In theory, personality disorders like borderline are treatable with medication and therapy. In practice, that does not work well, or at all. It is the same for diagnosed psychopaths (those with "anti-social personality disorder"). Therapy just seems to make them more skilled at manipulating people.
What can work is to limit and work to repair the damage that psychopaths do. Like bullies at school, psychopaths do not suffer from depression. It is family, friends, and colleagues who pay the cost. Once you see the process behind the psychopaths' impact craters, you can intervene.
Intervention is not simple. To deal with people who have spent their lives charming, manipulating, and bullying others is by default impossible. If you try to warn a group, you will find yourself blamed. If you try to warn individuals, you will find them turning against you. You must move slowly, carefully, and with the right knowledge.
So this book focuses on that process, how to recognize it, how it works, and how to disable it.
I’m not a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. I cannot argue from authority. What I can do is develop models and test them on the psychopaths I have access to. I can test them against unusual situations from the past. And I can test them through other people who find themselves entangled with psychopaths.
I’ve spent years reading the literature, forums, books, articles. Anything that can shine a light on this mystery of these strange fellow humans, and how they work. I’ve talked to hundreds of people about the topic. That includes psychologists who specialize in abuse, and developmental disorders. It includes people who have survived abusive partners. People who have tried to kill themselves to escape. People whose parents were abusive and fit the profile of psychopaths.
I’ve used these models to build gardens of sanity in my personal and professional lives. Those who work with me know that our on-line communities are above all happy places. This is no accident. It comes from long, careful work to keep bad actors at bay.
As far as possible I’ve worked from repeated observations, verifiable research, and consensus. I’ve stayed away from speculation and opinion for its own sake. Having said that, I do tell a lot of stories and some are more fantastic than others. This is necessary. My experience has told me there are deep, important problems to solve here. For myself, my friends and my family, I wanted to solve these problems.
In "All Life is Problem Solving," Karl Popper wrote:
Science begins with problems. It attempts to solve them through bold, inventive theories. The great majority of theories are false and/or untestable. Valuable, testable theories will search for errors. We try to find errors and eliminate them. This is science: it consists of wild, often irresponsible ideas that it places under the strict control of error correction.
Please look for errors in my wild, irresponsible ideas, and work with me to replace or correct them. I’ve avoided jargon and innuendo. A clearly expressed idea is easier to critique. We can never reach truth, only discover better approximations to it. Sometimes that takes large leaps and informed guesses. Sometimes we must be willing to think in unorthodox directions. I make many hypotheses, and state them as if they are facts. I apologize in advance for that style. I apologize also for the speculation that I’ve gotten wrong. I hope the parts which turn out to be right make it worthwhile.
Embracing the Past
If your ex-partner might have been a psychopath, this book will bring back memories. It will cause you to feel strong emotions. You may want to avoid reading it, to avoid reliving your experiences. This is a common and understandable reaction. The dominant opinion about trauma is that re-thinking our experiences stops the healing process.
Yet to avoid is to be helpless. And helplessness leads us to depression. I have talked for hundreds of hours with other survivors of psychopathic relationships. I’ve listened to their stories of endless emotional bullying, deceit, manipulation, theft. I’ve shared my own stories. And I’ve told the stories that I tell in this book. What psychopaths are. How they think. Where they get their power. What they look like. And most of all, how to fight back.
Our experiences are all so similar. It is as if every psychopath on Earth read the same handbook. When I talk about psychopaths with a new group, at least a quarter of them light up. "You’re speaking of my ex," they say. I explain how I learned to deal with such people, past and present. "You should write a book," they tell me. "I’m doing that," I reply.
My advice is to embrace your past. Don’t avoid it. Confront it and understand it. Then use that new knowledge to become a stronger, happier person. This is why I wrote this book. I wanted to explain psychopathy in a positive way. Not that psychopaths are nice people. They are as nice as a nail through the hand. Yet if you can get to the end of this book, I promise you a picture of psychopathy that changes everything.
Predator
"Human predators populate our society"
The Plundered Pilot
Keith is talking to a man in the corner of the room. I’ve known Keith for ages, so I go to say hi. He’s agitated, stressed. It’s not like him. He’s always been a calm man, confident and quiet. He owns a plane, a little Cessna. He does small commercial gigs, takes tourists over the Grand Canyon. When he gets something extra, he puts it aside. "One day I’m going to buy our ranch," he tells me. Keith and Alexis, and their retirement dream.
"Hey Keith, how’s it going?" I ask. The other man sits there, says nothing. Dark curls, Shaded glasses. Good suit, heavy gold watch. Keith shakes his head and shoulders in anger. "Fine! It’s going fine!" he tells me. "Now can you please leave us alone? Please?"
I’m shocked. I’ve never seen him like this. "Sure, catch you later," I tell him, and go back to my place at the bar. I watch them. They’re arguing about something. The man shrugs, talks. He’s quiet and intense. Keith calms down, stop shaking his head. He’s nodding now. The small drama ends with them shaking hands. Keith signs a piece of paper. The man folds it, puts it in his jacket pocket, stands, leaves. I wait a minute, then take my drink and sit across from Keith.
"Mind if I sit?" I ask him, already sitting. It’s our running joke. He looks at me, not laughing, and sighs. "What was that?" I ask, still somewhat annoyed at him for sending me away before. "Nothing," he says, "Business." He changes the subject, asks about my kids. We chat for a while. He’s distant, skinnier, hasn’t shaved. I want to ask more about the guy in the suit. Then I don’t. No need to stir the pot, right?
That’s the last time I see Keith. Two weeks later I get a funeral card from Alexis. His widow. I call her immediately. Keith is dead. He crashed his plane. No passengers, just him. I’m lost for words. "So sorry." It’s all I can say. Keith?
The investigator finds the plane had no technical problems. It didn’t hit anything. The skies were clear. So he rules it a suicide. Keith crashed on purpose. No insurance for Alexis. The worst part is Keith cleared out their joint savings account. And just a few days before I saw him. Over $180,000 gone, no explanation.