I know that if I say that, she’ll just tell me again I’m not a loser. And that won’t make even a little bit of difference in my mind, because I know I’m at least something of a loser, or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But I don’t say anything. I just continue to feel her hand on my forearm, which now feels good, actually. Not in like a sexual way. Just in the way of something that feels nice.
She lets go, and we stand in the dust, close to each other, like we need to stay close now. I am finally able to look up into her eyes.
“We’re wounded,” she says softly.
A funny idea crosses my mind. Maybe a joke will always cross my mind. I imagine two soldiers in a bunker during a war. There’s a huge explosion and one of them loses his head. It explodes off and lands in his friend’s lap. And the friend looks down at the head, and the head says to him, “We’re wounded.”
But I don’t say that, because it’s the wrong thing and the wrong time.
“I know,” I say.
“I’ll help you, you help me,” she says, and I have to admit I like the way that sounds.
We find a place to sit in the shade, and we just hang for a bit until I feel better. Then we finish our lap of the park and go back to the trailer. Thomas and Laurelei are sitting on the couch where Aisha slept. I pretend I didn’t just have this meltdown about pigeon shooting, and Thomas is cool and acts like I didn’t too. We sit down and shoot the shit for a bit, and then Thomas and Laurelei share this look and she nods to him.
“So we have a little news for you,” Thomas says.
“We were just talking it over and it came back to me,” Laurelei says. “Peter and Lois Clancy in Salt Lake City. Russ went to them after he left us. We knew them way back when from those religious conferences.”
Aisha pulls out her phone like it’s a revolver from a holster. Thomas stops her. “We have all the information you need,” he says. “We just called them. You ready for this? Lois absolutely remembers your grandfather, and she says she’d love to see you.”
“What did she say?” I blurt. “Does she know where he is?”
“She said they lost touch, but she has something of his she wants you to have.”
I look at Aisha, wondering whether she’d even consider a drive to Salt Lake City. “What is it? Can she tell us over the phone?”
“She said it would really mean a lot to her to meet you.”
“But Salt Lake City is like …” And then I stop talking, because it’s embarrassing that I have no real idea of how far away it is. Out West, everything seems super far apart.
Aisha is on her phone. “About eight hours,” she says. “Give or take.”
Thomas nods. “That’s about right.”
I think about our options. We can go back to Billings and be there in a few hours. We won’t solve the mystery of my grandfather, but … Well, that’s it, I guess. Or we can drive to Salt Lake City and meet someone who knew him. Who has something for me. They may have lost touch, but at least it will take us a step closer.
Aisha must be thinking the same thing, because she says, “I’m game.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yes, really,” she says.
Thomas says, “If you leave now, you’ll be there by eight, even if you stop a few times. Lois said they’d be happy to put you up.”
My mind spins with the possibilities. What could she possibly have to give me? This is irresponsible. We haven’t needed to get gas yet, but if we go farther, we will. What about food? We’re definitely going to need to start using the credit card a whole lot. But then I figure, What the hell? What’s the worst thing that could happen?
I look at Aisha. “You sure you’re up for sixteen more hours of driving round-trip?”
She smiles and shrugs. “You got the funds, I got the wheels. Let’s go.”
I pull out my phone and text my mom.
Hey mom, on the road,
doing great. How’s dad?
He’s doing Bette.
Better. Sorry. He has more energy today.
Good! Okay if we take another day?
She’s going to say no. There’s just no way she’s going to be okay with me being off with a girl I hardly know, who she hardly knows, wandering the Wild West while my dad is —
I suppose one more day would be finish
Fine I mean. I hate this silver
Silly sorry
iPhone. Always charges what I type.
I don’t answer right away. I’m getting what I want, so why be upset? And I’m not upset. It’s just. I don’t know. It’s too easy and it pisses me off, I guess.
Thanks. Luv u.
xo. Please consider calling your fate
father
Everyone’s looking at me, so I put on a smile. And then I realize I’m going to freaking Utah with Aisha, and the smile becomes a smile for real.
“So, off to Salt Lake City,” Laurelei says. “You’re taking your grandfather’s journey.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way. We’re following in his footsteps all these years later.
Thomas gives Aisha the address and phone number. Then he quickly pens a note to the Clancys, thanking them for their hospitality.
“Now these are real religious folks,” Thomas says, his tone a bit wary. “Can I count on you two to tone it down a bit?”
I look at Aisha, because I figure she’s the problem more than me, what with the whole lesbian angle. But then I realize they’re all looking at me.
“What?” I say. My jaw gets tight, but they won’t stop looking at me, so I finally just say, “Fine, fine.”
It doesn’t take much for us to pack up our things, and Thomas notices. He says, “Take the sweatpants. Both of you.”
“Really?” I say.
“Absolutely. You thought you were on a day trip. In fact —” He holds up a finger and disappears into the bedroom, and then he calls Laurelei in. After a few minutes, they return with a pile of shirts, some toiletries, and a ratty old canvas bag.
“There’s no way you’d fit in any of our shorts or pants,” he says. “But the shirts should do in a pinch.”
“Thanks,” I say, and Aisha says it too.
They walk us out to the Neon. Laurelei fawns all over Aisha, asking her did she get everything, is she sure we don’t want to stay for lunch, does she want to shower. They exchange phone numbers, just in case.
“Man, I’m gonna miss you guys,” Aisha says, burying her head in Thomas’s shoulder in a hug. I feel both glad for her that she felt so at home here, and a little sad that it didn’t work out that way for me exactly.
Laurelei takes my hand and squeezes good-bye. When she unclasps and lets my hand go, I look up and she is smiling at me, Thomas right behind her. There’s this pang in my chest that I don’t expect. He creases his lips in a way that tells me he’s sorry our visit is over. I am too.
“Thanks again for the stuff,” Aisha says.
Laurelei beams. “Don’t mention it.”
We get in the car, and the Neon kicks up trailer park dust as we take off.
“Bless you!” Laurelei yells to us.
“Bless you too!” Aisha yells back as we take a left out of the place.
I look at her. “Oh my God,” I say. “ ‘Bless you’? Next thing you’re going to tell me you no longer believe in the Porcupine of Truth. Which would be unfortunate, as it is, you know, the Porcupine. Of Truth.”
She grins. “I would never deny the existence of the Porcupine.”