I saw surprise start to slide through Benny’s expression, but I didn’t stop to watch the whole show. Gus needed out of the kennel. I needed to give him a cuddle. I also needed donuts. I further needed my man to have donuts.
Only then would I deal with my family while I had someone at my back.
Fucking finally.
***
I had three donuts in my belly, only two that were powdered sugar, chocolate-cream-filled.
Ben was right. They ran out of those quickly and we got the last three. I loved my man so I sacrificed one for him. The third donut in my belly was a cinnamon twist, but I ate it first.
I was staring at my phone in my hand resting on the counter. I did this until I saw Benny slide a fresh cup of coffee on the counter beside my hand. This meant I did it the whole time he was topping off our cups.
I turned my head and lifted my eyes to his.
“I have no clue what to do,” I told him.
He finished taking a sip of coffee and replied, “Not surprised.”
“You’re not?”
“Nope.”
I guessed he wouldn’t be. There was so much to it, it was like a mountain that needed to be climbed without rope or those spiky things on your shoes.
“I don’t only have no clue what to do, I don’t even know where to start,” I shared.
Ben leaned a hip against the counter. “Not surprised about that either.”
“What would you do?” I asked.
“That’s the reason I’m not surprised,” he answered. “’Cause what I’d do is let them deal with their own shit. They made their beds, they can lie in them.”
I shook my head and protested, “But Davey just fell in love with my sister and got a shitload of problems in return.”
“And how is that him not makin’ his bed?”
I blinked.
Benny kept talking.
“If she pulled one over on him when they first got hooked up, I could get that. But he’s taken her ass back repeatedly after she let other guys tap it. That’s his decision. He needed to man up about five years ago. He didn’t. Now he’s in custody because he’s got no balls. That’s his problem. What I don’t get is why you or Cat would make it yours.”
“He’s family and he’s a nice guy,” I explained.
“Yeah, he’s a nice guy, but he’s a weak man,” Ben returned. “The second part of that is not on you. It’s on him. Their relationship has been cruisin’ toward disaster in one form or another since they got together. Frankly, I’m relieved that when it blew up, it did it this way rather than takin’ other people down with it.”
“But he’s been arrested!” I snapped.
Ben leaned into me. “Not. Your. Problem.”
“Do you think it’s that simple?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” he answered.
“Then what about Chrissy and Domino?” I pushed.
He leaned back. “Babe, she hooked her star to a man old enough to be her father.”
“That’s judgmental,” I informed him sharply, and his brows drew together.
“How?”
“You can’t control who you fall in love with.”
“Nope,” he stated. “And love may be blind, but anybody’s gotta guard against bein’ stupid. He had one marriage decades ago, a string of women in between that didn’t work, children he barely saw, and when he did, they fought like teenagers and got their asses kicked out. If she didn’t see all the writing on that wall, again, that isn’t your problem.”
“A baby is mixed up in that, Ben,” I reminded him.
“Yeah. And she let a man his age with his history knock her up. Again, not your problem.”
I put my phone on the counter and my hands on my hips. “That baby is my sister.”
He held my eyes a moment before he muttered, “That might be our problem.”
“Right,” I hissed.
“Though,” he went on, “I haven’t seen you showin’ me picture after picture she texted you of your new sister, and I haven’t heard you talk about all the invitations to get to know her that you couldn’t accept ’cause you live too far away.”
“I have a feeling Chrissy might have been more involved with bein’ a new mom and dealin’ with my dad,” I returned sarcastically.
“I figure your feelin’ is right. Still. Doesn’t cancel out what I said,” he retorted.
“Every human being has to have compassion and try to be understanding, and that goes double for people who share your blood,” I shot back.
Suddenly, I had Benny’s hand curled around the side of my neck. He used it to pull me toward him as he dipped his head down so his face was close to mine.
“And that’s why I love you so fuckin’ much,” he declared, and when he did and the way he did, his voice not deep and easy but rough with feeling, I felt my breath catch.
He wasn’t done.
“Not because you’re crazy-beautiful. Not because you’re fuckin’ great in bed. Not because I like the way you dress, do your hair, turn yourself out to go walk the dog like most women would to go to a club. Not because you make me laugh and you don’t take my shit. Not because you wanna organize my office and can make even tuna casserole taste spectacular. Because of all that and the fact you give a shit about everybody. Even people who don’t deserve it. You give enough of a shit that you put yourself out there for them. You feel deep. You give everything you got. And the best part of all that, you got a lot to give and you give most of it to me.”
I stared into his eyes that were burning into mine, feeling his words burrow into me, digging deep, planting themselves inside in a way that I knew I’d not only remember them forever, I’d remember how I felt right that moment for the rest of my life.
“So, you gotta wade into this shit,” he continued, “do it. It’s gonna piss you off and that’s gonna piss me off, but I’m here for you to rant at and I’m here to make the decision when you’re done takin’ their shit. So, babe, you gotta wade in, make your first call. My advice: Chrissy. Nat and Davey are adults and should know by now how to sort their own shit or wallow in it. Chrissy’s got a new baby and she’s probably freaked.”
I didn’t nod, lift my phone, and call Chrissy.
I asked, “Do you know why I love you?”
The intensity of his eyes changed. It didn’t fade, it kept burning strong, just the emotion behind it shifted.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Because I’m awesome.”
“No,” I whispered. “Because you’re everything a man should be.”
His fingers at my neck gripped tighter as his lips murmured, “Jesus.”
“For the first time in my life, the words ‘I love you’ aren’t strong enough,” I told him.
He pulled me an inch closer and ordered, “Stop talking, Frankie.”
I didn’t stop talking. He needed to hear what I had to say.
No.
He deserved to hear it.
“You saved me. Not just when I got shot. When I got shot and you carried me out of there and got me to a place where they could fix me and then you didn’t give up on me. Instead, you gave me family. You showed me it was okay to be me. You gave me you. You gave me everything.”
“Shut it, Frankie.”
“I lost your brother and it broke me. If I ever lost you, I wouldn’t be able to go on.”
I heard Benny’s coffee mug hit the counter before he lifted his other hand, put it to my neck, and slid both back and into my hair as he tilted his forehead to rest on mine, his eyes now scorching with a depth of feeling he let me read.
Then he said, “Francesca, do not say that shit.”
I ignored him and kept going. “I’d breathe. I’d eat. I might one day laugh again. But I wouldn’t be living. There is no life for me without you.”
He was done telling me to shut it and I knew this when his head slanted, his fingers dug into my scalp, and his mouth landed hard on mine. His lips opened, mine did the same, his tongue thrust inside, and I wrapped my arms tight around him, pressing close, tipping my head back to give him more. To give him everything. To use that kiss to show him every word I said was true. To make him feel it. Believe it. All in a way he’d never forget it.