It feels like a million bolts of lightning strike me at once. Packing? To go follow Lachlan to Scotland. To live with him for three weeks. To see him play rugby, to watch him with Lionel, to help out with the rescues, to be in another country. To have endless sex for weeks. The prospect is so exciting, so frightening, I feel like I might shatter all across my living room.
“Come on.” Steph slaps me on the shoulder. “We’ll help while we wait for Linden to pick us up.”
My room is a mess, and packing for an impromptu trip across the pond is extremely overwhelming. Is the weather the same as in San Francisco? Is the city casual or upscale? Should I bring any of my vibrators (the answer is yes)?
Luckily Steph and Nicola are here to keep me organized and on track, and every few minutes I feel like jumping up and down for joy. I’m doing this. I’m actually doing this—the wildest, craziest thing I have ever done. And even though the future is uncertain and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I have this feeling that it’s going to happen. That feeling is what scares me the most. Because shit. I know, I know if I go with Lachlan, I will fall head over heels in love with him. I’m already halfway there.
When Linden shows up at my door, it’s time for them to go, and I’m pretty much fully packed. Our goodbyes are kind of sad because I won’t be seeing them for three weeks.
“Say hi to my aunt and uncle,” Linden says, pulling me into a hug that actually feels genuine for once.
“Do you think he’ll be introducing me to the parents?” I ask.
Linden smiles dryly. “Kayla, if he’s invited you to Edinburgh with him, then he’s serious. So, yes. You’ll meet his parents and everyone else—his brother Brigs too, I’m sure. Damn. I’m really fucking jealous.” He looks at Steph. “Want to go to Scotland?”
She shakes her head. “I’m quite happy staying here. But you can live vicariously through Kayla.”
He grimaces. “I’m not too sure about that if she’s going to be shagging my cousin the entire time.”
“You know me,” I say with a shrug, and hug Steph and Nicola, saying my goodbyes. Nicola gets all teary-eyed and I have to smack her upside the head and tell her to stop that. Steph is a bit more subdued, more overjoyed for me than anything else.
Once they leave, I pick up my phone with shaking hands and call my mom.
“Hey sweetheart,” she says to me. “How was your trip to Napa? Did you have any good wine?”
“All the wine was good,” I tell her, leaning against the kitchen counter. For some reason my legs are shaking, and not in the way they were when Lachlan and I first had sex here. God, that was good fucking sex.
“And the hotel?” my mother asks, and I have to shake my head to get those sex thoughts out of my head. “Tell me about the hotel. I remember your father and I used to go to Napa all the time when he first came over from Iceland. We would always stay at the same place right in town. So pretty.”
I inhale deeply. Talking about my father isn’t making this easy on me. “The hotel was very nice. Had its own vineyard. We’ll go one day. A mother-daughter trip.”
“That would be very lovely. If I’m feeling better, of course.”
Ugh. It’s like I have one foot in Scotland already and I’m reminded of why my other foot needs to be here.
“Kayla?” she asks, and I realize I’ve been silent.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Listen, Mom. Something happened…and I need to talk to you about it. I need your advice.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“Uh, well. You know Lachlan?”
“Yes, of course. How is he?”
“Good…good. Yeah, he’s good. But he’s leaving for Scotland tomorrow. Well actually, he was supposed to leave today but he missed his flight because of the traffic.”
“Oh no.”
“And, well, when he called the airline to book for tomorrow, he kind of booked me a seat on his flight.”
There’s a long pause. “What?”
“He wants me to go with him.”
“And what did you say?” she asks anxiously.
“Well, obviously I told him I’d have to think about it. I’ve got work and I don’t know if they’ll let me take a vacation at the last minute. And then there’s you.”
“Me?”
“I don’t feel good about leaving you, Mom.”
“Oh, good heavens. Kayla. Be serious.”
“I am serious. I know you’re not doing well and—“
“I’m fine.” She cuts me off and her voice sounds stronger than ever. “Don’t you worry about me. You can’t just turn down something amazing because you’re worried about your mother. That’s just nutty talk.”
“I know…but—”
“No. No buts. Do you want to go to Scotland? Do you?”
My nerves buzz with energy. “Yes,” I say thickly.
“Then go. Go into work and get your vacation, and if they don’t let you, then figure out the soonest you can go. I’ve met Lachlan. You shouldn’t let him get away.”
“Okay.”
“Kayla,” she says seriously. “Don’t second guess yourself. This is your track. Get on it and go there. Be with him. You never know what love will bring you.”
But I don’t love him, I want to say. But I don’t say it. Because I know I will. It’s inevitable and I have to stop fighting it.
“Okay. Are you sure you’ll be fine? What if something happens to you?”
She laughs. “Nothing will happen to me. I promise. Please, Kayla. I just want to see you happy, and he makes you happy. Your father would want the same, I know he would. Take a chance and be with him.”
I lick my lips. I tell my mother I will see her as soon as I get back, that I’ll call her as soon as I get to Edinburgh, whenever that is. Then I phone Toshio and Paul, making both of them agree to see her while I’m gone. I don’t have to remind Steph. I know she’s good for it.
So I guess this is it.
This is it.
***
I barely sleep all night. I’m tossing and turning, holding onto my pillow and imagining I’m holding onto Lachlan. I cycle through a million feelings like I would cycle through dreams, and when my alarm goes off in the morning, I feel like the real dream is just beginning.
I don’t even know how I get ready and hold it all together.
I’m brushing my teeth and then suddenly—
BOOM.
I might be brushing my teeth in Scotland.
I’m drinking coffee and—
BOOM.
I might be drinking coffee in Scotland.
I’m imagining Lachlan’s face, open and inquisitive, wanting to hear beautiful things from me and—
BOOM.
I might have that for three wonderful weeks. The idea that I don’t have to say goodbye yet, that in a few hours I could be in his strong, warm arms again makes me feel drunk at eight a.m.
But first I have to go to work. I don’t seem to have many principles, but even I wouldn’t just leave my job like that. I have to throw caution to the wind…cautiously.
I do a last minute tidy-up around the apartment, pretending that I might not see it for a while, then I cram my suitcase into my car and head off to work.
I’m nervous, of course. Scared of what I might do if Lucy says no. I’m scared that those principles I have might be thrown out the window, and then where would that leave me?
Well, at least I’d be on a plane to Scotland.
I arrive at work fifteen minutes early, hoping to catch Lucy before she gets distracted. When she sees me, eyeing my super casual skinny yoga pants, slip-on sneakers, and a t-shirt (you have to be comfy on the plane), she looks surprised, probably doubly so because I’m never early.
“Kayla,” she says as I stride into her office. “What’s, uh, going on?”
I give her a tight smile. “May I talk with you?”
She takes her hand off her mouse and gives me her full attention. “All right.”
“I’ll make this short and sweet, but please know that it’s really important to me, and it’s a great opportunity, and I don’t get many like these. And I’ve worked here for a long time, and I’ve been pretty good. Great, sometimes. Anyway, I normally don’t ask for something like this, so let’s just take a moment to both close our eyes and appreciate that.”