Our relationships are rarely strong enough to survive deliberate attack. I once knew a man who’s job it was to recruit experts. He didn’t wait for people to answer ads. Instead, he just called a business. He chatted to the receptionist and asked, "can I speak to your best <whatever>?" He would get through. Then he would ask the expert the key question. "Would you change jobs for a promotion and a raise in salary?"
Once upon a time a small software firm called Borland made the best software in the world. They made compilers, spreadsheets and databases. They threatened Microsoft’s business. Microsoft responded not by making their own software better and cheaper. Instead they hired away Borland’s key staff, one by one. The dying firm sued, then settled and was then swallowed up piece-meal, for peanuts.
People asked, at the time, how Borland’s staff could be so disloyal. Yet it was easy, and cheap. Send limousines, offer million-dollar signing bonuses. Make it clear that the number of seats is limited. If you don’t join us, your junior colleague will, and one day you will beg to work for him or her.
There are so many ways to create conflict between people, no matter how close. Psychopaths excel in doing this, if they can see both parties and get a sense of each.
Here are some ways Mallory discourages Bob from an independent social life:
❂ Showing violent jealousy when he speaks to someone of the opposite gender. It’s love, right?
❂ Reporting others plotting against him, with convincing detail. Of course they deny it. That just goes to prove.
❂ Forcing Bob to spend so much time on other tasks that he neglects his social life. It is all about priorities.
❂ Accusing Bob’s family of prejudice and a hateful attitude. They never understood him, never accepted his choices.
❂ Hinting that Bob’s colleagues are getting unfair promotions or earning more than him. She’s obviously sleeping with the boss.
❂ Showing flashes of "crazy" to Bob’s acquaintances so they learn to stay away.
❂ Encouraging Bob to change his behavior and act weird, so others start to avoid him. Here’s a new shirt I bought you. Bright colors suit you!
❂ Forcing a move to a new city or country where Bob knows no-one. We have to move, it’s best for my studies. We’ll be together :)
❂ Criticizing Bob so he loses the confidence needed to make new friends. Your friends say you’re overweight, so you might want to wear baggy clothes.
If Mallory is an organization, most of these tactics still work:
❂ Did you go for a job interview with another firm? That’s treachery… You’re fired!
❂ Every quarter we expect you to rank your colleagues. Oh, and they will rank you.
❂ Yes, we expect you to work evenings and weekends. Other people want your position.
❂ You need to explain to your wife how important your work is. Make her understand.
❂ Employee grade levels and salary data are secret. You negotiate alone.
❂ Next Saturday is team building day. Your voluntary presence is mandatory.
❂ You’re going on a two week intolerance awareness program.
❂ Good news, you’re promoted. How do you feel about moving across country?
❂ Your peer ranking for the last quarter was 20% lower than average.
If Bob insists on an independent social life, Mallory creates a crisis. In a couple, she packs her bags and walks out. A group threatens its non-compliant member with expulsion. "Imagine if you lose this job, and your health benefits. Do you want to risk that?" This is usually enough to break Bob’s resistance. Bob is so lost, so in love, so addicted to Mallory that he will do anything to get her back. If swallowing her persecution complex is what it takes, so be it.
The Uphill Struggle
There is the ancient Greek myth of Sisyphus, whom Zeus sentenced to forever pushing a rock up a mountain. Every time he got near the top, the rock would slip out of his grip and roll back to the bottom.
At the heart of every psychopathic relationship is a Sisyphean Mountain. The victim or victims push their heavy rocks up this mountain. The rocks always slip and roll back to the bottom.
This is part of the Narrative: work harder and your life may improve. If you aren’t in a great place today, it’s because you’re not trying hard enough. Yet no matter how hard Bob tries, that rock keeps slipping out of his grasp.
Go into almost any large business and you will see a Sisyphean Mountain, rising up. Cathedrals where the elites sit high and the masses toil in the lower levels. Work hard, says the Narrative, and you may rise and rise. In reality, no. That is not how it works. You will fall off, and it will be your fault.
We also see a great deal of Sisyphean Mountain propaganda in our media. It shows beautiful people, expensive lifestyles, desirable sexual partners, large homes, frequent luxury travel. This represents the top of the mountain. We are then encouraged to climb this mountain, at all costs. The 2015 movie Entourage is a prime example.
We take such organizations and cultural models as the norm, and yet they are predatory, and psychopathic.
Follow the Money
Here is some advice for those seeking a partner, a new job, a new client or supplier. If you don’t enjoy a meeting with someone, wait before calling them back. Either you feel happy and content and snug with them, or you don’t. After a date, interview, or business meeting, we often ask the wrong questions. We ask, "are they the right person for me?" Or, "will she sleep with me on our next date?" Or, "will they pay me enough?" Or "does he like me?"
The correct question is: "did that moment make me happier or not?" Keep asking this question over time. Your first dates with Mallory will almost always be fun. It takes time for the pain to emerge.
Back to Alice, who is pushing her rock up that mountain. Mallory goads her on with comments about her lack of style, and weight. She is so focused on her rock that she does not see what is happening to her world.
Psychopaths are often mysterious until you look at the economics of the relationship. Then it usually becomes as clear as a deer halfway down a boa’s mouth. The predator feeds. This means taking resources from Alice until she is empty. This is the core of the relationship, as far as Mallory cares.
It is often about money, time, or sex. Yet the range of resources Mallory may in fact be taking from Alice is quite broad:
❂ Mallory will use people as cover. An organization will recruit people to boost its numbers. This projects a more solid and trustworthy image to potential targets. The recruits may believe they are getting a good job or a path to paradise. Yet they are fodder for whatever insane projects the organization comes up with. Many psychopaths will marry and have children. This screen of normality makes their hunting easier.
❂ Mallory will use people for sexual gratification. This gives a sense of power. I believe this is more common for male psychopaths (using women and/or men). It is rarely rape, since half the kick for Mallory is to get his target to say "yes". Yet it often skirts close to rape[46]. Robert Hare has estimated that 50% of serial rapists are psychopaths.
❂ Mallory will ask for money, slowly yet obsessively. Mallory might target his wife’s life savings. It comes as hints, pleas, manipulations against her family, requests for help to start a small business, then losses, and the need for more. If he makes modest demands then he follows with immodest ones. In business, a corrupt startup may ask its investors for more funds to avoid bankruptcy. The total over time will be huge and crippling.