Wasn’t life cruel?
If only Stuart had left the room, just for five minutes, not even that. Thirty seconds would’ve been long enough, the state I was in.
So unfair.
Stuart shook my hand again, told me he’d be in touch and pointed me towards the door. I didn’t believe him for a minute. What must he be thinking of me right now? The receptionist asked me how it had gone as I passed by and I told her not too good.
‘I’m sure you did fine,’ she replied and added, ‘Basically, with this company, if they like you they’ll hire you. I mean, how many people are likely to have the sort of experience we’re after?’ making me feel no better for it. You know it’s funny but I could see right down her cleavage as I said goodbye, but it didn’t even register with me until I was out. I wondered if the receptionist had picked up on this too and came to the same conclusion as Stuart.
Probably gay.
‘Jesus, he seemed more interested in me than in you,’ I could hear Stuart telling Rebecca back in the interview room.
‘I could’ve turned him,’ she was arguing back, ‘If you’d just left us alone for five minutes. I would’ve done anything for him.’
This conversation raged across my brain for the whole of the Tube ride home and culminated in Stuart giving Rebecca my address so that she could come after me. She was probably on a Tube right now, I told myself, and due to start banging on my front door at any minute. While I waited for her to get here, I slipped off my jacket, kicked my shoes across the room, drew the curtains and had the biggest and baddest wank of my life.
3. Welcome to the pleasure dome
‘Unbelievable,’ Barry said. ‘Un-fucking-believable.’
‘When d’you start?’ Gary asked excitedly.
‘Two weeks from Monday. I’ve given in a month’s notice at Caravanning and I’m using my last two weeks’ holiday to cut it short so I can start as soon as possible,’ I told them, unable to wipe the broad grin from my face.
‘But I thought you told us it went shit?’ Gary said.
‘I thought it did, just goes to show what I know,’ I told them and downed the last of my pint. ‘Can’t wait, I can’t fucking wait. Two more weeks and I’m out of there. I’ve done it. No more specky, no more sad wankers and no more Elenor. Thank Christ!’ I exclaimed, a wave of relief washing over me.
‘Never shag any bird you work with,’ Gary pointed out like the wise, happily married, old sage he was. ‘That’ll learn you.’
‘Fuck me Gaz, don’t tell him that, consider where he’s going to be working. Fill your boots my old son,’ Barry quickly countered. ‘You’re going to be getting so much it’ll be amazing,’ he half-snarled, staring off into oblivion. ‘And of course if there’s any spare knocking about...’
‘Don’t worry, you can have my leftovers,’ I agreed.
‘Gratefully received,’ he said.
‘Geezer on Caravaning, you know, matey I told you about, bloke I sit next to, he reckons I won’t pull another bird as long as I work there. He reckons no self-respecting girl will have anything to do with some, his words, sleazy pornographer. Funny thing is, old Elenor, she reckons the opposite. She reckons birds’ll be flattered by it. “This is a man who works with beautiful women all day long, if he’s interested in me then I must have something pretty special”,’ I said, putting on my well-worn Elenor voice and face. ‘Trouble is, he’s a middle-class PC Oxbridge ponce and she’s just some old nightmare who’s been playing with my head for the last year and a half.’
‘You know, I think I must be looking forward to you getting another job almost as much as you are just so we can change the fucking record,’ Gary said. ‘Forget Elenor, she’s gone, or as good as.’
‘I’ll second that,’ Barry agreed, waving at the barman who simply waved back.
‘Well, I’m very sorry if I’ve bored you over the last 18 months with my pain, I wish you’d have said something sooner so I could’ve shut up.’
‘Hey, apology accepted,’ Gary said with a regal wave of the hand. ‘Just get us some free mags and don’t mention her again and all is forgiven and gratefully forgotten.’
‘Oh yeah, me too. Free mags every month, you reckon you can?’ Barry said, hopping about on the spot.
‘I’m sure I can, which ones you want?’
‘I don’t know, whatever. All the same aren’t they,’ Gary shrugged.
‘Froth, Ace and Bangers!’ Barry said, putting in his order. ‘Do you do Asian Babes as well?’
‘No I think that’s someone else. Don’t you want Bling? That’s the one I’m going to be working on.’
‘Oh yeah, send us that one as well but make sure you don’t forget about Froth.’
‘You like that one then do you, Barry?’ Gary smiled.
‘No, I mean I don’t get ’em or nothing, it’s just a laugh. Bloke at work had some, just saw them, just thought it would be a laugh, that’s all. I don’t seriously want them, or nothing,’ he protested.
‘You want me to send them to you then or what?’
‘Yes.’
‘Here, don’t send them to my house either or Karen’ll open them, she opens all my mail. Send them to my work address but remember to mark them PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL otherwise my secretary might open them by mistake. Do they come in plain envelopes?’
‘I don’t know, I haven’t even started there yet, have I? Give me a chance.’
‘Man, you have just landed the best job in the world,’ Barry breezed.
*
If I was nervous for my interview I was even more nervous for my first day. I’d come to the conclusion by now that they hadn’t wanted me to bang Rebecca in front of Stuart and was fairly confident having sex in front of other members of staff wasn’t going to be something in my contract, but I was still nervous.
First day nerves and all that.
I arrived five minutes early and was buzzed through the security doors by the receptionist with the tits.
‘Congratulations,’ she said, smiling at me. ‘Welcome to your first day.’
‘Godfrey Bishop,’ I told her and shook her hand.
‘I know, Wendy Pickles,’ she replied.
‘Really? Look at that, we both have stupid names. Please call me God’ or Bish.’
‘Please call me Wendy or Wendy Pickles,’ she replied, dropping the smile from her face.
‘Er, shall I... er...’
‘Go on through if you like, you know where the editorial offices are, don’t you? At the end of the corridor. Just go and make yourself a cup of tea and find your desk.’
‘How will I know which one’s mine?’ I asked.
‘Bling hasn’t had a sub for about three months now so your desk with be the one covered with everyone else’s crap.’
‘Oh, thanks, and sorry about the name thing.’
She flashed me her teeth and went back to her book, all in under half a second.
I walked up the corridor and through the doors and found the office in darkness. I groped around for some lights, flipped them all on and was immediately struck by one desk at the far end of the room which had all but disappeared under dozens of boxes and scores of mags. I shifted a few so that I could see my computer and saw that it was already on and that someone had set a hardcore still from a porn movie as the desktop picture. It featured two guys getting orally pleasured by one girl on her knees between them – or rather, they’d been pleasured by the girl between them. I stared at it, transfixed for a good few moments before quickly looking away when the door swung open and a young girl walked in. She set her bag down at a desk across the room from me, took off her coat, turned her computer on and eyed me suspiciously before walking out again without saying a word. I picked up a few boxes off the floor and piled them back up on the desk in front of the computer.