That was the plan, anyway.
When you’re five or maybe six years old and you pick up a rock, and a reptile head pokes out at you, hissing like a snake and gnashing teeth strong enough to sever bone and tendon . . .
The power wielded by that snapping turtle was somehow simultaneously terrible and wonderful.
I thought it was some kind of monster.
In a way, it was. The most frightening monsters of childhood imagination lurk in places you’d never expect: beneath the bed, behind the door, inside the closet . . .
It was an important lesson learned, early on: monsters really can cross the threshold of your safe haven and jump out at you when you least expect it, so you’d better keep your guard up and develop some coping mechanisms.
I was lucky that day.
Lucky I didn’t lose a finger . . .
Lucky for a lot of reasons.
Turtles, as it turned out, are viewed in many cultures as harbingers of good fortune.
The incident spurred a lifelong fascination with the fabled creatures, which led, eventually, to Terrapin Times.
That was the name of the first blog, the one launched years ago, before many people even knew what a blog was.
Terrapin Terry was the perfect screen name to use for that one. Terry—or T2, as online followers like to say—is an expert on all things turtle-related, comfortably ensconced in a world populated by people who are equally fascinated by the creatures, some to the point of being addicts.
It was positively intoxicating to find so many kindred spirits. But the best was yet to come.
Other blogs.
Other screen names.
Other identities, really, if one chooses to look at it that way. Each a fully formed character with a separate circle of friends.
Online, you can be anyone you want to be.
I have been so many different people . . .
Eventually, it became too exhausting, too complicated, to keep up with them all. Now, the only blogs that are still active are the turtle one and the breast cancer one . . .
And never the twain shall meet.
It’s safe to imagine that the circle of breast cancer bloggers have never heard of Terrapin Terry, and that the turtle fans have never heard of—
Then again, you never know.
Maybe somewhere out there a fellow cancer blogger is following the turtle blog, posting comments under another screen name, with no idea that Terrapin Terry is really—
Probably not. But anything is possible on the Internet. That’s the beauty of it.
The beauty . . . and the danger.
I Get By with a Little Help . . .
After I was diagnosed, my oncologist’s nurse told me that it wasn’t a good idea to keep my feelings bottled up inside. She said it might help to talk to others who were going through the same thing, and that she could put me in touch with a local network through the cancer center.
I said thanks, but no thanks. I was sure I’d be just fine dealing with it on my own.
But I wasn’t. As my treatment progressed—surgery, radiation, medication, reconstruction—I felt more and more isolated.
My family was there for me, of course. They were willing to listen, and I tried, in the beginning, to express my fears and frustrations. But I couldn’t bear seeing uncertainty and dread reflected back at me on their faces.
My father was still alive then. I’m an only child, and I was always Daddy’s girl. Now he was so worried about me that I usually wound up trying to reassure him instead of the other way around. The same was true with my mother, and with my husband. It was hard enough to be strong enough for myself, let alone for everyone else.
Plus, I felt guilty dwelling on my cancer as a constant and depressing conversational topic—not that I had the heart or the energy to discuss anything else.
Finally, I gave in and attended a support group meeting up in Mobile. The other women in the room were in various stages of breast cancer treatment—some, it was obvious, in the final stages. At the first meeting, I listened in silence as the others talked about their own situations, and ranted, and cried.
At last I was surrounded by people who understood what I was going through because they had dealt with—or were dealing with—the same thing. Or worse.
For some, much worse.
At the third meeting, a particularly vocal woman I’d met at the first group session and noticed was conspicuously missing at the second announced that she’d just been given months, maybe just weeks, to live. She was a perfect stranger, but there I was sobbing along with her and the group members who took turns comforting her and each other.
I decided I was never going back there. It was too sad. I couldn’t take it. It made me feel worse, not better.
And so I returned to shouldering the burden in solitary silence. I told myself that I could get through on inner strength, a positive attitude, and faith alone, as my grandmother had forty years ago. Again, I thought I was going to be just fine on my own.
Again, I was wrong. I needed someone. I needed all of you. This is my virtual support group, blessedly free of eye contact and tears. I can show up on my own time and I don’t have to speak if I’m not in the mood, or make excuses if I feel like fleeing abruptly. This is my haven, my home. I thank God every day that I eventually found my way here, and I thank you for being my friends.
—Excerpt from Landry’s blog, The Breast Cancer Diaries
Chapter 9
Riding the elevator down two floors to the hotel lobby, Landry smooths the skirt of her black dress. It wrinkled pretty badly in her suitcase, and she didn’t dare use the iron in the room. As soon as she plugged it in, she smelled something burning and noticed scorched fabric stuck to the bottom.
She called down for another iron, but it didn’t arrive by the time she had to leave for the funeral, so here she is, rumpled and running a few minutes late to meet Kay and Elena. She feels better, though, every time she looks down at the onyx bracelet Addison made for her. And no matter what happens today—this weekend—she’ll be back home tomorrow night, and everything will be back to blessed normal.
With a ding, the elevator arrives in the lobby and she takes a deep breath as the doors slide open. She’s jittery—in a good way—about the prospect of coming face-to-face at last with friends who’ve been lifesavers in the most literal sense of the word, if positive energy really does have healing powers, as Meredith believed.
Stepping into the lobby, she glances around. It’s not a true budget hotel, but not fancy, either. This is the kind of place frequented by traveling salespeople, families with kids, senior citizens . . .
Bloggers coming face-to-face for the first time . . .
Landry passes the front desk, manned by a young woman reading a paperback romance, and the computer station occupied by a teenage boy, and the darkened dining alcove blocked off by a sign advertising the hours for the free breakfast. Just beyond is a large seating area where she, Elena, and Kay agreed to find each other.
Well, she and Kay agreed, anyway, in text messages exchanged after she checked into the hotel. Elena hasn’t been in touch since before she left Boston, saying her phone battery was almost dead but she would check in with them when she got to the hotel and could plug it into her charger.
The seating area is empty, other than a frazzled-looking young mom sitting on a couch. She’s trying to feed a fussy baby a bottle and scolding a toddler for noisily pushing a luggage cart across the tile floor. In the far corner, a man—probably her husband—has a cell phone clasped against one ear and a palm covering the other ear, as if to tune out the commotion behind him.