P. P. S. L'il Lolita is actually a pretty good title, don't you think? We could commission it. I'm thinking maybe Mort Yeager, he's got a touch for that sort of thing. Remember Teenage Lingerie Show? The girl in L'il Lolita could be eleven, I think-wasn't the original Lolita twelve?
interoffice memo
TO: Roger FROM: John RE: Possible brain tumor
Sounds more like a tension headache to me. Take four Quaaludes and call me in the morning. By the way, Mort Yeager's in jail. Receiving stolen property, I think.
John
from the office of the editor-in-chief
TO: John Kenton DATE: 1/16/81
MESSAGE: Don't you have any work to do?
Roger
interoffice memo
TO: Roger FROM: John RE: Merciless huckstering by insensitive superior
Yes, I'll write a letter to Carlos Detweiller, next year's National Book Award winner.
John
P. S. -Don't bother to thank me.
January 16, 1981
Mr. Carlos Detweiller 147 E. 14th Street, Apt. E Central Falls, Rhode Island 40222
Dear Mr. Detweiller,
Thank you for your interesting letter of January 4th, with its brief but intriguing description of your book, True Tales of Demon Infestations. I would welcome a fuller synopsis of the book, and invite you to submit sample chapters (I would prefer chapters 1–3) with your synopsis. Both the synopsis and the sample chapters should be typed and double-spaced, on good quality white bond paper (not the erasable type; on erasable bond, whole chapters have a way of simply disappearing in the mail).
As you may know, Zenith is a small paperback house, and our lists currently match our size. Because we publish only originals, we look at a great many proposals; because we are small, the proposals we look at are, in most cases, returned because they do not seem to fit our current needs. All of which is my way of cautioning you not to construe this letter as a covenant to publish your book, because that is most definitely not the case. I would suggest you mail off the synopsis and sample chapters with the idea that we will ultimately reject your book. Then you will be prepared for the worst... or pleasantly surprised if we should find it is right for Zenith Books.
Finally, here are the standard caveats upon which our legal department (and the legal departments, so far as I know, of all publishing houses) insist: you must enclose adequate postage to ensure the return of your manuscript (but please do not send cash to cover postage), you should realize that Zenith House accepts no responsibility for the safe return of your manuscript, although we'll take all reasonable care, and that, as I said above, our agreement to look is in no way a covenant to publish.
I look forward to hearing from you, and hope this finds you well.
Sincerely yours,
John Kenton
Associate Editor
Zenith House, Publishers
490 Park Avenue South
New York, New York 10017
interoffice memo
TO: Roger FROM: John RE: upon further study...
...I agree. I do write too much. Appended to this is a copy of my letter to Detweiller. Looks like a synopsis of The Naked and the Dead, doesn't it?
John
January 21, 1981
Mr. John Kenton, Editor Zenith House, Publishers 490 Park Avenue South New York, New York 10017
Dear Mr. Kenton,
Thank you for your letter of January 16th, in which I am of receipt of. I am sending off the entire manuscript of True Tales of Demon Infestations tomorrow. My money is low today, but my boss, Mrs. Barfield, owes me about five dollars from playing the lottery. Boy, she's a real sucker for those little cards you scratch off!
I would send you a “sinopsis proposal,” as you say, but there is no sense of doing that when you can read it for yourself. As Mr. Keen in my building says, “Why describe a guest when you can see that guest.” Mr. Keen does not really have any deep wisdom but he says something witty like that from time to time. I tried on one occasion to instruct him (Mr. Keen) in the “deeper mysteries” and he only said, “Each to his own, Carlos.” I think you will probably agree that this is a silly comment which only sounds witty.
Because we don't have to worry about the “sinopsis proposal,” I will spend my letter telling you something about me. I am twenty-three (although everyone says I look older). I work at the Central Falls House of Flowers for Mrs. Tina Barfield, who knew my mother when my mother was still alive. I was born on March 24th, which makes me an Aries. Aries people, as you know, are very psychic, but wild. Luckily for me, I am on the “cusp” of Pisces, which gives me the control I need to deal with the psychic universe. I have tried to explain all this to Mr. Keen, but he only says, “There's something fishy about you, Carlos,” he is always joking like that and sometimes he can be very irritating.
But enough about me.
I have worked on True Tales of Demon Infestations for seven years (since age 16). Much of the information in it I got from the “OUIJA” board. I used to do the “OUIJA” with my mother, Mrs. Barfield, Don Barfield (he is now dead), and sometimes a friend of mine named Herb Hagstrom (also now dead, poor lad). Once in awhile others would join our little “circle” as well. Back in our Pawtucket days, my mother and I were quite “social!”
Some of the things we found out from “OUIJA” that are described in “blood-curdling detail” in True Tales of Demon Infestations: 1. The disappearance of Amelia Earhart was actually the work of demons! 2. Demonic forces at work on H. M. S. Titanic. 3. The “tulpa” that infested Richard Nixon. 4. There will be a President from ARKANSAS! 5. More.
Of course this is not “all.” “Don't cool me off, I'm just gettin' warmed up,” as Mr. Keen says. In many ways True Tales of Demon Infestations is like The Necronomicon, except that book was fictional (made up by H. P. Lovecraft, who also came from Rhode Island) and mine is true. I have amazing stories of black magic “covens” I have attended, by taking a potion and flying to these covens through the aether (I have recently been to covens in Omaha, Neb., Flagstaff, Ariz., and Fall River, Mass., without ever leaving “the comfort of my own home”). You are probably asking yourself, “Carlos, does this mean you are a student of the 'black Arts'?” Yes, but don't worry! After all, you are my “connection” to getting my book published, right?
As I told you in my last letter, there is also a chapter, “The World of Spells,” which most people will find very interesting. Working in a greenhouse and flower-shop has been especially good for working spells, as most require fresh herbs and plants. I am very good with plants, Mrs. Barfield would even tell you that, and I am now growing some very “strange” ones in the back of the greenhouse. It is probably too late to put them in this book, but as Mr. Keen sometimes tells me, “Carlos, the time to think about tomorrow is yesterday.” Maybe we could do a follow-up, Strange Plants. Let me have your thinking on this.
I will close now. Let me know when you get the manuscript (a postcard will do), and fill me in as soon as possible on royalty rates, etc. I can come to N. Y. C. any Wednesday on the train or Greyhound Bus if you want to have a “publishing luncheon” or come here and I will introduce you to Mrs. Barfield and Mr. Keen. I also have more photographs than the ones I am sending. I am happy to have you publish True Tales of Demon Infestations.