Mallory’s ledger for Alice tracks the flow of resources from her to him. It tracks issues she appears to be sensitive to. Alleged crimes she has committed, that he can use as leverage. Often when he talks to Alice it is to try new accusations, and revisit old ones to see if they still work.
You can see that this ledger is not negotiated. Alice cannot get Mallory to change by being happy, nor angry. Her social instincts work against her.
This bond can last years, even a lifetime. Seen from the outside, it is incomprehensible and immoral. Yet it seems an inevitable consequence of the social accounting instincts. Evolution doesn’t try to make everyone happy. It plays the averages. If 10% suffer so 90% can thrive, so be it.
Yet there are clear ways to escape this bond, no matter what stage it is in. I will come to this later. The suffering is only inevitable as long as Alice believes Mallory to be sincere.
Stockholm Syndrome
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man." — Mark Twain
The third trigger is parental abuse.
As Mark Twain observed, the more someone invests in us, the less we value them. A visible effort by the other person diminishes them in our eyes. If a dominant man is generous to a submissive man, he creates a challenger. The submissive male sees the dominant male as weak and needy. Instead of affection, he feels antagonism and rebellion. This is our ancient primate mind at work, fighting its way up the group hierarchy.
Parental abuse triggers the opposite effect. It is the bond that children have with abusive parents. Mistreatment comes in many forms. It can come as verbal, emotional, or physical violence. It can come as physical confinement. It can be negligence of basic needs. It can be disregard for social cues and needs. We would expect children of abuse to hate and detest their parents. Instead, they tend to bond hard. They identify with their parents, defend them, excuse them, and follow them. The bond only breaks, if ever, when the children are adults.
The evolutionary benefits of responding like this are clear. To survive in an abusive family, a child must accept the abuse. To rebel is to starve. More, the child must push the worst of it onto his or her siblings. That means being the most enthusiastic defender, the first to comply.
To provoke the parental abuse response, Mallory pushes Bob towards childishness. When we think like juveniles, we respond like juveniles. We abandon our ledgers and social accounting. We do not negotiate. We submit, or we flee. Mallory has diverse tools to push Bob into this state. I’ll cover them in Attack and Captur.
The parental abuse trigger is the basis for Stockholm Syndrome. That is the affection hostages feel for their kidnappers.
The mechanism at work is one of dominance and submission. When an individual tells us to do favors for them, we have several choices. We can comply or refuse. These are both submissive responses. We can also assert dominance by ignoring or mocking them. We can avoid the question by walking away. We can comply while mocking, which is a mixed response.
If we do comply, we accept dominance and we then feel attachment. It is not just favors. If an individual mistreats us, we again have the same possible responses. Ignore them, mock them, walk away, or accept. If we accept mistreatment, we accept dominance.
The worse the mistreatment, the stronger the dominance trigger, and the stronger the attachment.
Mallory is demanding with everyone she feels is under her spell. She puts on her anger mask at the slightest excuse. The verbal and emotional abuse she heaps on Bob can be astonishing.
Isolation Attacks
Our oldest defense against predators of any species is other people. When we have trouble with someone, our first instinct is often, "discuss with others." When we keep our problems private, from isolation, or fear, it usually gets worse.
It is only through other people that we can understand the world. We may think of ourselves as clever individuals, yet that is self-flattery. We are only clever in groups. It is so easy for Mallory to lure people in. He spins them a fantasy, and sells it with promises, lies, threats, and half-truths. No-one is immune from such attacks, except other psychopaths.
As Mallory blasts Alice with exaggerated triggers, she loses her sense of normality. When she explains her life to others, they will tell her "this is not normal." She may be stubborn, so such advice can wash off. Yet it can be the voice of reason that saves her. It just takes one person who recognizes Mallory’s true character.
So Mallory must separate Alice from the people she trusts and depends on. He does this through a series of "isolation attacks." He creates a bubble environment that he controls. He levers Alice into this environment. He keeps her isolated within it, so she cannot get help.
We see this pattern over and over. It can be one person controlling another. It can be a company asset-stripping its staff. A cult swindling its members. Mallory has many faces.
❂ First, Mallory creates a bubble environment. In a couple, this will be "our new apartment." In a start-up, this will be "the new offices." In a cult, this will be "our new education center." The bubble looks and feels like home. It lacks the critical part of any home: real family.
❂ Next, Mallory convinces Alice to move into the bubble. The further she moves from friends and family, the better for Mallory. The move is Alice’s investment. It makes it harder for her to talk to others.
❂ Now, Mallory starts to cut Alice’s links to other people, one by one. He’ll sow distrust by telling Alice stories of what people said about her. He’ll create conflicts, and make Alice believe everyone hates her. While he is doing this, he will charm her family and friends. No-one will imagine Alice is in trouble.
When Mallory moves to isolate Alice, the stakes have risen high. This is the point where the young person leaves home, into the arms of a child abuser. This is where your brother packs a bag and moves into the cult compound. This is when the young couple announce they are moving in together. This is how the wealthy husband leaves his wife for a younger, prettier woman.
It is always a shock to friends and family. Alice abandons them for an unknown adventure. She uses passionate language. "Destiny!" she says, when people ask "why?" Mallory is discrete, charming, plausible.
If Alice was sober and able to listen, I’d try to warn her. Keep your assets out of the relationship at all costs, I’d say. Define boundaries and protect them with force if you must. Keep your friends and family close. Avoid physical vulnerability. Please don’t trust Mallory, he is not what he seems to be.
Yet when Alice is moving in, it is already too late by months. You cannot treat addicts with logic. If there is a clear example of temporary insanity, this phase is it. Perhaps a dose of Clozapine or some other dopamine blocker[44] would help.
Exploring in Safety
Reading this, you may ask how to avoid Mallory, and escape if she does decide you look interesting.
Locking yourself in a room is a poor option. People do try this. I do not recommend it. At the same time, if you walk among strangers, you will meet Mallory, over and over. It is as inevitable as day and night.