With all the cheering and catcalls going on we didn’t hear it at first. It was way off in the background, just one more noise in the traffic, something you hear every day in London and don’t think twice about. The trouble was, it was growing louder and louder and it was coming our way.
‘Shit! Police!’ Stuart shouted and we all froze. The siren was turning into the Common and only a matter of yards away as we all suddenly ran around like headless chickens.
Stuart and Howard were at the top of their game and out of the courts and halfway to the car before I knew where my arse was.
‘Holy shit! Quick Cindy, Tanya, quick, come on!’ I urged the girls, grabbing their dresses and bundling them butt-naked out of the courts and after the others. We sprinted across the grass and towards the car with one last cheer echoing in our ears before it was drowned out by the siren.
‘Let’s go, let’s go,’ I shouted as I ran between the girls. My mind was racing as fast as I was but oddly enough it wasn’t with panic. Despite everything else that was going on around me, all I kept thinking was I wished some of my mates could’ve seen me now. As it was, I would be dining out on this anecdote for the rest of my life but an eyewitness or two would’ve been great.
‘Stop, Police!’ someone shouted behind us, but we were way out in front and only fifty yards from the safety of the car. Ten more seconds and we’d be piling in the back and away. But suddenly we had even further to run as there were fifty-five yards between us and the car; then suddenly sixty, then seventy, then eighty, then ninety, then a hundred yards and then it was gone, disappeared off around a corner and gone.
They’d abandoned us. The utter utter bastards had abandoned us.
‘What do we do now?’ Cindy yelled, the confidence suddenly missing from her sweet West Country voice.
‘Keep running or get nicked,’ I shouted back and pointed towards the other side of the Common and a narrow alleyway leading into a housing estate. ‘That way. If we can just find somewhere to hold up a minute, you can put your dresses back on and we can at least blend in a bit better.’
Yeah, two absolute stunners, wearing the skimpiest tennis dresses, walking down Tooting High Street. I was sure no one was going to bat an eyelid at us.
I looked back around for the briefest of seconds and was lifted to see that one of the coppers had given up chasing us and was heading back to the car. We had a generous lead over the other one and I reckoned we could lose her in the labyrinth of back streets and alleyways around the estate long enough, at least, for the girls to get dressed again.
Dog walkers and joggers stopped in their tracks as the three of us ran past like an Electric Blue version of Benny Hill. As we approached the main road, I was half-hoping for one of those comedy pile-ups that you got in the movies, something to distract the attention the police with, but nothing like that happened.
We charged across the road to a chorus of cheers and beeps and made it into the alleyway.
‘Come on, this way,’ I said, dragging the girls around a series of twists and turns, over a fence or two and into one of those electric generator areas. We ducked down behind the gate and tried to catch our breath.
The girls were sweaty, naked and excited and I was suddenly all alone with them. Tanya couldn’t stop giggling and I had to put a hand across her mouth to shut her up as the policewoman ran past behind the fence. We waited a few nerve-jangling moments for the danger to pass and were relieved when it finally did.
‘My heart is thumping,’ Cindy whispered, holding a hand to her heaving breasts.
‘Mine too,’ Tanya agreed. ‘I haven’t had this much fun in ages.’
The girls might’ve been loving the thrill of it all but I was more concerned with how we were going to get ourselves out of this mess.
‘Here, here’s your dresses, put them on,’ I told them. ‘We’re not too far from Tooting Bec. There’s a couple of pubs down there, we’ll duck into the nearest one, have a quick drink and phone a cab. My place isn’t too far from here and I can sort you both out with some clothes and cash to see you home. Agreed?’
‘Ooh Godfrey, you’re our hero,’ Tanya purred, both of them giggling in unison. ‘But before we go anywhere, I think there’s one very important thing we need to do first, right Cin’?’
‘Yeah. Let’s do it,’ Cindy grinned.
‘What? What are you talking about?’ I asked in confusion.
‘A little unfinished business,’ Cindy whispered in my ear as she unbuttoned my jeans and slipped her hand inside. This time, I didn’t try to stop her.
‘Oh, I see,’ I said, my heart smashing violently against the inside of my chest.
Tanya pulled my jeans and boxers down and then together, while hiding behind a fence and on the run from the police, two naked porn stunners gave me the best damn blow-job of my entire life.
Finally, I felt like a real pornographer.
16. Caught by the fuzz
Things went downhill from there. When the girls went to put their dresses on, we found that we only had one of them. I must’ve dropped the other one during the chase and suddenly Tanya was naked for keeps.
‘I don’t think I can walk down the High Street like this,’ Tanya said, holding her hands over her breasts.
‘What are we going to do?’ Cindy ask, pulling her dress over her head.
‘You’ll have to leave me,’ Tanya said. ‘Go and get some clothes and bring them back for me. I’ll stay here.’
Endorphins were swimming through my mind so I was pretty sanguine about just about everything. The Old Bill could peer over the fence and lock us all up as far as I was concerned, nothing was going to wipe the stupid smile off my face. I think it was this attitude that helped me deal with the situation calmly and collectively. What was it that Kipling said? ‘If you can keep your head while all about you others are losing theirs, blahdy blahdy blah... etc’. I’ll put money on it he’d just been gobbled off by a couple of right sorts just before he wrote that because suddenly I felt like a man... my son.
‘No one’s leaving anyone anywhere. Here, take my t-shirt and put my boxers on,’ I said, slipping out of my clothes and handing them to Tanya. ‘I can go bare-chested, it won’t matter too much. We might look odd but at least we’re not breaking the law any more,’ I told them as I pulled my jeans back on.
‘Thank you Godfrey, you’re a star,’ Tanya said, covering herself up at last.
I peered over the gate, up and down the alleyway, but there was no sign of the police.
‘We ready? Okay, let’s go.’
We clambered back over the fence and dropped down into the alleyway. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get in the pub now, not without a shirt, so we would have to walk back to mine. It was about a mile and a half but luckily I knew the back streets pretty well and already had a route in my head.
We quick-stepped it along the alleyway, then through a gap in the fence, along some waste ground and then through another alleyway.
People stared at us as we went by. Well wouldn’t you? One bloke stripped to the waist, one girl in a skimpy junior tennis dress and one girl wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt with Ron Jeremy doing it on the front. We were just walking along a side street towards the Broadway when all of a sudden a police car crossed the road up ahead. The cop car didn’t even pause for consideration when he saw us, he just stuck on his lights and started towards us.
‘This way,’ I yelled and turned and started running in the opposite direction as fast as we could. If we could just get back to the gap in the fence and the alleyway and everything else I thought… but it was hopeless, the Old Bill were nearly upon us. And to make matters worse, Cindy stumbled on a loose paving slab and scuffed her knee up pretty badly. Blood started pouring down her leg and at that moment I saw that the game was up.