
Mimi raises her head, closes her tearful eyes, and says, "The only man I love is my husband, Lee."
There was something ruthless about her curt finality. In an instant, Lee – elegant, tolerant, and healthy – has made Len's painful and melancholy love appear insignificant.
"If it weren't for Wenwen, if you had the freedom to chose, would you have chosen Len?"
Mimi tilts her head and thinks. "Probably not."
"But why? You loved him."
"Yes. Very deeply."
"But in spite of that, you would not have chosen to be with him?"
"He is a character from a story. But we live in the real world, not in a story."
"I don't understand."
"Some emotions last only for a moment, and some emotions can last forever."
"Do you mean that the feelings between you lasted only for a moment and not forever?"
"I don't know precisely how to explain this kind of emotion."
"You know. Someone as clever as you – of course you know how to explain it. You know the answer." I suddenly become angry with Mimi. Why did Len love this woman, care for this woman, when she didn't care?
"What answer?" Mimi sounds confused.
"I know what you really thought. You and Len had a moment of passion, you were turned on, and then you didn't want him. For you, he wasn't a good choice for a husband. He was too depressed, too crazy. You took advantage of the excuse to leave him to Wenwen. You wanted both an instant of passion and everlasting love. You really are a businesswoman. You will never come off second best. When you dumped Len, did you ever think about how he might feel?" I say, passionately making accusations at her.
Mimi looks at me, then lowers her head. "Niuniu, you can think whatever you want, I'm not going to stop you. But it's not at all the way you think it is."
"But don't you feel bad for Len? You have found happiness, but he is still unhappy. Because of you, he will never be happy for the rest of his life." I think of Len's sighs and heartache. How could I have expected that it was all for this mysterious Mimi.
"People can only destroy themselves, and people can only save themselves. Other people's strength is always limited. I hope Len can find his own happiness."
"Mimi, I have to go. Sorry for being so hysterical all of a sudden. It's probably P.M.S." I decide to leave and get up to hug Mimi. As we embrace, I can feel her pregnant stomach press against me. For a moment my anger and confusion subside and I am filled with a feeling of serenity. She told me before that she was expecting a baby.
"Take care of yourself and the baby!" I say to Mimi.
101 In Search of My Own Story
As I walk down the street, I think of Mimi. I like her so much. Why is it she? Why is she the one true love of Len's life? Everyone has secrets, sweet secrets and deadly secrets. There are reasons why some of them cannot be told. And this secret about Len, it seems, I should never have heard.
What makes me feel saddest is that, with this love and that love swirling around him, what did I mean to Len?
His world is so complicated. Is there a corner in it for me? Len, a man with such soul-stirring love. In his life, I was insignificant. But I have rewritten my life for him.
I remember the first time I went to Len's office to have my eyes tested. He was so gentle and delicate, a doctor who really cared for his patients. I remember his wild look as we made love. I remember him holding my hand as we strolled along the Seine. How could this not be real love?
From Mimi's office at the World Trade Center, I walk west along the Avenue of Heavenly Peace, past the Nikko Hotel, the Jianguo Hotel, and the Silk Market. When I reach the Diplomatic Apartments, I stop a middle-aged man getting off the number 9 bus and ask him for a cigarette.
I don't smoke and didn't feel like it when Len left me, telling me that he didn't need love. But now, I suddenly, desperately, need something bitter in my mouth. At least the bitter flavor of tobacco could give me a kind of comfort. The cheap cigarette makes me start coughing violently. In the midst of a violent cough, I take a kind of delight in my self-abuse.
Jianguomen Wai. Such a familiar place. My office is right ahead, that yellow-brick building, a symbol of China 's 1970s modernization. There are so many new glassy buildings towering over it. I awkwardly puff on the cheap cigarette and walk through the crowds waiting for buses, selling newspapers, and begging.
I am a girl who collects stories.
A girl who lives on reminiscences.
The wind begins to blow.
It begins to rain.
One of Beijing 's unforgiving thunderstorms.
I stand in the rain thinking about my past in the States, and all of the experiences of love, lust, and hatred that I have seen in this world. After such a long period of mourning for what I lost by loving Len, can I put an end to this? I decide to resign from my job. I don't want to run away from where I failed. I should go back to the United States and face my fears. Some things cannot be avoided, and only through confrontation can they be resolved.
It is time for me to learn to love again, to be intimate again. When I first came back to China I used to think that real love was hopeless and I would be alone forever. But looking at my life in America through my new Chinese lenses has shown me otherwise. It is time for me to take a chance with my life again. Going back for a visit to the States was one of the best things I could have done for myself. The answers to the rest of my life lie somewhere in America. I still have unfinished business there. Even if I face defeat, I still have to go. Even if I have to search to the ends of the earth, I will never give up.
Every great story should have its share of risk. It is time to find my own story.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank my former editor at the South China Morning Post, Susan Sams, who decided to publish my unconventional column "People's Republic of Desire" on page one of the "Life and City" section of the paper – which ran two years and ten months, and turned out to be more successful than we'd all expected. During the running period of the column, I received letters from readers of all nationalities, age groups, and professions. It amazed me that a Hong Kong – based paper could actually reach out to so many people around the globe. Thank you, Charlotte Harper, for showing the column samples to Susan Sams.
My gratitude also goes to four diehard supporters of this book: my best friend, Antony Dapiran, an international lawyer whose Chinese is perfect, who gave me so much help in the early stages from language, translation, to reading my contract pro bono. Without his friendship and encouragement, this book would have been impossible. Michael Davis, who started as a reader of my column in Manhattan, but has become a good friend, who wrote me feedback on almost every column and continued our conversation on the characters of this book face-to-face in New York, Fredericksburg, San Francisco, Hong Kong, and Shanghai. Also, Michael Rice and Ben Paul, both of you are wonderful! Gracias!