‘Isn’t it dangerous to have such things about?’
‘We do not do so. They are kept under cover. They are necessary in certain cases. You know that, when you are one of them.’
‘It would be an easy way of putting an end to oneself. Why are we not allowed to take our own lives? It seems that they are our own.’
‘We are seen as mattering enough to be forbidden to do so. I agree we should not expect it. Human lives are sacred, and we all have one. A poor thing, but our own.’
‘So I could end my life by taking ten of these,’ said Cassius. ‘And I might do so for all anyone would care. It would be a shock to people, I suppose.’
‘But you would not be here to see them suffer it. So it would be wasted.’
‘So it would in a way. I don’t mean I want them to have it.’
‘Well, hardly enough to give your life for it.’
‘Oh, well, you have your own way of putting things. And I see it has a certain truth. But it is not the whole.’
‘A certain truth is our own truth, my boy. The whole seldom concerns us.’
‘This house would be a different place without me, though I am held to be of so little account.’
‘You would not see it in that state, however great a treat it would be.’
‘Oh well, well, you are still yourself. We don’t know what we shall be able to do in our future state.’
‘Would that be the sort of privilege afforded, things being as you would have them?’
‘I only meant we might be granted a wider range.’
‘Dead men tell no tales, my boy. And they would do that, if they could do anything. And I doubt the advantage of seeing things going on without us. You see, that is what they would be doing.’
‘But in a different way.’
‘No, in the same way, but without us.’
‘You would miss me, if I were dead.’
‘It is you who will miss me. And I do not look to be flattered by it.’
‘I should miss you indeed, my dear old father. I could not face life without you. I can imagine taking ten of these, to go with you wherever it is. And I cannot think it is nowhere. There would be no hope in anything, and we cannot live without hope.’
‘That may be our reason for contriving it.’
‘I wonder what Flavia would think, if I put an end to myself.’
‘No, it is not your solution. You want your reward, and you would not have it.’
‘There is not much to bind me to life,’
‘But no more to tempt you to lose it.’
‘It would be a good lesson for people, to have to do without me.’
‘If you have their improvement enough at heart to die for it.’
‘It would be a kind of revenge on them.’
‘Well, perhaps you might die for that, if you could see it.’
‘Why should I want that so much more?’
‘Well, revenge is sweet, but it is not so true of people’s improvement.’
‘I should like to see those two women’s faces, if I were found cold and stiff in my bed.’
‘So it is as sweet as that. But you must give up hope. There is no way of arranging to see them.’
‘You must have death the end of everything. I believe we shall pass to a fuller life.’
‘And with your own kind of fullness.’
‘Well, I suppose we shall have passed beyond all personal feeling.’
‘It would be no good to take revenge, if you would not want it any more.’
‘You do not understand me. I was only using my imagination.’
‘Well, let it do the whole thing for you, my boy.’
Cassius heard sounds outside the door and went to open it. Flavia and Catherine were crossing the hall, with the five children about them. Cassius stood and surveyed them.
‘Well, are you all coming to say a word to your father?’
There was no reply.
‘Or is no one coming?’ said Cassius, in another tone.
Toby took a few running steps towards him and retreated. Guy looked from his stepmother to his mother and did no more. The other children gave no sign.
‘I suppose they can recognize me when they see me. Anyone would think I was a stranger.’
‘No,’ said Flavia gently, ‘I think no one would think that.’
‘So I am a monster, am I?’
‘You need not be that, to be difficult to approach.’
‘Now what a way to talk to me, a father such as I am! Have my children ever had a harsh word from me? If they have had a bitter one, whose fault has it been? Have they ever heard me raise my voice, seen me raise my hand? What would they say to an ordinary father, if I am seen like this?’
‘Ordinary things are sometimes best in their place.’
‘No, they are not. That is a speech without a meaning. You have thought of it at this moment as something clever to say. Ordinary things are not as good as things above the ordinary.’
‘I said the best in their place.’
‘Things that are best in themselves, are best in any place,’ said Cassius on a triumphant note. ‘Quality must hold its own.’
‘Yes, you do well, my boy,’ said Mr Clare, as he went to the stairs.
‘Poor Father!’ said Toby suddenly.
‘Yes, poor Father!’ said Cassius. ‘Toby’s poor old father! But Toby loves him, doesn’t he?’
‘No. Oh, yes, poor Father!’
‘And Father loves his Toby.’
‘Yes, dear little boy.’
‘And dear Father.’
‘No, dear Toby.’
‘Will you two elder boys come for a walk with me?’
‘Yes,’ said Guy, approaching him.
‘We were going for a walk with Mother,’ said Fabian.
‘Well, which do you want to do?’
‘Well, we had arranged to go with Mother.’
‘Did you know that, Guy?’ said Cassius.
‘No. Yes. Yes, I did.’
‘You are as bad as Toby.’
‘Or as good,’ said Flavia. ‘They both tried to give you what you wanted.’
‘Oh, I don’t want scraps of attention thrown to me, as if I were a beggar in their path. What a way to regard their father! I am content to go my own way, communing with myself. It may be the best companionship.’
‘It is the only kind we can have,’ said Henry.
‘Oh, you have found that, have you? You are in the same plight as I am. Alone amongst many, as is said.’
‘Yes, that is what it seems to be, though I didn’t know people said it. Megan and I have found that our minds are different.’
‘How would you like to be really alone as I am?’
‘You and Grandpa are together.’
‘Yes, that is what has to be said of me, a man with wives and children — a man with a wife and family.’
‘Isn’t it a good thing for you to be with him?’
‘Yes, indeed it is, my dear old father! It is the thing that binds me to life.’
‘I suppose he must die before long.’
‘Don’t speak of it,’ said Cassius, putting his hand to his face, as though to ward off a danger, and sending his eyes to his wife behind it. ‘I could only wish to follow him.’
Chapter 11
‘Ah, Miss Bennet, we see you,’ said Halliday. ‘Open the door and come in to us. You must hear it all before you are at peace. Come in; we understand it.’
Bennet seemed to wander to the table and stood absently fingering it.
‘So nothing really happened,’ she said, the words seeming to fall of themselves from her lips.
Ainger, who was string with his chin on his hand, lifted his eyes.
‘Nothing is not the word I should use,’ he said, and let them fall.
‘Neither should I,’ said Halliday. ‘We need a different one. It is a slur on the house, the master stooping to this.’