“Indeed not.”
“There is the Bishop of Winchester.”
“He might suspect. He is very perceptive.”
“There is, of course, the Duke of Bedford.”
“By great good luck he is in the country now. Things are going badly in France and he will be here in consultation with the Council. Gloucester has helped to make England’s position very grave indeed. I don’t know whether Bedford would have time to see you. He could hardly refuse, though, if you requested it. Moreover, he would be too preoccupied with affairs in France to worry much about your retirement from Court, I should imagine.”
“I will try to see Bedford.”
“That is the first thing. And in the meantime decide on the manor. Let it be small…remote from Court. We shall not want people continually calling.”
“Oh, Owen, I feel so much better. I did not realize how frightened I was.”
We clung together.
“We will come through this, my dearest,” said Owen. “Put your trust in me…and in God.”
THE SECRET MARRIAGE
I had always admired John, Duke of Bedford. Henry had been very fond of him. His most reliable brother, he had called him; and although perhaps he had loved Clarence more, he had always known that the elder brother was rash and inclined to envy him, whereas Bedford was the essence of loyalty and had always borne in mind Henry’s superior military skill, seeking to emulate him, certainly, but never giving way to envy.
He had aged considerably since I had last seen him. Keeping France in order was evidently a great strain. He was a brilliant administrator, stern, though just. My brother Charles, who was still called the Dauphin, was beginning to cause disruption in various parts of the country, and Bedford, laboring under the disadvantage of the waning friendship between himself and Burgundy, was hard pressed. Nevertheless he came to see me. He was very gallant and at the same time kindly.
He asked me how I was faring and if I felt a little happier now.
I replied that I felt better than I had expected. He bowed his head, thinking that I referred to the loss of Henry.
“I find it difficult to adjust myself to Court life,” I said.
“So many ceremonies,” he murmured. “And you must attend them without my brother. It brings back many memories, I doubt not, and it does not allow you to forget our loss.”
“How well you understand.”
“It was a great tragedy…the greatest tragedy which could have befallen us all…and you, his Queen, suffered most.”
There was another brief silence, then I said: “I trust, my lord, that you have been comforted.”
“I am fortunate in my marriage.”
Yes, I thought. To the sister of Burgundy. I had seen Anne once or twice, but I could not remember what she looked like. Fortunate indeed he had been to marry Burgundy’s sister. It made the straining link a little harder to break.
“Then I rejoice for you, my lord,” I said. “And I must not encroach on your time. I wanted to ask your advice.”
“I shall do my best to give it,” he replied.
“I was telling you that I find Court life irksome. I want to live more quietly. There are too many memories …”
He nodded.
“I have been thinking that…if I could retire to the country for a while, live the life of a simple country lady …”
“Would that not give you more time for brooding…nursing your sorrows?”
“I think I could interest myself in country pursuits. I should have a few of my ladies with me…those who are my friends. If I could get away…for a time…I feel I could begin a new way of life.”
“I see no reason why you should not. Henry would want you to find what comfort you could. His last words to me were of you.”
“I know. He was good to me.”
“Yes,” said Bedford. “Why not make a break? Have you any place in mind?”
“There is the manor of Hadham.”
“Hadham? That’s in Hertfordshire, I believe. It is very quiet there, I am sure.”
“It is quietness I seek.”
“Do you not think that a convent might be more to your taste?”
“Oh no…no. I should brood all the time. All I want is to live a peaceful life…without constant reminders.”
“Well then, I should say that Hadham is a good choice.”
“Do you think that if I retired there…my wishes to be left in peace would be respected?”
“I would see that they were.”
“My lord, you are so kind to me.”
“As I told you, when Henry died he asked me to care for you. He said you would be the most desolate creature on earth. I knew that that was so…and I gave him my word.”
I took his hand and kissed it; and he drew me to him and kissed me on the brow.
“I will do everything in my power now…and always…to follow his wishes. Go…go then to Hadham. I shall arrange that you shall live there free from disturbance.”
“I do not know how to thank you,” I said fervently.
I felt joyous when he had departed. I had successfully cleared the first hurdle.
· · ·
My next task was to prepare the household. Naturally I talked first to Guillemote.
When she was brushing my hair that night, I said: “Guillemote, we are going to Hadham.”
“Oh?” she replied. Then after a pause: “Well, that is a pleasant spot. Small…and quiet. I should think that would suit us very well.”
“We are going to make it suit us. My Lord Bedford has been persuaded that I should be allowed to spend a little time in retirement.”
She stared at me in amazement. “You…persuaded him?”
“Yes…that I needed to be alone. He thought I meant to mourn for Henry.”
“But it is years since the King died.”
“The Duke still mourns him. He thinks it is natural that I should still do so.”
“He does not know that you have other ideas.”
“Guillemote, the situation was desperate.”
She looked at me in astonishment, and understanding began to dawn in her eyes.
“No,” she murmured.
“Yes, Guillemote. I am going to have a child.”
“What will you do? How can you keep it?”
“I am going to, Guillemote…though as yet I do not know how.”
“Ah, Hadham,” she said, her mind working quickly. “Yes…we might manage. A time in retirement. We shall make sure that we have our friends around us. But afterward…a child! How can a child be explained? It will be …”
I could not bear that she should use the word. I said: “No, Guillemote. It will not be. Owen and I are going to be married.”
She drew a deep breath.
“When…is the child due? Where will it be born?”
“At Hadham, of course…and in about seven months.”
She covered her face with her hands. “My lady, my lady. What are we coming to?”
“I do not know, Guillemote. All I know is that I am going to marry Owen, and this child will be my very own, this time. It does not belong to the state. It will be mine…mine and Owen’s…and that is how it is going to remain.”
“But you…the Queen!”
“The King is dead now, Guillemote. I am the Queen of this country only in name. I will not be used in these political games anymore. I am myself. I am going to live my life as I want it. And that will be with my family…with Owen and my child.”
She stared at me in amazement.
“I knew it had to come to this…sooner or later,” she said. “When do we leave for Hadham?”
“At once,” I told her.
Agnes and the Joannas were jubilant. Like Guillemote they had been anxious for a long time. After that incident in the hall when Owen had fallen into my lap, there had been a certain amount of gossip. It would therefore be a good idea to keep out of view for a while, they thought.