I stared down at my coffee, letting my mind empty for once as I looked internally to the darkness. It seemed to speak to me, begging me to let it loose. It wanted, needed something, but I didn't know what. I turned my mind away and looked out the window right as Andrei walked passed. I froze as I watched him, my heart beating heavily in my chest.
He stopped outside the window, and the look he sent me seemed to freeze me in place. It was cold, almost frigid in its intensity. There was no warmth in his gaze, no heat, none of the fire that I had become so used to seeing. He was the polar opposite, like instead of looking at someone he almost kissed, he was looking at the enemy.
Another piece of me died in that moment. I was slowly losing myself, losing everything that mattered to me. I was becoming lost within the darkness. Would anyone even care? Or would they just lock me up in some asylum, away from the world, a best forgotten memory.
I looked away from those chilling eyes that used to hold me captive so easily. I watched as his shadow passed by and didn't look up as I heard the store's door open. He said all he needed to in that one look. I didn't know why he changed, but in that moment I didn't think it would matter. He wasn't the only one who had changed.
“What did you do?” I looked up into Rose's enraged eyes. Looks like I was going to lose everyone today.
“Nothing. I did nothing.”
She crossed her arms, her eyes staring daggers into me. “You sure in the hell did something! I haven't seen Mom this quiet in years! All she told me was that you were here then walked away. What the fuck, Star?”
“Look, I already said sorry to your Mom, okay? I didn't mean to snap on her. I was just tired of not being able to get a word in.” I shot back. Her anger was no match for mine.
“You know how she is! You should have just nodded and walked away after she was done rambling! Do you know what you could have done?” Her emerald eyes were lit up like green fire. At that point I knew that she wasn't just angry, she was furious and scared.
I shot out of the chair and stood toe to toe with her. I wouldn't be cowed down by her. I'd had enough of people's shit for one day and didn't need anything else from her. “Yes, I know fully well what I could have done,” a bitter laugh escaped me as I thought about what could have happened if the darkness broke loose, “you, on the other hand, have no fucking idea. Just stay away from me, Rose. All of you should just stay away.”
I moved past her, knocking her out of the way with my shoulder.
“What happened to your face, Star? Your parents finally get tired of your shit?”
I froze and turned to look back at her. “Yes, actually, that's exactly what happened.” The shock that crossed her face was almost priceless. She wasn't expecting to be right.
“God, Star. I'm so—”
“Don't. Just don't, okay?” I turned and walked away, leaving her to stare after me.
I almost made it to the door when Andrei stepped in front of me. God, why now?
“Did they really hit you?” he asked. There wasn't any concern in his voice, no compassion. It was empty, and flat.
I shot a glare at him. Even though his face didn't show any warmth to me, I was still attracted to him. For a moment I was tempted to throw myself into his arms and sob while he held me. But he wouldn't hold me. I knew that. “What does it matter to you?”
He looked at me for a moment, then seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts. He flashed a cruel smile my way and stepped back. “Yeah, it doesn't matter.” That simple statement seemed to pierce through me to my very core. I rushed passed him and out into the chilly afternoon before the first tear fell.
I was aimlessly driving again when my phone rang. I grabbed it from the passenger seat and answered without looking to see who it was.
“Yeah.”
“Starlette?” I cringed. It was James.
“Yeah, it's me. What's up?”
“You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.” There was a no nonsense quality to his voice. Mom must have called. Great.
“Look, today is really not a good day.”
“All the more reason for you to come in.”
I rolled my eyes as I weaved effortlessly down side streets. “No, it's not. It's more like ‘you wouldn't want me to yell at you’ kind of things.”
“If you yell, that's fine. We're supposed to be working on your emotions anyways. That's what this is all about, helping you work through your feelings.”
“Well I'm pretty sure I know what my feelings are, so no need.”
“Be here in five minutes or I'll come looking for you.”
I stared at my phone as he hung up. He couldn't be serious. Well, he probably was. I threw my phone back onto the seat and turned around. Looks like there was another stop today. Why not just ruin everything in one fell swoop?
I stormed past the receptionist again. She barely spared me a glance. I slammed the door behind me and fell down into my chair. “Well, I'm here. Now what?”
He looked up at me, and for once he wasn't working on his laptop. “We're going to finish today.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Seriously? This last session and that's it?” This was too easy.
He laughed and eased back in his chair. “No, not with the sessions. Rather we're going to finish talking about Becca today.”
My heart stopped. Over the past few months we've been talking about my emotions and how I've felt about everything. I thought he had let go of talking about Becca. Apparently, I was wrong.
“What do you mean? I already told you everything. How we became enemies, how I came to be here.” I shrugged, forcing my body to relax. The darkness was like background music to me now. The pulsing energy almost like a lullaby. I didn't know whether or not it was a good thing that it was completely merging with me. Or maybe I was merging with it.
“True, you've told me all of that, but you never actually told me what happened that day. Why you were almost arrested.”
I shifted in my seat. “Why does it matter to you anyways?”
“Because it's my job and I'm one of the people that actually care about you.”
I laughed at that. Care. Yeah, sure they do. “Whatever. I think I'm done with everyone’s care.”
“Is that what happened to your face? Someone caring a little too much?”
“What the fuck is with everyone today? This is my face, my life, and my problems. Everyone just needs to keep their fucking noses out of it.” The darkness rose, beckoning to consume me. I went to it willingly.
He stared at me while I felt the change within me. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I was so tired of being scared. If the darkness wanted me so badly then it could have me.
“Star— what happened to Becca?”
I sat up straight and smiled. Embracing the darkness was almost freeing. “Do you know what today is?” My question caught him off guard, startling him out of his serious demeanor.
“Yes, it's the second of November.”
“That's right.” I nodded and smiled brighter. “And what happens on the third of November?”
“I don't know Star, what happens?”
“I turn eighteen. And do you know how I'm going to celebrate that?”
His frown deepened as he leaned forward. “Star, you don't want to do anything you'd end—”
“Oh just for once shut up! All you do is sit there and make me face things that are better left forgotten! But do you listen to me? No! You think this is helping, well it's not! It's getting worse! All of it is fucking getting worse and I'm tempted, oh so tempted, to give into the darkness you have no—”
“Darkness? Star, what are—”
“What am I talking about?” I stood up and started laughing again. This wasn't regular laughter, nothing about this was funny. “See, all this time you haven't been listening. None of you do. You want to know what happened to Becca. Everyone wants to know what happened to Becca.” I was becoming manic now, talking faster and faster. My heart beat erratically against my ribs, almost painfully.