Not very logical, is it? It was logical to me. Mary shouldn't have done it.
I was through, I was finished. They could go ahead with Operation Parasite without me; I'd had it. I owned a cabin up in the Adirondacks; I had enough stuff there in deep freeze to carry me for years-well, a year, anyhow. I had plenty of tempus pills and could get more; I would go up there and use them-and the world could save itself, or go to hell, without me.
If anyone came within a hundred yards of me, he would either show a bare back or be burned down.
Chapter 11
I had to tell somebody about it and Doris was the goat. It may have been classified information but I did not give a hoot. It turned out that Doris knew all about Operation Parasite; there was no reason to try to keep any part of it secret. The trouble was to make it not a secret-but I am ahead of myself.
Doris was indignant-shucks, she was sore as a boiled owl. She had dressed what they had done to me. Of course, as a nurse, she had dressed a lot worse, but this had been done by our own people. I blurted out how I felt about Mary's part in it. "You know that old slaughterhouse trick," I asked her, "where they train one animal to lead the others in? That's what they got Mary to do to me."
She had not heard of it, but she understood me. "Do I understand you that you had wanted to marry this girl?"
"Correct. Stupid, ain't I?"
"All men are, about women-but that's not the point. It does not make any difference whether she wanted to marry you or not; her knowing that you wanted to marry her makes what she did about eight thousand times worse. She knew what she could do to you. It wasn't fair." She stopped massaging me, her eyes snapping. "I've never met your redhead, not yet-but if I ever do, I'll scratch her face!"
I smiled at her. "You're a good kid, Doris. I believe you would play fair with a man."
"Oh, I'm no angel, and I've pulled some fast ones in my time. But if I did anything halfway like that. I'd have to break every mirror I own. Turn a bit, and I'll get the other leg."
Mary showed up. The first I knew about it was hearing Doris say angrily, "You can't come in."
Mary's voice answered, "I'm going in. Try to stop me."
Doris squealed, "Stay where you are-or I'll pull that hennaed hair out by the roots!"
There was a short silence, sounds of a scuffle-and the smack! of someone getting slapped, hard. I yelled out, "Hey! What goes on?"
They appeared in the doorway together. Doris was breathing hard and her hair was mussed. Mary managed to look dignified and composed, but there was a bright red patch on her left cheek the size and shape of Doris's hand. She looked at me and ignored the nurse.
Doris caught her breath and said, "You get out of here. He doesn't want to see you."
Mary said, "I'll hear that from him."
I looked at them both, then said, "Oh, what the hell-Doris, she's here; I'll talk to her. I've got some things to tell her, in any case. Thanks for trying."
Doris waited a moment, then said, "You're a fool!" and flounced out.
Mary came over to the bed. "Sam," she said. "Sam."
"My name isn't 'Sam'."
"I've never known your right name."
I hesitated. It was no time to explain to her that my parents had been silly enough to burden me with 'Elihu'. I answered, "What of it? 'Sam' will do."
"Sam," she repeated. "Oh Sam, my dear."
"I am not your 'dear'."
She inclined her head. "Yes, I know that. I don't know why. Sam, I came here to find out why you hate me. Perhaps I can't change it, but I must know why."
I made some sound of disgust. "After what you did, you don't know why? Mary, you may be a cold fish, but you aren't stupid. I know; I've worked with you."
She shook her head. "Just backwards, Sam. I'm not cold, but I'm frequently stupid. Look at me, please-I know what they did to you. I know that you let it be done to save me from the same thing. I know that and I'm deeply grateful. But I don't know why you hate me. You did not have to do it, I did not ask you to do it, and I did not want you to do it."
I didn't answer; presently she said, "You don't believe me?"
I reared up on one elbow. "I believe you. I believe you have yourself convinced that that is how it was. Now I'll tell you how it was."
"Do, please."
"You sat down in that trick chair knowing that I would never let you go through with it. You knew that, whether that devious female mind of yours admitted it to itself or not. The Old Man could not have forced me into that chair, not with a gun, not even with drugs. But you could. You did. You were the one who forced me to go through with something which I would rather have been dead than touched... a thing that now leaves me dirty and spoiled. You did it."
She had grown steadily whiter as I talked, until her face was almost green against her hair. She caught her breath and said, "You believe that, Sam?"
"What else?"
"Sam, that is not the way it was. I did not know you were going to be in there. I was terribly startled. But there was nothing to do but go through with it; I had promised."
"'Promised'," I repeated. "That covers everything, a schoolgirl promise."
"Hardly a schoolgirl promise."
"No matter. And it doesn't matter whether you are telling the truth or not about knowing that I would be in there-you aren't, of course, but it doesn't matter. The point is: you were there and I was there-and you could figure what would happen if you did what you did do."
"Oh." She waited a bit, then went on, "That's the way it looks to you and I can't dispute the facts."
"Hardly."
She stood very still for a long time. I let her. Finally she said, "Sam-once you said something to me about wanting to marry me."
"I remember something of the sort. That was another day."
"I didn't expect you to renew the offer. But there was something else, a sort of corollary. Sam, no matter what you think of me, I want to tell you that I am deeply grateful for what you did for me. Uh, Miss Barkis is willing, Sam-you understand me?"
This time I grinned at her. "A female to the very end! Honest so help me, the workings of the female mind continue to delight and astound me. You always think you can cancel out the score and start over with that one trump play." I continued to grin at her while she turned red. "It won't work. Not this time. I won't inconvenience you by taking up your no-doubt generous offer."
She continued to blush but she came back at me in a steady, level voice, "I let myself in for that. Nevertheless, it's true. That-or anything else I can ever do for you."
My elbow was going to sleep; I sank back and lay down. "Sure, you can do something for me."
Her face lit up. "What?"
"Go away and quit bothering me. I'm tired." I turned my face away. I did not hear her leave, but I heard Doris come back in. She was bristling like a fox terrier; they must have passed in the hall. She faced me, fists on her hips, looking cute and adorable and very indignant. "She got around you, didn't she?"
"I don't think so."
"Don't lie to me. You went soft on her. I know-men always do. The idiots! A woman like that, all she has to do is shake her fanny at a man and he rolls over and plays dead."
"Well, I didn't. I gave her what for."
"You're sure you did?"
"I did-and sent her packing."
Doris looked doubtful. "I hope you did. Maybe you did-she wasn't looking too pert as she came out." She dismissed the matter. "How do you feel?"
"Pretty good"-it was a lie, net.
"Want some massage?"
"No, just come here and sit on the bed and talk to me. Want a cigarette?"
"Well-as long as the doctor doesn't catch me." She perched up on the bed; I struck cigarettes for both of us and stuck hers in her mouth. She took a deep drag, swelling out her chest and pushing her arrogant breasts against her halter almost to the breaking point. I thought again what a sweet dish she was; she was just what I needed to take my mind off Mary.