‘Oh fine. And you? I haven’t seen you since the day you arrested me,’ I told everyone within earshot.
‘Yes, that’s right, you haven’t,’ she confirmed, unbelievably stilted. We looked around and saw Matt staring at the both of us suspiciously. A lengthy awkward silence followed before WPC Kensington explained that she had to go, but she’d see me in court later, so I said ‘cheerio’ and wondered if this was a good time to ask her if she still wanted me to wee all over her face.
‘Well, I’ll be off then,’ she said, then added quietly, ‘I’ll give you a call next week’ and wandered away.
‘What’s going on there?’ Matt asked, when I sat back down.
‘I’ll explain later,’ I told him, and I’d need to as I had a couple of photos for him, but I didn’t really want to get them out here.
The day dragged on, as days sat around waiting have a tendency to do. The morning turned into lunchtime, lunchtime turned into pub-time and pub-time unfortunately turned into afternoon, so it was all back to the magistrates court to sit around and wait some more. Happily though, we all had a healthy glow about us now and those few beers (or in the case of Tanya and Cindy, four G&Ts each) made a boring few hours a little more bearable.
I was up and wandering around, just to stretch my legs, when I walked past the toilets and Tanya emerged.
‘Hey Godfrey, have you got the camera?’ she asked, looking from side to side.
‘No, Paddy’s got it.’
‘Go and get it. I’ll wait here.’
I thought what she wanted was to do a couple of shots by the bog door but when I returned she bundled me into the ladies and then into one of the cubicles.
‘It’s all right, they’re all empty. Let’s do a few rude shots,’ she said, hitching up her skirt and spreading her legs. I know I should’ve refused and told her she was going to get us both nicked again, but sometimes you just have to do these things, don’t you? Besides, I was bored out of my mind so taking pictures of Tanya’s smoo was a nice distraction.
She stood on the seat and squatted down as I dropped between her legs and started SNAPPING away.
‘Do pink,’ I told her and she spread herself with one hand while balancing against the cubicle wall with the other. ‘Nice,’ I whispered as I took more shots.
‘You like?’ she said, slipping a finger inside herself then wiping it over my face.
We both giggled and tried to be as quiet as we could but neither of us could help ourselves as she clattered and slid all over the plastic seat. The situation was so preposterous, here we were in the court bogs, doing exactly the thing that had landed us in court in the first place. Jesus, if we got nicked for this they really would throw the book at us, but to hell with it, this really was something I was going tell my grandchildren about – if my kids let me.
I don’t know which of us instigated it or how it came about, but before I’d shot more than half a dozen pictures, I had my pants around my ankles and was doing Tanya hard up against the door.
‘Yeah yeah. Fuck me, yeah,’ she panted, and I was half-tempted to answer, ‘I am’. Suddenly, I didn’t care if anyone heard us or not, I was banging an absolutely stunning porn model and everyone else could go to hell. I knew for a fact – for a fact – that I’d never have anyone this gorgeous again so I wasn’t stopping for anyone until the deed was well and truly done. Life was all downhill from this moment on anyway.
They could bang me up for five years after this, I wouldn’t care.
Tanya’s breath smelt sweet on my face and she smiled mischievously as I piled in up her for all I was worth. Her body was firm and light and she complied to my every touch like a pro. Wow, this was great! This was amazing, I kept thinking to myself. First Tanya and Cindy noshing me off, then WPC Kensington, and now this. I think it was safe to say I was experiencing something of a purple patch and loving every second of it. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
‘Oohh, you’re pretty good you know, Godfrey.’ I can’t remember if she actually said this or not but I thought I’d chuck it in anyway.
Tanya ruffled up my hair with her fingers as we kissed and at, one point, I couldn’t tell which was my tongue and which was hers.
This was great! This was fucking great!
Tanya transferred her attention to my ears and the pair of us almost went crashing to the ground.
The sudden unexpectedness of the whole situation combined with the thrill of doing something really wrong (and really fucking stupid) had the two of us overdosing on adrenaline. I’d heard the expression, ‘drunk with lust’ before but I’d never really known what it had meant until this moment.
It’s something I can whole-heartedly recommend.
‘You’re so big, Godfrey,’ Tanya probably said.
Reality came crashing back with a knock on the cubicle door. Tanya and I froze in mid-thrust and we barely dared to breathe. After a moment or two, Tanya shouted out, ‘Won’t be a minute, just going to the toilet,’ then she looked into my eyes and did something I’ll take to the grave with me. It might not sound much to you, considering what else we’d been doing, but it’s the thing I think about most whenever I revisit that afternoon in my mind – there we were, against the cubicle doors, our bodies entwined and breathless with passion, and she leaned forward and planted the tiniest, most gentle little kiss on my lips.
It was a moment of genuine true affection and I loved her deeply for it.
‘Tanya?’ a voice asked from the other side of the door.
‘Yes?’ Tanya replied her eyes fixed to mine.
‘Who have you got in there with you? Is Godfrey in there with you?’ she asked and I recognised it as Samantha’s voice.
‘No,’ Tanya told her and gave me another little kiss.
Samantha went into the next cubicle, climbed up on the bog seat, as was the vogue of the day, and peered over the wall at us.
‘What the bloody hell are you two doing?’ she demanded.
‘Making babies,’ I told her, and me and Tanya laughed.
‘Get the hell out of there right now, if anyone catches you you’ll be strung up.’
I considered this – not for very long admittedly – then told her, ‘I haven’t finished yet’.
Tanya smiled at that and slowly we started grinding again.
‘I don’t give a shit, get out of there!’ Samantha said.
‘Not a chance,’ Tanya replied, responding to my every touch.
‘I’ll get the Clerk of Courts if you don’t stop that right now,’ Samantha threatened, so I told her she could go and get Lawrence of Arabia if she wanted; I wasn’t stopping for anything.
‘Look, you’re our representation,’ Tanya said, looking up at her. ‘So go and represent us by keeping a look-out.’
‘This is madness, you can’t do this,’ she said.
‘Watch us,’ I told her, mildly excited at the thought.
‘Christ al-bloody-mighty...’ Samantha ranted to herself, clambering off the toilet seat and out of the cubicle. ‘Are you coming or what?’
‘Not just yet,’ I said, driving in and out of Tanya with mounting urgency. ‘But I will be soon.’
‘I mean it, I’ll go and get the Clerk.’
‘No you won’t.’
That seemed to take the wind out of Samantha’s sails because she dithered about for a few moments longer then said, ‘Well, just bloody hurry up then’.
‘Will do, keep an eye out for us will you, we won’t be long.’
‘No, I don’t think we will,’ Tanya gasped by way of a reply. ‘Oh yes!’ she moaned. ‘Oh yes, that’s it. Oh God.’
It’s funny, she hadn’t been that vocal before Samantha had appeared but all of a sudden she couldn’t keep her trap shut.
‘Oh yeah. Oh no. Don’t stop. That’s fantastic,’ Tanya told me and Samantha. ‘Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh God. No. No. No. Yes. No. Oh fuck!’