‘Oh - good.’
‘Not good. I don’t want her. I detest her.’
‘Perhaps that means you love her.’
‘I suppose you have to say something stupid like that.’
‘I’m glad you’ve come, George. I thought you’d come, at last.’
‘Did you? I didn’t. Anyway it doesn’t mean anything, not what you think.’
‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No. Is Rozanov still here?’
‘So far as I know. I didn’t know he was going. I haven’t seen him lately.’
‘He’ll corrupt others as he corrupted me. Oh God, I’m so unhappy. Stella was the last straw.’
‘Talk to me, my dear.’
‘You love talks, I know, you grow fat on people’s troubles, you grow fat and sleek and purr.’
‘We are frail human creatures, all our good is mixed with evil. It is good none the less. If we sincerely pray to be made pure in heart there is a sense in which we do not pray in vain. I wish you well, oh so well. You must forgive me.’
‘Oh damn you. Listen.’
‘Yes.’
‘I want to ask you a question.’
‘Yes. Like “does God exist?” ’
‘No, not like that.’
‘“Is there life after death?” “Ought I to stay with Stella?” “Ought I to stop seeing Diane?”’
‘Don’t play the fool, stop making jokes.’
‘I’m not making jokes, I’m expressing something I feel for you, I feel concern for you, love for you, I’m very glad you’re here.’
‘I want to ask you - a question.’
‘Yes, yes.’
‘That night … when the car fell into the canal … with Stella in it … you were there … weren’t you?’
The priest hesitated. ‘Yes.’
‘That’s why you felt sure I’d come to you?’
‘That was one reason. For any spiritual event there are always several reasons of different kinds.’
‘Hang that. You were there, you were crossing the iron bridge, I saw you.’
‘Yes.’
‘Now tell me what you saw.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘What you saw, what happened.’
‘It was dark - I saw the car swerve and fall into the water.’
‘No, you didn’t see that, you liar - I, what was I doing? The car stopped on the brink and I got out of it. Did you see that, in the name of Christ? And did you see me try to push it in?’
‘No,’ said the priest, though he had had time to wonder, what is the right answer?
‘I’m trying to remember,’ said George, ‘help me.’
He came forward and took hold of Father Bernard’s arms at the elbow, glaring into his face with glittering eyes.
‘I ask you, I beg you, to tell me the truth, I must know exactly what happened, it’s important. I drove the car - the car came up to the brink and stopped and I got out - or did it stop - I got out - then what happened? I can’t see it - did I go behind the car and try to push it? Or did I imagine this? For Christ sake, tell me, I beg you for the truth, I beg you.’
Father Bernard involuntarily stepped back pulling away from the clutching hands. He said, ‘You jumped out as the car went over the edge. Of course you didn’t try to push it. It was an accident.’
‘Before God, are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
George showed no relief. A look of anguish distorted his face. He murmured something which sounded like ‘the pity of it’, then, ‘I have done something terrible.’
Father Bernard said again, ‘Please sit down,’ only George would not sit, but went to the bookcase and turned his back in the sad penitential posture, as Father Bernard with inexplicable distress saw it. He leaned against the books, rolling his forehead to and fro against them.
‘George, you haven’t hurt Stella, have you?’
George, half turning his head, said in a dull voice, ‘Stella? No.’ He turned round and put his hand in his pocket and brought out something, two small white fragments which he held in the palm of his hand. He said, ‘I broke it, I got angry, but it can be mended. See, the little Japanese thing, ivory, a man holding a fish, a fisherman with his basket, see underneath his foot and the pattern of his dress folded - his head is broken off, but it can be mended. It’s all to do, it’s to do. Oh, if you only knew how unhappy I am, how my heart hurts in my breast. It’s all so black. Oh what a burden it is— ’
Father Bernard had pictured a scene where George ‘came to him’ at last, but it had not been like this. He was upset, frightened, confused by George’s state of mind which he could not understand but about which he felt he ought instantly to be able to do something. He wished George would sit down and spill out some fairly coherent story and require to be talked to, instead of flinging himself about the room. He wanted to dominate George, to hold him and soothe him, but could not see how to do it. He asked, ‘Where is Stella now?’
‘I don’t know. At Druidsdale, I suppose. I’ve left there. I’m staying with Diane. We’re going to live in Spain.’
‘You and Diane?’
‘Yes. But it’s so terrible, so black, like a hideous dream, and I have to do it all again.’
‘Do what? What terrible thing have you done?’
‘Nothing, nothing. I saw my double carrying a hammer. How can another person steal one’s consciousness, how is it possible? Can good and evil change places? Well, well, I must go now.’
‘You are not to go, sit here.’ Father Bernard planted a firm palm on George’s chest and pushed him abruptly down on to the sofa. As soon as he touched George he felt an inrush of warm power. He knelt on the sofa, pressing his hands on to George’s shoulder to prevent him from rising. George struggled but the priest was stronger.
‘Stay. That’s right. Relax your body. Don’t look so wretched. You’re not going to cry, are you? I don’t believe you’ve ever done anything terrible or that you’re ever going to. The only person you hurt is yourself. Your mind is boiling over with anger and remorse and grief and black pain. Let it all go from you. Turn to God. Never mind what it means. Let the miracle of forgiveness and peace take place in your soul. Forgive yourself and forgive those whom you imagine to be your enemies. I want you to say the Lord’s Prayer with me.’
‘The Lord’s Prayer?’ said George and he seemed surprised and almost interested. ‘Now?’
‘Yes. You remember it, don’t you? Our Father — ’
George said, speaking quickly and looking up at the priest who, with one knee on the sofa, was still gripping him by the shoulder, ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.’ Then he stopped. He said, ‘My God, you are a charlatan.’
‘Give us this day our daily bread.’
‘And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.’
Father Bernard stopped holding George and sat down beside him, and they sat together in a slightly dazed silence, aware of an event which had taken place in the room.
George shuddered and got up. ‘You’ve got the old magic in working order.’
Father Bernard rose too. ‘George, don’t go away, please, sit down again and be quiet with me for a little while. You needn’t talk. Let me get you some coffee, whisky, brandy, something to eat. Let the old magic work in you, let it travail in you, let it travel with you, turn towards it. Repeat the old charms. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners.’
‘Turn to it! Even if it’s all false?’
‘It can’t be. It will do good to you. It has already done good to you today. If you utter sacred words with a sincere and humble and passionate desire for salvation they cannot fail. Let grace flood your heart. Remember that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.’