I didn’t have a clue what she was going on about, all I knew was that I was getting rave reviews and you can’t argue with that.
‘Oh God. Oh God. Oh God,’ she kept on crying. ‘Yes yes yes. Oh God yes, that’s it, I’m going to come. Oh yes, don’t stop that. Harder. Harder. Ooooohhhhhh!’ she howled in my ear, tensing up and crashing against the door, before going all limp on me.
Suddenly there was no stopping me, I was like a jackrabbit on Viagra and I slammed her against the door again and again and again. Tanya could only hold on for the ride as I galloped up the last straight and headed for the finishing line. She bit my ears, kissed my neck and made short work of my carefully gelled-hair until eventually, with one final deep thrust, I exploded inside her.
‘Oh YES!’ one of us called out, though to this day I’ve no idea who.
We stayed in that position for a few brief heavenly seconds as the endorphins washed over us, and kissed her one last time before reluctantly disengaging.
Jesus, I was absolutely done in as I tried to straighten myself up. I don’t know quite how to describe it. I guess the only way would be like this; you know how when you go swimming and you’re not very fit? You do ten lengths of the pool and just about manage it, but when you go to get out of the water you can barely stand? Well that was me opening the cubicle door, all slack-jawed and wobbly kneed. Tanya looked fit to drop herself and when we emerged, the gobsmacked look on Samantha’s face was worth all the curry in India.
I staggered past her without stopping, but gave her a little wink as I exited the bog. Behind me, just as the door was swinging shut, I heard Tanya tell Samantha, ‘Now that boy knows what he’s doing’.
And this time, she really did say it.
*
About ten minutes later, out in the waiting hall, Samantha asked me if she could have a quiet word. I prepared myself for a long stern lecture, but instead she just handed me a plain envelope and told me I’d dropped it in the ladies.
‘I didn’t know who’s it was so I had to look inside. Isn’t that that policewoman?’ she asked, as I checked all the photos were there.
‘Oh, yes. Thank you. Don’t say anything to anyone okay? You could get her into a lot of trouble.’
Samantha racked her brain for the right words, though in the end all she could manage was, ‘I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. How do you do it?’
Most of my life I’ve been a plank, but there are some moments, just very occasionally, when I surprise even myself at just how cool I can be. I know it was corny and a cliché but I took then envelope, tucked it into my pocket and replied, ‘Why don’t I tell you over dinner some time, once we get all this nonsense out of the way?’
Samantha stared at me, absolutely lost for words. I have no idea what she was thinking because at that moment our case was called and we had other things to concentrate our minds on.
All I know is that she didn’t say no.
Paddy, Matt, Hasseem and Hazel wished us all luck and went and found seats at the back of the court, and WPC Kensington gave me a smile of encouragement as we took our places for kick-off. Samantha saw this and again looked at me in complete confusion.
‘All rise,’ some bloke said, so we all did.
Mine was the first name he read out and I was asked to confirm my name and address. He then asked me my occupation and I was about to say ‘unemployed’ when I remembered that Moonlight were picking up the tab so I could be as cocky as I liked.
He asked me again when he didn’t get an answer straight away and a broad smile broke out across my face. I looked back at Paddy and the lads and suddenly I knew the answer I had to give. All eyes in the court stared at me as they waited for me to reply and when I did a cheer went up behind me.
‘Pornographer,’ I told them.
Epilogue: Seriously, are the letters really real?
Dear Bling,
I’m not sure if you can help me but I was thinking about selling my body to females for sex and I’m not sure how to go about it. How do I set myself up as a prostitute and what should I charge? I would like to do this but I don’t know how viable this idea is as I will be 60 years old this year and I think perhaps, if girls are having to pay for it, they might want someone with a younger body. Your advice would be much valued.
John, Birmingham
Dear Tanya,
Please could you answer the following questions and return this form in the envelope provided? Just cross out the answer you don’t want.
1. Would you like to play with my cock? YES — NO
2. Would you like children? YES — NO
3. How many? 1? 2? 3? 4? 5? More?
4. Can I be there at the birth? YES — NO
5. Would you shave my cock for me? YES — NO
6. Can I shave yours? YES — NO
7. Can I spank you? YES — NO
8. Will you spank me? YES — NO
9. When would you like me to come to London? _______
10. Can you help me? YES — NO
11. Can I suck your toes? YES — NO
12. Will you push your tongue in my ass? YES — NO
13. Can I do it to you? YES — NO
14. Will you finger my ass, then fist it? YES — NO
15. Can I do it to you? YES — NO
16. Can I fuck you in the pussy over and over again? YES — NO
17. How about your ass? YES — NO
18. Can I drink your pee? YES — NO
19. Will you drink mine? YES — NO
20. Will you marry me? YES — NO
21. How soon? _______
I look forward to reading your responses Tanya. Take care my darling. I’ll be thinking of you (while I’m wanking).
Hugh, Manchester
Dear Gemma,
I saw you for the first time this week and think you’re fab. I would like to eat and drink out of you. I would also like to give you an enema and put a see-through pair of knickers on you and watch you go to the toilet. I don’t get enough sex off my wife and use brothels but I still can’t get someone to do this for me. I am 46 years old (though I only look 37) and I am a long distance lorry driver who owns my own wagon. If you are interested in doing this for me I will make it worth your while. If not, could you arrange it?
Glen, Stoke
Dear Bling,
I like your sexy letters in Bling and would like to add one of my own. I’m a young white male aged 25. Last year I lost my virginity with a 20 year old girl who I was fucking for the first time, but to tell the truth it was pretty shit. For starters (1) she did not scream out when I spunked and (2) she did not get pregnant. (3) I asked her for a blow-job and she said no because I didn’t have any condoms and she would not swallow my spunk. All I got was a kiss on the cock and that was just boring so I didn’t bother doing her back. We just had sex and I sucked on her tits and chewed on her nipples but no milk came out of them. She is only 20 years old but weighs 20 stone already. True story. Her name is XXXXX and she lives at XXXXX. Next time I want to fuck one of your models like Claire. Please send me her address so I can fuck her.