‘Is your mother proud of you? Does she know what you do?’
‘Are you joking? Of course she does. She was the first person I phoned when I got the job. “Hi Mum, look at me. Look how low I’ve sunk.” It was great.’
‘How would you like it if she was in one of your sleazy magazines? That would be alright, would it?’
‘I don’t think we’d have her, if you know what I mean?’ I said, pulling a face and whistling.
‘You really are pathetic, you know that?’ she said, turning on a heel.
‘No wait, wait, hold it. I’m only joking with you. This is a party after all, it’s not Newsnight. What’s your name?’
‘I’m not telling you that.’
‘Why not?’ I asked.
‘Why? Because you’re a pornographer and I’m not giving my name to a pornographer.’
‘Why? What am I going to do with it? This doesn’t even make sense.’
‘Listen slimeball...’
‘You can call me Godfrey if you like.’
‘Listen slimeball, you’re not getting my name because you don’t need to know it. You’re never going to have call to use it five seconds from now.’
‘Well, if we’re never going to see each other again, another couple of minutes isn’t going to hurt. No more joking, I’ll be serious, I promise.’
The girl with no name dithered for a moment as she tried to make up her mind whether or not to give me a few more minutes of her life. Was it worth it? Was I going to listen to what she had to say or was I just going to use those minutes to make more fun of her?
‘Hey, you approached me. I think the least you can do is hear me out,’ I told her.
‘Hear you out? Hear out what? That I actually enjoy being looked at like a lump of meat?’
‘Hey, maybe you don’t but you’d be surprised how many women do,’ I told her. ‘Actually, I’ll take that back; you wouldn’t be surprised, you’d be amazed at the amount of letters and phone calls we get every day from women who want to be in our mags. A lot of women get a thrill from it.’
‘Oh please. It’s degrading,’ she said scornfully.
If done right, I thought to myself, although I decided to keep my jokes to myself for the time being.
‘You might find it degrading, but do you suppose every women thinks the same as you? I’ve met a lot of women, not all models either, who get a real kick out of exhibitionism. One girl I knew never wanted to turn the lights off or close the curtains when we had sex, she wanted all the neighbours to watch.’
‘Probably the only way she could get any excitement going with you,’ she spat.
‘Now who’s being offensive? Although you’re probably right. However, you do then acknowledge that there is a certain excitement angle to being watched? To having eyes roaming all over your body,’ I said slowly, running mine up and down her in a way that made her shudder and tell me to stop. ‘Here’s a good example. A few months ago I was called into reception to see a girl who wanted to appear in Bling – that’s the mag I work on. Anyway, she explained that she’d come in before but had been told that at seventeen, she was too young to be photographed. Very sorry, come back next year if you’re still interested. She tells me all this then shows me her birth certificate to prove she’s now eighteen. It’s only her birthday that day. “Can you photograph me now please?” she says. “It can be my birthday present to myself.”’
‘Poor girl,’ my feminist friend said, shaking her head sadly.
‘What? Where did you get that from?’
‘Well, she was obviously deeply unhappy with herself.’
‘Not necessarily. Some girls are just proud of their bodies and love showing them off. She certainly did and she’s doing very nicely out of it these days.’
‘These girls probably like showing off their bodies because they haven’t had a proper education and they’re trying to compensate for this with the only weapon they’ve got. How will this poor girl feel in twenty years time when her looks desert her?’
‘Oh I wouldn’t worry about that, she’ll probably be long dead from all the crack we force-feed her.’
Femmy’s jaw dropped in shock before she realised I was joking again. Too good an opportunity to pass up. She didn’t laugh.
‘Look, you say it’s down to a lack of education. Well let me tell you this; half our British models are university students and a hell of a lot more educated they are than I am. What does that do for your theory, hey?’
‘Are they really? Is that true?’ she asked suspiciously.
‘Yes, straight down the line. I don’t have to make this stuff up because it’s all true.’
‘Well then it’s obvious why they do it, they’re doing it to supplement their students loans and pay their way through college...’
‘And we’re taking advantage,’ I said, finishing her sentence for her.
‘Yes, yes, you are. That’s exactly it. And what happens when these girls finish their degrees and go looking for work? Who’s going to take them seriously and look at them in any light other than brainless bimbos and whores after they’ve cheapened themselves in porn?’
‘Well no one if the world thinks like you.’
‘Exactly, so you’ve ruined their lives.’
‘We’re just taking a few pictures of them; you’re the ones waiting in the wings to tar and feather them. Why do you refuse to accept that some women might just genuinely enjoy porn as much as men?’
‘There were a few black slaves in America 200 years ago who thought their lot in life was good. Some of them even pursued and caught other slaves that had run away out of misplaced loyalty to their owners. They whipped their own brothers, and do you know why?’
‘For a laugh?’
‘No, because they didn’t know any better. Men have been oppressing women for centuries and pornography is just another tool of the oppressor,’ she said, I suspect verbatim from some militant man-hating textbook.
‘If you’re going back a couple of hundred years, you know the Victorians used to cover up table legs because they thought they were obscene. This might sound daft to you and me in this day and age but the Victorians took it very seriously. Jesus Christ, it wasn’t that long ago that Lady Chatterley’s Lover was banned but who’s going to crack one out to that these days? A hundred years from now I’m sure people won’t be able to understand what all the fuss was about with our nudey pictures.’
‘A hundred years from now, I hope to God people will be above this sort of thing and ban people like you altogether.’
‘I doubt that. The way things are going the porn’s just going to get harder and harder. It was only twenty years ago that people thought Benny Hill was a bit risqué and look at the shit that’s on the box now.’
‘If it hadn’t been for Benny Hill, perhaps there wouldn’t be any of this crap today.’
‘You could have a point there. Still, he was good, wasn’t he?’
‘He was a pig. And it’s down to him and people like him that women have such a hard life today.’
‘Not a fan then? Okay, but if you want to talk about hard lives, let’s just get back to the old Victorians for a second. See, I seem to remember, from history and stuff, that in Victorian times ladies were required to be respectfully covered up at all times. If a Victorian could see what you’re wearing today he’d probably take his belt to your backside and call you a harlot.’
‘Yes, I’m sure he would.’
‘But then aren’t you contradicting yourself? It’s our fault when you’re all covered up. It’s our fault when you’ve got your tits out. When exactly is it your turn to take responsibility for your own actions?’
‘When we finally have control over them.’