“I know you will,” he says. “I have faith in you.”
“So then, this isn’t it,” I tell him. “This can’t be it.”
He closes his eyes and leans in to plant a terribly soft kiss on my lips. It makes me want to weep. My hands grab him tighter. Something inside me is shaking my foundation.
“Go home,” he whispers. “Do what you can. And I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“And what if you don’t.”
He smiles sadly. “Then at least I had hope.”
Fuck.
I don’t know how I manage to break apart from him but I do. I can barely drive back to my apartment. I’m an emotional wreck, a zombie, yet I’ve never needed to think more clearly in my whole entire life.
I don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do and what I should do, but I don’t think they are the same thing. What I really need to do is discuss it with my mother—even if my work does let me take my three weeks’ vacation completely last minute, she’s the reason I’d have trouble going.
But before I can even bring it up with her, I have to know my plan.
I immediately text Steph and Nicola. When you guys get back, can you get dropped off at my place? This is an emergency. I need to talk to you.
I ponder leaving it at that, but I’m not sure it will be enough so I add, Lachlan asked me to go to Scotland with him. Tomorrow.
They both text immediately with a lot of questions and say they’ll have the guys drop them off.
I pour myself a glass of water from the sink and drink it down in five long gulps. Then I take a half empty bottle of red wine out of the cupboard and have a few swigs straight from the bottle. After all the wine over the weekend, I’m still not tired of it. More than that, I need it. I am flipping the fuck out.
When Nicola and Steph buzz me and I let them up, I haven’t really come up with any decision. I’ve been pacing with a mind so overwhelmed that I can’t figure out anything.
“Kayla,” Steph says as they come inside. “What the hell happened on the ride over here?”
I stop pacing and look at them, flapping my hands like an anxious bird. “Okay. Okay. Well. He missed his flight. The traffic.”
“I know, we were just stuck in it,” Nicola says. “He seriously missed his flight?”
“Yes. He was able to book the next one going out, but it doesn’t leave until tomorrow. And then…and then suddenly he looked at me…”
He looked at me, and it was something I hadn’t seen before in him: hope. I could feel it in my marrow, and I knew, I knew, that something had changed for us.
“And?” Steph coaxes, sitting on the couch and folding her legs underneath her.
“And then he asked if I would go to Scotland with him. He said he’d buy me a seat on the plane.”
“So you said yes?” Nicola asks.
I shake my head. “No. Yes. Maybe? I mean…I don’t know if I can? What if work won’t let me? I’m supposed to stroll into my office tomorrow and ask if I can leave right then and not return for three weeks. And then there’s my mom. I can’t leave her for that long.”
Steph studies me. “Right. All valid. So you’re not going?”
I sigh and flop down on the couch, legs spread out, all my strength drained. “I don’t know. He booked me a seat anyway.”
“Oh my god,” Nicola says softly. “He did that?”
I swallow and nod.
“I told you he was sweet on you,” she says rather smugly.
I’m too frazzled to roll my eyes. “I wasn’t expecting it.”
“But did you want it?” asks Steph. “When he asked you, what was your first thought?”
I blow a strand of hair off my face, wishing all my nerves didn’t feel so wound up. “I thought…please let him be serious. Please don’t let this be a cruel joke.”
“Well, Kayla,” she says, staring at me with knowing eyes. “You have to go.”
“But I can’t just go. It’s not that easy.”
“Okay, let’s ignore your work and mom situation at the moment. And by the way, your mom will be totally fine. I’ll even go check on her if your brothers don’t get their act together.” I give her a grateful smile. “So ignore all that. Is there anything else that would prevent you from going? And I don’t mean externally, like being afraid of jetlag or hating Scottish food or anything like that. I mean inside. Your compass.”
I scrape my teeth over my lip. “I don’t know him,” I say softly. “I met him three weeks ago. I’ve only been intimate with him for one week. You don’t just go off with someone you don’t know to another country. On a whim.”
“Why the fuck not?” Steph asks, giving me a strange look. “You think he’s going to murder you and leave you in a dumpster somewhere?”
“Well, no.”
“Do you trust him?”
My mouth opens but nothing comes out. I have to shrug. “I guess. I mean…can you trust someone you’ve just met?”
“You can do whatever you want,” she says. “Do you trust him?”
I take in a deep breath and look over at Nicola who is watching me curiously. “With my heart?”
Steph tilts her head at me. “Is that what you’re worried about? That you’re going to go there, fall in love, and have to leave him?”
Ouch. One question and my chest feels like a hollowed out tree. “Well, I’m fucking worried about it now!” I tell her, sitting up. I exhale loudly and rub my hands over my face. “I’m worried…I’m worried about that, yeah. I fucking am. But I’m also worried that I’ll be disappointed. That I’ll get to know him and he won’t be the person I think he is.”
“And who do you think he is?”
I give them a soft smile. “I think he’s everything.”
Steph nods and gets up off the couch, heading into the kitchen.
Nicola bites her lip, smiling. “No one has ever been your everything, Kayla. You know you have to go. You’ll kick yourself if you don’t. You don’t want to live with regrets, believe me.”
Steph comes back with the bottle of wine I was chugging out of earlier and three wine glasses. “We should all be wined out at this point, but I don’t care.” She pours the rest of the wine into the glasses, really nothing more than a splash, and hands one to me.
“We can’t really celebrate anything yet,” I remind her, even though I’m raising my glass anyway.
“We’re celebrating your decision. It’s rare to get a chance like this. You’re taking it, regardless of what the outcome is, and that’s something.” She and Nicola clink their glasses against mine. “Last time we toasted to fucking. This time we’re toasting to…well, more of that. But we’re toasting to you, Kayla. Follow your heart.”
“Cheesy,” I mumble before taking a sip of wine. Cheesy but appropriate. “Do you really mean you’ll check in on my mom?” I ask her.
She puts her hand on my shoulder for a moment, looking me in the eye. “I promise I will.”
“I still don’t know how she’ll feel about it,” I admit.
“She’ll be happy if you’re happy. That’s all moms ever want for us. Well, most of the time. I’m sure my mom wants me to also have a baby soon.”
I look at her in surprise. “She’s starting on you already? You just got married.”
Steph smiles and looks away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Yeah, well. I can’t say I disagree with her. We’ve already started trying.”
I glance at Nicola to see if she knows this, but she looks just as surprised as I feel.
“Really?” Nicola squeaks. “That’s amazing. Oh, I’m so happy for you.”
I scrunch up my nose. “Really, Steph? You’re joining the mom club with Nicola?”
“It’s not so bad,” Nicola chides me. “You might change your mind one day.”
I glare at her. “You know how much I hate it when people say that.”
She shoots me an evil grin. “Oh, I know. That’s why I like to say it.”
“As I said,” Steph goes on. “We’re trying. Nothing exciting to report except lots of sex, and I know you’re all tired of hearing about that. But what’s exciting is this. You, Kayla. You better start packing.”