❂ Label your digital copies, and keep them safe and backed-up. You can use a cloud service like Dropbox though be paranoid about your passwords.
❂ Assume that Mallory is more paranoid than you, and will guess when you are recording him. You can turn this to your favor. He tends to behave much better when he thinks others are watching.
Going to court is an extreme and rare outcome. The main value in collecting evidence is more banal. As you build a file on Mallory, two things happen. First, you feel your power returning, and Mallory’s power weakening. Mallory also feels it. Second, you begin to understand Mallory’s deceptions as they are happening. You begin to learn his patterns. You can predict his next moves.
Providing Subtitles
Over time you have learned Mallory’s patterns. You will start to predict her behavior. By explaining what is going on, and predicting what will happen next, you can stay grounded, and help others. You reduce the risk of getting caught in old narratives. I call this "providing subtitles."
Mallory acts like a chaos machine. She seems to show mad mood swings. She will be calm and relaxed one day, vicious and paranoid the next. It can look like a disorder. Anyone who sees this and isn’t familiar with it will ask, "what drugs is she on?"
The simplest explanation isn’t drug abuse nor a mental disorder. What seems like instability comes from two main factors. First, she gets into schemes and plots that she keeps hidden from you. If she appears calm it’s because her focus is somewhere else. When these schemes turn sour, as they often do, she attacks anyone who gets in her way. That will be you.
Second, she responds to displays of weakness with aggression. And what social humans consider "being nice," Mallory considers "being weak." She also responds to anger with fury. Mallory responds to any display of emotion with her predator emotions.
This creates chaotic feedback cycles so that there is no stability. This sounds terrible, and it can be. Yet we can now predict the weather, from day to day. By warning others in your group, you help them take distance when the inevitable happens.
As you see Mallory manipulate others, you can explain:
❂ She’s making promises she has no intention of keeping. She wants you to be off your guard. Get ready for the inevitable excuses.
❂ She’s said something tangible. It is a lie. She’s hiding something or trying to confuse you. Make a note, and we’ll see the lie exposed later.
❂ She’s making accusations. She’s afraid of something and is attacking as cover. Note her accusations, she’s talking about herself without realizing it.
❂ She’s asked for something small. She’s nudging you to face the right way. If you give it to her, she’ll attack you and demand a larger service.
❂ She’s making threats of retribution. She’s pushing you to do what she wants. She’s bluffing. Note it, and you’ll see. She won’t dare. Her threats are things she is afraid of.
❂ She’s intimidating you with verbal abuse and lies about your behavior. She’s trying to make you afraid and insecure. Don’t let your fear control you.
❂ She’s playing nice, offering attention and gifts. She is trying to make someone else jealous. She wants something from you. Refuse the gifts. Tomorrow she’ll be abusive again.
❂ She thinks you are against her. She will try to intimidate you with a violent monologue. Then she will make peace and offer you a token present. Then she will demand that you do things for her. Then she will ignore you again.
A good subtitle explains Mallory’s motivations and makes predictions about the outcome. The listener can then use this to build their own model of Mallory’s behavior. You cannot assume everyone has read this book.
Create Consequences
As you begin to inhibit and disable him, Mallory becomes more hostile. He realizes what you are doing, and guesses the worst. He is paranoid. He decides you are a real threat, and so he attacks you.
He starts to slander you with detailed stories of your crimes. When he tells these stories to an unaware audience, they believe him. You find people upset with you for mysterious reasons.
In extreme and rare cases Mallory accuses you of criminal acts. He gives the police detailed statements to try to incriminate you. You find yourself questioned. Such accusations and situations are frightening. Yet most police forces do not give unsubstantiated accusations much weight. There are troubling exceptions in some regions. A woman’s claim of abuse against a man may be taken as "true by definition" in some places. Be aware of this risk.
You must expect such attacks and remain calm if they happen. Take it as a sign of progress. The stakes are rising, and Mallory is taking more risks.
Material evidence is your insurance. You have proof that Mallory is a consistent liar. You have proof that he is a persistent rule breaker.
Your next action is to teach Mallory one simple lesson. It is: if he misbehaves, you will create consequences for him.
Keep in mind that Mallory has no fear of punishment or authority. He has always charmed and lied his way out of trouble. "You will get into trouble" is not a significant threat. He bluffs when he makes threats, and if you make a threat he assumes you are bluffing too.
So you must act, not threaten. You must create a cost for Mallory, and prove that you can and will repeat this as long as needed. The cost must always be a consequence of his behavior. That leaves him the choice of actions.
The consequence that hurts Mallory the most is exposure. Yet recall what I said about shouting "psychopath." Do not diagnose. Provide others with concrete evidence, and let them reach their own conclusions. Let them think of others they’ve known in the past. Let them paint Mallory with their own dark memories.
When you respond, do so with care and provide the minimal material evidence needed. It is tempting to make a dramatic exposure that will discredit Mallory for once and for all. This is a bad idea. It will not be over in one go. Play only the cards that you must, to win each round. Keep Mallory guessing and paranoid.
If you have evidence of criminal acts, do speak with a lawyer. You may be assisting a crime if you do not report what you know. As always, do your research and try to talk with other people in your situation.
Liberation Day
The next stage is to take back control of your life from Mallory. Then you must end the relationship. If you see Mallory as an occupying power, this is the invasion and liberation. It can get messy. It will take time and patience. Yet this is how you regain your power, and heal.
Let me break down Terminate into separate actions. Each of these gives you more power and independence:
❂ Control your emotions. Mallory uses terror tactics to keep you silent and compliant. You learn to recognize your emotions and not let them control you. I covered this in detail in The Dance of Emotions.
❂ Regain control. Mallory likes to steer conversations and interactions, getting you to react. You turn this around so that you decide when to talk, about what, and for how long.
❂ Build alliances. Mallory works by dividing people and conquering them one by one. You create a united front among all those affected, to take power back from Mallory.